acceptance is the new black

Writing
words
on imitated paper
digital paper
cannot be burnt
in the same way
as regular paper
as regular trees
and bushes

Words that are coming from
thoughts
feelings
interpretations
projections
attitudes

Stagnation

Lost
Confused

Clenched jaw
Clenched fists
Crackly joints

And what seems to be the problem

Who do you ask
Who could I ask
With whom may I speak with
Sincerely
Authentically
Openly
Nakedly

Fearlessly

With whom may I converse with in such a way

It seems
For the moment
That it is I
Who is asked to be
My very own company

Losing
Some sense
of what it means to be
Alive
What does it mean, to be alive?
If not
To be present
To be fully immersed in
the now
Yet how is one to be alive
In a world
a bubble
filled with people
Gasping for air
but never daring to admit it?
To be present
to be
fully
immersed
now
Yet
Confusion strikes and strikes again
I know how to feel better
Feeling better is not the problem
Feeling better is not
the solution

Life
Empty
Meaningless
That is the problem
How to
Come to peace with the senselessness
meaninglessness
emptiness
How to
Embrace
that

And not
get lost
in some hope
that life does indeed have meaning
that there indeed is some divine purpose to be
to do
to do

For there is no energy present for doing
there is hardly energy for simply being and non doing yet that
my friend
is a tremendous challenge
thoughts are knocking at the door and are ignorantly invited in for
cups and cups
and cups of tea

And cigarettes
space
to sit
a comfortable space
to sit
to lay
to relax
it is warm
of course they will not leave
with any rush or haste
they will stay
until

And I wonder
why taste is dull
why the head is aching
why the body feels
low
I feel
low

and I know
higher
so I am not afraid
to be here
for I have been somewhere over there
and I know what that looks like
and that which lies beyond it
I am sure
is very
very
beautiful

So I am not frightened
as such
of this
stagnation
and it is not
the first
the last
time
I have felt
I will feel
lost

Confused

Leastways I know
I am feeling confused
Leastways that
is not confused

who said it
the notion of confusion is not confused

there is that
at least
there is that

A complete disappearance
of
inspiration
motivation
willingness

Naught
to do

No wish
or will
to

And I know I could feel better
if I did

But the doing
is part
of the existential problem

if there is
no meaning
no purpose
then why
go on doing?

And to go on doing
what
exactly

For in persons search for meaning he finds meaning in the doing and the being
in the roles
as a father
as an accountant
as a someobody

yet
we are
absolutely
absolutely
nobody
then
why do?

And moreover
do what?

The confusion strikes
one whom one has identified as friend becomes a stranger in the minds eye
one feels
alienated
from the old
friends
or
people
somebody
A somebody
somebody’s role
a somebody playing a role and that somebody
I used to know

But now
I do not
Not in the slightest
Not in the farthest
And I hear
A voice in my head
“Look after your old friendships, they are valuable.”

Who said those words
A somebody
Whose life
I do not
find
interesting
or full
or anything
at all

Are they valuable? Is it valuable
to feel
like a pretender
in the company of somebody
who is not
aware
of the pretending?
And I do not mean
my performance
I mean their own

Confusion
Leave the old behind and do not forget about the people
Or
Don’t
Treasure the friends gathered over a lifetime new and old
Or

I suppose
There needs be
No decisions
In this
at all
ever
there can only be
a natural
progression
Energy
flowing there
or not flowing there
right now

Right now energy is not flowing there
to any friends of old
why do we
feel the need to specify
that it is an “old friend”
is it
because
we don’t really see them
as a
true friend?

I say we
I mean
me

why
go on
bettering
small scale
short term
there is no point at all
if
when one stops doing the thing that makes one feel better
one is sat right back to
feeling
weird
off
odd
strange
uncomfortable
stressed

that must mean
that the means to
that which is certainly no end
is
somehow
limited within the scope of keeping doing that which alters the feeling which in turns covers and blankets all that
confusion
darkness
weirdness that one feels
that I feel

blankets and covers
they can be removed
rather
easily too
so
what is it then
the point of keeping doing that which alters that which one is feeling if the stopping of the doing stops the altering of the feeling and instead of having felt continuously for a while one feels completely shocked and cheated, and in turn worse for having felt better and now not

is there not then
something to
experience
in the wierdness
oddness
offness
darkness
that may
have much greater importance
than
that which one can do to alter ones state of mind
but lose
just as quickly
as abruptly

and I have been shocked back to ground zero
more than once
more than twice
which does not mean
that I know
anything at all
or that I know
what I am talking, writing, venting about
no
I
do not know
I have never known

I am here
Sat in my confusion
Not confused
About
being and feeling
confused

And
it makes
no
sense to me
this doing and doing
this going on living believing there is something to the doing
and the doer

meaningless
pointless
meaningless
pointless

what a blow
to discover
that there is no grand purpose for little me
that there is naught for me to achieve
that the only sensible thing is simply to be

but how, oh friend
how
how to be without doing
and how do in the being
and how
to stop
listening
inviting
how to say
thank you
and move along
internally humming ones own private song
minding
my business and never yours

in the hurt
in the pain
in the chosen suffering that feels easy and familiar
a pattern repeated again and again

and the senselessness
the meaninglessness
and the tremendous confusion surrounding it all
in this world
in this bubble
where I am gasping for air
wondering
to whom I may
admit it to
who will in turn
admit to me
that this is the nature of what it is to be
and that there is naught to resist
or to fight or push away

yet how oh friend
to sit alone in a living room space
and work out or feel out or drop in
when it must indeed be of ones own doing
and to keep a seperation and a distance
a clear understanding
that I do not do this
for any hope
of any change
I do not do this
for anything at all
that I do to do because
I enjoy
perhaps

but see the notion is confused
For all the doing
implies some kind of improving
why do we wash
our dirty clothes
we improve them

improving me implies there is something wrong with the way existence has produced me to be
and if there is not
there is no need for improving which implies there is no need for any doing

yet thinking
is a verb
a doing thing
but an unconscious one at that
for it is nothing at all like
cleaning floors or preparing a meal

Confusion
Friend
Wherever you may be
I am here
inviting you
to sit silently next to me
let’s stop
advising each other on how we should be

Acceptance
of the meaningless
the pointless
regardless of how
painful that may be