Calendar Cow.

Mark Robert visited us the other day. He represented a calendar company looking for the most photogenic cow in America.

“Say what?” I laughed in his face. Silliest idea I’d heard in a long time.

“I’m for real, sir. Can I see your cows? How many do you have?”

“I have twenty head. They’re dairy cows, not beef.”

“There’s a difference?” Seriously? I had to laugh.

“You’re telling me you don’t know the difference? Well, dairy cows give milk, that’s why they’re called dairy, or milk cows. We milk them. That’s where milk comes from. Until they started making them fancy dancy soy-nut-oat milk wannabes. And beef cattle well that’s where your steaks and ground beef comes from until they started making them fancy dancy fake tofu-soy-pea-impossible meat thingies. We kill beef cattle to get meat.”

Mark Robert had a glazed look to his eyes. I was losing him.

“Um, yeah, whatever. Which cow is your most beautiful? A pinup girl for a calendar?”

He was serious as a stroke but I had to laugh at the absurdity of it all.

“Marie! You gotta come out and hear this!”

My wife came outside, a kitchen towel in her hands. “Hear what?”

“This here guy, Robert Mark..”

“Mark Robert. The name is Mark Robert from the National Calendar Company.”

“Yeah, whatever, he wants to sign up our most beautiful cow as a pinup girl for his calendar.”

Marie chuckled a bit, flicked the towel at me. “Get out of town! Really? Well, then show him Susie.” She walked over to Mark Robert. “Susie is the sweetest Jersey cow you’d ever want to meet.”

So around Christmas we got our copy. Susie was on the front and on January’s page. She sure did rock that Cow Calendar.


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