The Light in the Darkness

LinkTextHere ▼

Prompt: My/Our Anchor in times of the storm
Word Count: 1033

What a place to be in! Everyone was asking, what, where, and how this virus came about? If I’m honest, it was very much in the background for me. I already had so much on my mind.

I was attempting to cope with my mum, who herself was struggling with dementia. I wasn’t dealing well with her or those around her.

Five years ago, when dad passed away, I thought I would be set free, yet the opposite happened. I found myself entangled in a web of manipulation to a level I hadn’t expected. I was deep inside it before I even recognised what it was, ensnared by what felt like a spider’s web, darkness entrenched our family, unaware by many it was there. I didn’t even realise it after all these years. My focus, it seems, was in the wrong place. Despite finding myself here, God walked with me, standing by my side on the precipice I sometimes found myself on. Despite this, I didn’t see the plan God had for the future, and things looked bleak at times.

I knew I wasn’t alone in having a relative with dementia, and just how hard it was, I wasn’t even personally caring for mum like so many were; for this, I was relieved. To many, this may sound harsh, but this was a journey I had been on for a long time, and God had been with me even when I hadn’t realised it, but He showed up in a big way last year.

My mind, especially in the past year, had been taken back to my childhood. Other people forced me to remember events I would have preferred to forget. Things that are done to a daughter by a father, that should never have happened. All the time not knowing my mother was aware of what was happening, or at the very least suspected it was. Then mum was told by Nan what was happening to me. I’d gone to her for help, to ask if I could stay with her.

I waited an age back at home for the anger, which eventually erupted. Then came the silence, for three months nobody spoke to me about anything, not to ask how my day was, how I was feeling. Nan had refused to let me stay. No one had anything more to say about it. I had been punished by anger, silence, and nothing had changed.
Mum knew! It was always hard for me, but as it appeared she was under his thumb, I saw her as a victim too. I was wrong. This relationship was one of control from one side, manipulation from the other, the perfect combination. He thought he was in control of her when in reality, she was manipulating him. She stayed; I didn’t understand how especially when he got his revenge by doing to Nan what he’d done to me. Even then, with a completely devastated family, she stayed.

So, last year, for me, was never going to be straightforward. It was painful, especially as I’d found myself caught in mum’s web of manipulation along with others. I had to help extricate them as well as me. I could not have done this alone, I had support from other family members and friends. My son and his girlfriend moved in with me a few months before the pandemic. God’s first plan was for me to have company and support as I tried to find my way forward. My sister helped with phone calls when I no longer could, God brought her in just at the right time. Christian friends were there for me, often on a daily basis. They were forced to be at a distance, but holding me up in prayer and just being there, along with my counsellor, all there at precipice moments.

Then came the point when it was no longer viable for mum to be at home, not our decision alone. She didn’t want to be there, there were constant call-outs to the emergency services because she wanted company. It became too much for us all. She had a fall just after lockdown and was taken to our local hospital. I had spent many hours trying to find the right place for mum to live, I had visited sheltered housing complexes with her before the virus, but it was now obvious these weren't suitable. Now she needed long-term care. She was transferred from our local hospital to another, smaller one, further away, where she stayed for several weeks.

For me, this was a blessing because lockdown was in full flow, so I wasn’t able to visit. God gave me time to breathe. I was mentally and physically exhausted, already dealing with my own disabilities as well. Then God sent a fairly forceful woman. He knew I wouldn’t cope with someone like that but sent her anyway. At the time, I didn’t understand and questioned Him, even as she was talking at me, not to me. They had a place for mum, and it was further away than I had expected. I questioned her as to whether there were nearer ones, she said there are a few, but many aren’t taking people at the moment because of the virus. I had to make a decision fast before this place disappeared. So, I came off the phone saying I needed to look into it, shocked and unsure what to do. I looked up the business, checked its care levels, discussed it with my son’s girlfriend, who worked in health care. It was God’s provision for certain. She said the levels were acceptable, so I rang my sister, and she looked at it. Also, I don’t drive, so it had to be easy to get to, and it was. It had everything mum needed and everything I needed to give me and the rest of the family peace of mind. God walked this path with me, and He gave me answers in unexpected places. He enabled me to care for mum as best I could despite the past, despite, even the present circumstances. It all fell into place; God was my anchor in times of the storm.