Three Horrid Wedding Stories

Story 1: Wedding Blow Out

I had been driving for 14 hours straight, just occasionally stopping to get gas, I wasn’t even stopping to eat, I was having to eat crackers while driving, to make things worse, the A/C wasn’t working in my car. Getting to be best man at my brother’s wedding was worth it though, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

I finally got up there and did the rehearsal and it all went great, by the time I got out, it was late. This place was in a hick town in Kansas and all of the local places were closed, even the town’s only chain restaurant, a McDonalds was closed for renovations. I had to eat more of my mediocre crackers and went to bed hungry.

The next day, I woke up starving, I got dressed up and drove to a shady looking gas station to grab some food as I knew that I wouldn’t be able to make it until the wedding reception. I grabbed five gas station burritos and ate them at a beat up, dirty table. The whole gas station was a non-maintained and reminded me of the past. Hardly anything in the place had been updated past 1980, the very yellowed cash register that looked to be from the mid 90’s was the newest thing in there. There were also four pumps outside the looked like they had been updated in the mid 90’s and that was probably just to add a credit card reader. The pumps were worn out and slow and some redneck was out there slowly filling up his 80’s Chevy truck. There was nothing to do in this town though, so he didn’t act like he cared. Anyway, my burritos tasted off but I finished them and I then headed to the church, it was a nice church, only renovated four months prior, it had a beautiful white carpet in it and half of the basement had been converted into the towns morgue due to the church not needing it.

I got there and greeted everybody and the wedding was soon underway, the wedding was about halfway over and I was starting to feel extremely ill, I also felt like I really needed to fart, I can always make my farts silent though so I knew there wouldn’t be a sound issue, I knew it would stink up the whole stage area but, what the hell was I supposed to do? Anyway, I attempted to pass the fart and suddenly there was an extremely loud farting sound, it sounded very similar to a chainsaw running rich. I then felt like a water balloon and been shoveled in the back of my pants and suddenly, shit started blasting out of the bottom of my pants legs, it had already buried my shoes.
Obviously, the whole sanctuary was in shock and dead silent now apart from some kids in the back laughing hysterically and of course my diarrhea sounds. I couldn’t stop myself but I was too in shock to try to make it to the bathroom, shit was blasting all over the floor, it was getting all over the base of the pulpit, got on the priests clothes and a lot also splashed onto the brides dress and my brother, the grooms pants and shoes as well as some other people up front as well as a few drops even getting on people in the front pews, not to mention that the shit was starting to run down the stairs that led up to the stage. My brother then started laughing hysterically and the bride started crying, I could also see the bride’s mother looking furious in the front row. Things then got worst, people were starting to vomit because of the smell and sight, people weren’t able to get out of the pews in time due to people being on both sides of them and they started throwing up all over the their clothes, Bibles and song books in pew holders in front of them and even some people in front of and beside them! The people on the sides of the pews that could just turn their heads to vomit in the aisle were lucky. The Bride even threw up on her dress! I later learned that 15 people out of 75 at the whole wedding threw up.

Things were still bad up front, the whole stage areas as almost covered in an inch of not very well digested gas station burritos and that was a 3rd the constituency of wet cement. It poured into a mic outlet on the floor and suddenly there was a loud popping sound up in the AV area right as that whole area went dark as I assume some breaker blew and smoke began to pour out of the equipment.

Shit was also pouring down an air register below me, it was like filthy water running down a grate in a storm sewer. I later learned that it all flooded most of the ventilation system and had started pouring out ceiling vents in the basement, a few boring things happened like it pouring out in a hall way, in some Sunday School room, getting shit all over some kids macaroni projects and into a storage room where it got all over a bunch of stacks of Bibles and song books, that wasn’t the worst of it though. A mother was using the mothers room and was out in the hallway talking on the phone as to not awaken her baby, well, the shit poured out of a register right above the crib and drowned the baby in shit, well that wasn’t directly my fault and hey, at least the morgue was a few doors down, speaking of which. A bunch of shit also poured out of a register in the morgue above some dead guy with his mouth open and it completely submerged his whole head. The shit eventually made its way down to the men’s restroom, only 3 drops, dropped into a toilet, ONLY 3 DROPS WENT WHERE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO!

I was now empty but everybody was starting to walk out of the sanctuary now, I decided to leave too, I went out a door on the side of the stage and then saw a door that said ‘Donations’ I figured this was an emergency so I walked up to the door and tried it, it was locked so I just kicked it really hard like a cop kicking down a door and I busted the latch through the door, I didn’t mind at the time as I stupidly assumed that the church was totaled at this point. I walked in and grabbed on old shirt with the Cleveland Browns logo on it, I then removed all over my clothes and preceded to wipe myself off with it. I then grabbed some gym shorts and put on a shirt with a picture of Mr. Potato Head on it that said, ‘Disney World 2006!’ I then walked out of the church and saw people looking awkward with a few crying here and there, I later learned that a hazmat crew had to be called to the church and that it had to close for two months of partial re-renovation. Also, the insurance company wouldn’t believe what happened until they watched the horrific wedding video that of course had me in it.

The wedding had to be held at the community centers gym that evening as it was the only place in town big enough and I wasn’t allowed to attend. Some guests still had to head home and miss it due to their schedules though, others had to skip the reception. Some people had their clothes get soiled or full on ruined and dry cleaning would have taken too long, some people drove two and a half hours one way to buy new dress clothes as this (now literally) crappy town didn’t even have a good clothing store. others just wore casual clothes and shoes. The Bride’s dress was totaled, and she couldn’t afford a new one and it was also a custom size, she had to get married in a night gown and was crying the whole time.

Needless to say, that my family doesn’t communicate with me anymore, I just started heading back home at noon, I also had to keep pulling over to crap for about three hours but it was the middle of nowhere so it wasn’t an issue.

The Bride Ran Away

The wedding was running two and a half hours late, everybody was getting pissed off and bored, finally one of the brides maids got a call and started crying, she said that the bride had changed her mind at the last minute and ran, most of the guests gasped at this, the bride’s mother was furious, some teenager then loudly said ‘Good, love stinks’ then his mom smacked his face hard.

The groom then walked up to me and, trying to save the convention asked if we could still have the reception but replace the crappy religious music the bride had picked out with some 80’s music and convert the whole reception into an 80’s club, it was no small task but we wanted to make both families happy and honestly, who doesn’t love the 80’s? We went to work but it would take two hours, the A/V guy then just hooked his laptop up to the churches projector and went to Netflix and put on ‘The Croods’ for everybody to watch while we prepared.

The reception was great, and the groom got black-out drunk.


Well, that was unexpected

The wedding was scheduled to start but the groom was nowhere to be seen, the A/V guy then lifted the projection screen that blocked the view of the baptismal pool from the sanctuary because he had been instructed to do so by the groom earlier.

The screen lifted and they saw the groom heavily making out with his best man, people all over the church gasped, the groom then shouted “FUCK ARRANGED MARRIAGE! I KNOW YOU WILL DISOWN ME NOW BUT, HEY I WENT OUT IN STYLE!” The bride’s mother was pissed, the wife’s larger family then all looked over at the groom’s family and started saying things like “This was an arranged marriage, what the fuck is wrong with you!!?” Almost all of the groom’s family then started leaving as well as the bride’s immediate family as the groom shouted, “BIGOTED REDNECK!” at them, all of the groom’s family left except for two adult cousins. Then the best mans family came out from a side room and filled all of the seats where the groom’s family had originally been sitting.

The Groom and his best man then walked up to the mic and gave a speech about how he knew that his bigoted family wouldn’t except him for who he was and that he was thrown into a trashy arranged marriage. He and his best man happened to be lovers, so they decided to show his family what they deserved on their special day. They then decided to marry each other and what was left of the bride’s family as well as the best man’s family cheered.