Forgiveness

I jaded myself before I knew the term
I drew numbers on my wrists that signified something I didn’t want to explain
I rubbed my fingers on printer paper that rejected oil but I made the smudges work for me
I jotted lyrics on my homework that whispered in my ear long after I’d cried over them
I rejected my corporate pedigree in favor of a yellow brick road
I ran away
I ran away again
I ran away and I said I’m better
I am not better
I am worse
I laid down the pen and picked up a textbook
I rolled up my feelings and wrung them out
I switched rose-colored glasses for sunglasses
I chose to to act instead of sing
I puffed away my pain and bought the lies that criss-crossed my life
I snapped
I snapped in two
I snapped and looked at the pieces
I am not smart
I am emotional
I purchased until I was bum broke and begging for cash
I ignored the letters that screamed warnings and allowed the red flags to accumulate
I justified myself to gullible people and gave them half a story
I let the tide of foolery carry loves lost over cliffs of uncertainty
I yearned for more but the numbers on my wrists had vanished a century ago
I changed
I changed like that
I changed and packed my things
I am not home
I am lost
I threw myself into a pool on a summer day and squealed with how good it felt
I whittled my wallet to work in my favor at a bar with a stream of strangers
I allowed myself to unshackle and struck a deal with my guardian angel
I downloaded new things and questioned reflections
I took off the sunglasses and dusted off the rose-colored ones
I lived
I lived for me
I lived and went to concerts alone
I am not lonely
I am brave
I bought a sketchbook and filled it up with terrible doodles
I closed my ears to the corporate pedigree and sang over their meetings
I figured “What’s the worst that could happen?” if I replied to a story
I boarded a plane and escaped in a white car while snow tickled my nose
I listened to my heart and picked up the pen again
I grew up
I grew up for real
I grew up and I forgave my past selves
I am not a disappointment
I am just me