I don't want it from you

I've been waking up at nights wondering, why is he doing this?

I look at him when he's asleep (I know, creepy) and I can't stop the sudden fear that almost consumes me. And tears fall really easy when you're not sleeping.

It is so scary in the middle of the night when all the possibilities start showing up. It's when fear can grab hold and give you nightmares you don't even want to think about. And mine is ..

What if I wake up, and he's not there.

And because I have a lot of my fathers genes, when I get scared, I get mad. I mean, what is wrong with him? Why would he put himself on the line like this when he knows, he KNOWS how scared I am to lose him. I don't want him to do this. I even prayed that for whatever reason he would be turned down.

The truth of it is ...

I don't feel I am worth this gift he's giving me. I'm not worth his life. He's the very best part of me, and if he leaves me, then i feel like I am nothing at all. I won't be able to breath, I won't be able to function and .. no. I'm not worth this.

I want to wake him up and tell him that. I want to scream at him and tell him I refuse to take it. I will not risk him. I would die for him, but how dare he die for me.

And that's when God plays a dirty trick. I hear a small voice in the back of my head, reminding me of my girls. and i feel numb.

This is impossible.

Then the voice says, He thinks you're worth it. He's told you that every day. He's told you that without you, he is nothing. He needs you to live. And so he is doing everything within his power to make sure you live.

Remember when you saved him from the shock therapy, holding off 8 angry nurses and 4 security guards while in that phone booth, calling everyone you could think of to get him the help he needed? Remember when you wrote all those letters when the doctors wouldn't listen to how the generic meds weren't working? Remember threatening that one woman with the (empty) shot gun because she could've destroyed his life?

Remember when he asked you why you did it? What did you say?

Because I love you, and you would do it for me.

He's following thru for you. Because you did it for him. You have to accept it, because if you don't, he could never live with himself. You would watch him fall apart.

You ever take a gift even though you really don't want to?

That's where I'm at right now. But I'm going to do it, because I love him. Because he loves me. and because I would do it for him.