Just Words

JUST WORDS
 
He was the bad guy, if there was a bad guy. He was the one taking you away.
His response never changed.
blood rushing through my body as my heart sank.
My joy disappeared.
I was confused and had no idea what to do
It wasn't perfect, then things never really are, are they.
I had no idea that would be my last visit ever
I still feel a bit like the bad guy I still feel the "sting".
Was I selfish?
Why do I always go there and imagine that when others aren't happy with me?
It's not always my fault.
shocked and concerned actually.
Reminds me of the one time I felt sympathy for my dad
Like a fucken stone wall - impenetrable.  
The truth is I found you hard to love.
Your hugs stood out to me.
They were the best hugs ever.
Like you meant it.
Was it your desire to do a big squeeze or was that your body's way of telling me you love me?
I do love you too.
Maybe you came to tell me that in the dream.
Maybe that was the love side of you.
I wish I could undo what had been done.
We said I love you without words.
We don't use those words too much.
I do love you though.
I love all of you.
No matter how hard it is to dig to find your heart.
I am sorry I didn't dig deeper into mine and find a way to connect.
Please find a way to speak from your heart.
People will see and know you better if you do.  
I yearn to matter.
Looking at the force behind the object.
I am hiding and only willing for people to see what I want them to see.
Am I frozen?
Have I melted? If so, how much?
Will I ever just show up as I am?
I love you girl and not because of how you look, one way or another, but because you are me.
I can touch you, feel you, hold you, cradle you.
You are warm and you have movement.
I want to say you are vibrant even though I am not sure why.
Maybe because I know you hold SO much for me.
And I trust you.
I am talking about the emotions.
You are my center.
My button is like a labyrinth.
You have a voice even if I seem mute.
I love you just the way you are. 
divinity within me.
Was I pretending to want something I didn't.
I tested him again
to build my sense of security and trust.
collecting hearts to put in a jar.
 Sometimes things look bleak, but not for long.
Other times a cherry scone shows up in life.
I had to dig for it.
He was too fucken broken to offer it.
I want to excavate the crud
brick by brick.
Are they my arms I yearn to feel.
I am the one I can trust
see the roundabout, the labyrinth, the merry go round as a place for me to pause and notice what it is that's calling me.
I want to know the soul of the world. To find my inner guide.
Lots of time and patience
I am on a journey and it's a spiral towards my center and that's why I love labyrinths and why I would never imagine just walking one time there are many rounds to life and each round takes us closer to who we came here to be.
We were pure essence and we knew God
Make your own colors.