forced to feel.

when do you know when things are finally done or gone to far.? is it when your life is threatened before your eyes. Or when you lack the ability to do anything about a situation your facing. Ive been controlled for so long I really don't know who I am anymore. I am forced to feel the things I don't want to. forced to see what I try and hide. Nothing in my life has ever been me. I am a puppet at bay a robot by night. and a lost soul never seeing the light. I try to let myself shine threw. But there is so much more to me that cant break threw. I want to be happy and I want to smile but something in my life wont let that be. my family would rather see me miserable. I have no ties with anyone that should matter. I am alone but most of it is by choice. I cant trust anyone. Everyone ive trusted has failed my miserably. Weather they lie cheat or hurt me on purpose. Or just accidently disappoint me. I want to trust I really do. But anyone I get close to hurts me, and I have learned to shut those feelings out. I learned to never be hurt or disappointed. If I was going to get in trouble for something I learned to not care about the punishment. If I played a sport I made my self not care if I was grounded and missed a game. After getting hurt from being cheated on and lied to I vowed to never open my heart to anyone ever again. Its been a lonely and tuff road for the most part ive stuck to being close to animals as they are the only things that cant hurt me and have never let me down. for the first time ever I found a connection that has never happened and made my heart sink and my mind go blank. Its really hard for me to tell him and express how I truly feel and showing it is even harder. I often let little things get to me but instead of bringing attention to it I bottle till it explodes in my face. I am not like most girls I cant get mad and just randomly sleep with someone. I don't go to the bar and get all trashy. I don't gossip and I don't try and get even. I often felt and still do that if real love existed nothing could ever break it. But the love itself. I don't really have my head on straight but maybe a poem can help me get my point across. Here goes nothing.

FORCED TO FEEL

When I'm with you I'm forced to feel
every emotion that's inside of me
on a emotional roller coaster I ride at bay
waiting patiently for that perfect day

I feel the love that was once gone
I feel the pain stowed away
I see the truth within my soul
and the girl inside me that lost her way,
you wish to know

I'm trapped inside I cant get out
you cant reach in I cant reach out
I'm a prisoner deep inside my mind
It keeps me locked away impossible to find

In your arms I cant help but dream
My mind wonders in to space it seems
I feel so safe warm and whole
Like finally free from this darkened hole

My feelings for you are completely true
I fight and hide them and ignore them too
I'm scared to let you fully in
Knowing I could get hurt again

I had a wall inside me built
but with that wall I was empty and cold
as you crashed through every brick
I could not rebuild for the wall was thick

My feelings inside me on a ride
Up and down on an emotional stride
I don't know what to say or do
In fear if spoken I might loose you

I know deep down what I want to say
And hope its said on that perfect day
In fear it might all go wrong
I keep it deep within me locked
Locked away so it cant escape
Is my feelings for you not on tape
Real but true deep within my heart
Where you had the key
From the very start.