Reflections

I hope that none of you mind my periodic rants about my life....its been an enlightening experience. I got to admit that for the past decade I have been surviving waiting for my own demise and perhaps giving it a shove every now and then. As I wait to find out if I have cancer or not, I keep thinking about the past. When I was told that I would require a transplant in order to keep on living, I went through with it granted, kicking and screaming and hurt good people along the way whose only crime was that they cared about me. I can never beging to repay the kindness that was shown to me during my times of despair and to only say "thank you" seems to be not enough. The ones who suffered the most were my very own children.....I can only say to them that I am not that guy....I am here if you should ever want to reach out but I will also respect that perhaps you would rather not have contact. This nightmare of a life that I took on has been the most self destructive path that I have ever took on and for that I sincerely apologize. To the friends that never gave up and stood as a beacon of hope for me....I say thank you from the bottom of my heart. The road ahead has yet to show its ugly face but I am ready to face what comes my way....alone if I have to but knowing that there are many that care as I move forward. I am beat down but not beaten.....I have lost my way but not my desire.....I long to love and be loved so for those of you that have read my rants before the one thing you should know once and for all is that through everything I have been through thusfar I have never QUIT!! Nor do I plan to now.....I will find my happy place....in this life or the next....Much love to you all