The Monster is Me

He chased me
and I ran
until the sun went down.
He chased me
for "a smile", he said,
to which I only frowned.

He chased me
and I ran again
and
my mother saw
me, but not my brother
he was too young to...

I wouldn't talk,
I couldn't talk,
eyes wide open
fearful glance
red flag, green flag
no lap dance.

He chased us
and we ran,
he said he'd steal us both,
he'd show up at our school
and the border was real close.

He chased us and we ran,
as far away as we could,
but the monster was there
when I looked in the mirror
and I couldn't forget his name.

Bill Walker is a monster
and he lived inside of me
every self-defacing, suicidal, worthless
version of me.

Five years have gone by,
the doctors say I'm going blind,
all that country air
has helped me clear my mind.

My mother's gone again
Bill Walker's at her side,
"he's changed", she said
and they want me by their side.
"The city's too much for your brother."
"It'll eat him up and spit him out"
But...
I could never leave him behind.

Off we went to the city,
and it didn't take very long
before the chase had started again,
now that the teenager me was born.

Forlorn and lost;
why must family be this way?
My brother's doing crack in class,
and I should have NEVER
taken him away.

Bill Walker is a monster
and he lives inside of me
manifested into every man
that ever looked at me.

The assaults just keep on coming,
somethings got to stop!!
Why is it that they see me
as someone they can
push me
force me
not be held responsible
for anything they've done!
The chase is still ongoing and
I don't know what I've done.

Bill Walker is a monster,
and now I've given in,
to his concept of me
as a woman-child of sin.

My mother says I'm stripper worthy,
so why not give it a try?
She drops me off
18 and scared,
trying not to cry.

Now I'm 22
A stripper's life I've lived,
I never knew at 22
all that writing that I did
was worthy?!
...until I went back to school.
The teacher's raved
about my brain.
Man, have I been such a fool?

I left that life behind me,
to College I would go!
Bill Walker couldn't stop me,
His grip was letting go.

When 9/11 happened
I was sitting in first class,
the fear and hatred and revenge
had found me again at last.

There was a monster inside me
and I had to let it go
but first I had to face it
or down we both would go.

Now I'm in my 40's
I have made my peace
In writing this,
I reminisce,
Lord, that river runs really deep.

There's a monster deep down inside me.
It's hateful speech and thirst for pain
reminds me where I've been.
With all that I have gained
I embrace that pain
so that healing can begin.

There's a monster deep down inside me -
but that monster isn'tme.