Why?

You know how there are people who have not been fortunate enough to have a privileged life be it social, familial or even romantic and wish they had what the privileged had? Well, what if I said its the opposite for me? I have been fortunate enough to have plenty of privileges. And no, its not financial privileges. Its the other things in life. Everything else money can't buy. I have amazing friends in amazing places and I know they're not some delinquents that don't have their shit together. Like proper individuals who have their goals in life sorted. My family, they have always failed me to complain about them to anyone. Yes, I get along with my parents really well. I can't really say alot about my complete family but they even provided me a safe environments away from the familial politics and drama. And then there's my girl, the apple of my eye. She's everything to me. She can be a little hard sometimes but I love everything about her and the hard times too because I know she does feel the same way I feel for her. Love.

You might be wondering why I'm sort of gloating about my life after I mention people with the misfortune of ineptitude regarding these things. Well, even I don't know why but I've always had this fondness of trying out new things. Writing has never come across as one of them up until now. They say you get a better understanding of your thoughts when you say it out loud. Maybe writing can help me with my thoughts. My thoughts that make no sense. At least to me.

Well you see, I have never really understood this sudden emersion of sadness and sorrow that wells up in me. I feel this immense urge to cry but no tears seem to appear. There is this sense of elevation that doesn't really lead to a conclusion. I almost feel like I can't be sad even though I really want to be. This is where the thing about privileges come up. I see no reason for me to be sad about anything. Its almost like my brain; it has a disorder of pumping all the sad juices that make no sense. It's almost like I'm addicted to sadness. My mind has gotten used to it despite having no reason to. I have to admit, I have been through a lot. I don't know if this is like some sudden need to justify it pragmatically. I have been through a good number of heartbreaks. From lovers, from families, losing loved ones, sacrifices. But I don't think that's important. Because, no one is going to read this. I can't let anyone. I don't think even I want to read through this again anytime soon or ever.

Call it a pointless waste of time. Even I think its a waste as well but I don't know. This feels strangely relieving and elating. What is this nonsense? Why do I feel like it's a need for me to actually have a reason to be sad. Why is it that I don't want to feel sad but then again I do at times? Why is it that I can't cry when I want to? Why is it that I get sad out of no fucking thing at all at times? Why is it that I keep wanting answers? Why can't it just go away I be as ignorant as everyone else and just live my fucking life and die eventually leading to nothingness? WHY?