Days of Trying to Survive

DAY 1 OF TRYING TO SURVIVE

Dear everyone,

Today I woke up early to attend my online class. It was fun at first and I really loved how our professor taught us the topics discussed for this week. That professor also made every one of us have the opportunity to recite and/or answer his questions. But of course, the class ended.

As I have told you, I was fine and having fun at first. However, when the first class ended, I suddenly felt the urge to cry. And I did cry. It was very painful as always. I tried to calm myself, but all I could think of was how much I wanted to end all of this. I keep crying. I wanted to disappear.

Then the second class started. So this time, I really tried to stop myself from breaking down. But I can't. And with that, I had to take the second class while breaking down.

Guess what? I survived this day again.

DAY 2 OF TRYING TO SURVIVE

Dear everyone,

I hope you all are doing well. Because unfortunately, I'm not. I had to write this now because it's heavy and painful. I can't say I'm ok 'cause I'm not.

When I woke up today, I was fine. I had a great dream. Then when I entered the bathroom to have a bath, I started breaking down all of a sudden. I was crying and trying to calm myself as much as I could. I thought that as long as I was able to release some of those painful feelings, I would be fine. But I was wrong. I can't get rid of it. It's still painful. Releasing some of it didn't help at all.

I tried entertaining myself too. I watched different videos on any social media app. It didn't work though. All I can think of is how these people are probably experiencing sad things too. And that made me emotional again. Honestly, this day had been the hardest for me. I even begged God to take me. It was that painful.

Why does it have to be this way? I want to be free from this. However, today too, I survived again.

DAY 3 OF TRYING TO SURVIVE

Dear everyone,

The mood and ambiance around me had become so gloomy, so quiet. It is like something bad is approaching. Actually, I have always been intuitive. When I feel like something's going to be fine, it will really turn out to be fine. That's why I'm so anxious lately. I keep asking myself and the world, even God, what's wrong. I can't seem to have a grasp of what's happening. All I know is, I feel that something's going to be taken away from me.

This day is the same like the others. Painful. I wanted to run away. I wanted to hide. I wanted to be comforted. The worst is, my gut is telling me that I'm probably the one dying soon. I want to make myself believe that I'm just being paranoid. Nothing so bad will happen. Good news will come instead. But why? Why do I feel so anxious?

Well, anyway, I guess I survived again today.

DAY 4 OF TRYING TO SURVIVE

Dear everyone,

The fear and anxiousness that I've been feeling the last few days was overwhelming. That's why I have already told my closest friends about this. I hope I really am paranoid. I want to think that, "This too shall pass". I want to keep waking up, but I know I also wish at times that I wouldn't wake up anymore.

Understanding myself is so difficult. I want to help myself the most right now. I want to tell her, "It's going to be fine". However, I want to blame my present self too. I know more than anyone that I want to end this too. I am contradicting myself. But if I have the chance to face my past self right now, can I honestly look at her eyes and tell her that I'm giving up? Would I be able to accept that? Would I be able to really give up? I've come this far. Only this far? Probably.

When would I be able to say "I made it"? Until when I have to endure this? I keep surviving, but until when?