Retreating Love

We met at a gathering. You were surrounded by your friends, I was busy chatting with mine. I was aware of your presence, so aware that I tried my best to look not so while being all conscious about every move I made, about every reaction you gave. It was not love-at-first-sight kind of thing, I had never believed in such things, but rather it was something about unspeakable sparks between us. We were just surrounded by all those people, not talking to each other, not even a word at first; yet we were so alone, so together.

We started to exchange occasional glances at first. Then as our group of friends started to merge, we found ourselves in the same conversation. We started reacting to each others’ words, just like the rest did. Then we started to talk, looking in each others’ eyes. Holding the gaze a little longer than necessary. And you started asking questions. Questions about me. Proving to me and the others that you were indeed interested in me. You asked, I answered. I proved to you and the others in the same way, as I started asking as well. I asked, you answered. Those sparks were no longer a secret between us. Everybody started to feel them.

After that day, I waited and waited. For a message, a phone call or even a knock on my door. None I received. I did what most girls do. I waited and waited for the first move to come from you. I wondered if you were doing the same. Then two weeks later, we met again. Another gathering, a gathering that happened so fast. I secretly hoped and maybe even thought you were the reason behind that. We were the reason, I was the reason behind that. We greeted each other. You asked me what I’d been doing,

“Waiting for something related to you to happen. Answering every unknown number, checking my phone every other minute to see a simple text, listening to every single footstep passing by my threshold. Wondering about you. Thinking about you.” I couldn’t say.

Days passed fast after that gathering. We became friends-but-not-friends. Neither of us did anything to exchange numbers that day. It happened so naturally, smoothly. We started meeting alone. Talking for hours, understanding each other. You smiled at everything I said, I loved everything you did. We walked in the rain, listening to each others’ breathing band together with the sound of rain. We waited under a tree when the rain started to cover the sound of each other. You never kissed me.

Our gatherings started to happen more often, with more people. People of all kinds. Among those people, we started to get even closer. We started to depend on each other. We started to send SOS glances to each other whenever we wanted to escape a conversation. Then you started to take care of me. Kept asking whether I was drunk, cold, bored... But never further. You never went further than that.

It took a year for me to realise how far you’d gone from being lovers and how close I’d come. As your intimacy fed my love, my intimacy killed your sparks. Because I saw that look in your eyes when she came in that door. When she sat across from you, tried her best to look unaware while being all conscious. Just like I did. Just like you once did. And then I felt those sparks reborn. I felt that atmosphere between you. No words at first; only occasional glances. Then conversations merged, you started reacting to her words, you started to converse with her, only her, started asking questions... The thing I was fearing happened after another gathering. You decided to tell me about her, about your feelings. I listened to you, as if I hadn’t noticed. I smiled at your enthusiasm.

As you got closer to her, I couldn’t help but draw myself away from you. Was I a fool to imagine all those things that I thought happened between us? Or did they actually happen but I just couldn’t keep it safe enough? Was I being delusional?

I kept trying to find an answer for all these questions as I watched you become her lover.