The Jar

He sleeps while I contemplate
In the other room I rake
Take stock of my value
I twist the lid on the jar

I pick at my face
Stare at my toes
Roll my head back and sigh
Why I am the way I am and why this is all I can do to get by

The jar explodes without an ask
It rolls out a hazy ooze
It bubbles up a burp
Like an sickened eye that bursts and coats the room

I see you there my old friend
You come and go when you please
Sometimes you’re beckoned with a memory
And other times you leap out, summoned like a breeze

Yes, I see the mirror
Well, the thing in it anyhow
The sludge consumes the room in the background
Unnoticed while it turns into a cloud

Secrets, secrets
Mutter that
Say the words aloud
Chant with me “I want to be” but remember you won’t be found

The jar falls down onto the floor
I hardly know it’s there
A dull echo crowns the room
But all I do is stare

Is all I am inside this room?
Am I truly alone?
Doomed to face this ugly thing
Whenever it might choose?

The goo is gone but the smell remains
Fermented sweet and sour
A tickle of pink, a breath of blue
But black kisses rule the hour

Remember me?
The younger me
“Maybe one day I will laugh”
Brush it off and move along like I’m walking past a crash

I was free that day but I thought wrong
Life is just a choke
Up my throat my heart pours out
They flush it and I leave alone

I bought into shiny things
That I could never hope to have
Crammed that down into the jar
And brewed for years before I got mad

Shame on me
I should have known
Who cares if it’s the past?
Right now it’s eating me like the ooze that’s turned to gas

Remember this, remember that?
Remember why you’re here
You crammed that shit down in this jar
Now you live in fear

Fear the world
Fear my friends
Fear the loves I’ve had
Fear the future and the past, as well as my own head

Fear is all I live and breathe
Stop it now, stop it please!
The gas consumes me like a need
I wrestle with the desire to be free

Freedom doesn’t fit in a jar
It’s like the echo you didn’t hear
The only hope you have is me
Relive the moments I hold dear

The mirror clears and I see again
But who the fuck is she?
An hour passed that felt like death
Suddenly, I am me

I heard him stir and mumble
I look back at my toes
They could be worse for wear
But they’re still long, ugly, and gross

The covers hush and I wipe my face
Something rolls across the floor
I look down and see the jar
It’s full without a cork

No ooze, no gas
Just a picture of myself
Crumpled up and shoved inside
With the whispers from my hell

I make the lid out of a sorry song
And twist it on real tight
Hide the jar inside myself
I smile and turn off the light