where do i end

i am tuning in your existence. i am listening and feeling carefully, shivering at the edges. hopeful. i see a shimmer, feel its warm flame beneath my ribs and feel it, a warm glow gliding down each bone. You are hearing me. yet i have not been familiar with this space of feeling wanted for i have shut all, everything, -one, et cetera. out. out of my body. flowing like rocks underwater in a small stream in front of me in the glassy sad mirror. in the glassy sad eyes i don’t really stop long enough to recognize for i am grey and dark and brown and a dry crusty leaf dead gone out inside out outside. die. i have yet to believe. i. hopeful. for someone there is a requirement. for everyone there is a requirement. question. live and breathe deep enough to know yourself. the life given to us is impossible. yet… i was out of breath and the only one to make myself regain it. how can i regain my mother tongue if i do not know how to or if i want it? how to continue wanting. die. Die Mutter. Meine? I am. the world is a loop, eight turned sideways without sides. the walls i live inside are not true. there happens and happens and happens and tell me please where the meaning is lost and where does everything go for i only see it/them going going going going going going going going. there is no end after the words and the beginning?