It can't be wool

"What've you got there?" Robert asked.

"Shhhhh. Not so loud. It's knitting patterns," I whispered.

"Knitting patterns?"

"And crochet patterns. b_boonstra loves them."

"Ah well. Whatever she likes." Robert raised an eyebrow.

"Got enough wool and thread and stuff to make blankets and sweaters for three sons and a daughter."

"It's her birthday. You going to make her work on her birthday? Making blankets and stuff?"

"She likes it! Now shhhh or she'll hear."

"Let me give you a hand with that," Robert Waltz said, helpfully. "Oh my goodness, that's HEAVY. How much wool you got in there?"

"Robert, quiet. Please. She'll hear. Now put all this in the kitchen."

"The kitchen? Since when did people put wool in the kitchen?"

"Please will you be quiet? That's right, just here."

"This is heavy. Are you sure there's only wool in there?" Robert was getting a bit too nosy for my liking.

"Yes, there's only wool there, and patterns. Thanks for the help."

Robert shrugged and went into the backyard to find Sophurky , who was helping b_boonstra put in some new flowers along the fence. "Never knew wool could be so heavy," he muttered, as he left.

As soon as he was gone, I got on the phone to Dragon is hiding .

"Hey, Robert has finally waltzed off. You coming in here?"

Dragon is hiding appeared in the kitchen in two breaths of a dragon's fire. "I thought he'd never go," she whispered. "He did insist on being the gentleman and helping you in with the stuff."

"I told him it was wool." I suppressed my giggles.

"Wool, indeed. How can beer bottles be wool? You have to have more sense," Dragon is hiding admonished.

She leaned out the window, made sure that Sophie had both Robert and Bianca well occupied, and we started to sort out the decorations. Balloons, and banners saying "HEY ROBERT AND BIANCA It's okay nobody knows how old you really are."

We were just putting out the beer for Robert when my mobile phone buzzed urgently. It was Sophie. Robert was tired, he was coming in. "Steer him away from the kitchen! Let him enter the front door!" Hearing my whisper, Dragon quickly stepped over and locked the kitchen door from the inside.

There was a great hammering, and some swearing. This is a 13+ piece that the Cramp judges are tagged in, so the rules forbid me from telling you what Robert actually said. Sophie finally managed to calm him down. He refused to go all the way round to the front door, though. He climbed in at the living room window.

"HEY!" he exclaimed, as soon as he had landed, rather floppily, on the sofa. "♥noVember tHiNg♥ hullabaloo22 Jay's debut novel is out now! ... ? What're you doing here? When did you get here?"

Fortunately, I had told these three the wool story. They helped pull some more over Robert's eyes. "We've come to help Bianca knit," the chorused. "We love knitting, too, you know."

"No wonder there's enough wool in there to feed an army of sheep. I mean, sheep don't eat wool, whatever it is they do with it ... Now if you'll excuse me, I have mud all over. Sophie made me re-pot some plants."

Muttering to himself, Robert went to wash up. This was our chance. Sophie locked the bathroom door from the outside. We got the cake, beer, banners, balloons and snacks out.

There was a great banging at the bathroom door. I have just changed the rating of this piece to 18+.

Anyway, when Robert was finally allowed to emerge, all tidied up, it was to a chorus of birthday wishes for him, and for Bianca. There had actually been some wool in that crate, and some knitting and crochet patterns, too. Everyone had a wonderful time.

Robert had the last word. "Next time someone locks me in the bathroom, I'd better get a party again."