Personal

I tell myself I don't love you anymore but you're the one I'm always thinking about when it start to get bad again. It's been so long. If, what, 4 or so years is a lot? I can't really remember. Maybe it's the depression, maybe it's just naturally how I am, but my memory is horrible. I can't remember when or what year I fell in love with you, and I can't remember when I completely fell out of it. At this point, as I lay here and think about you, I just realized I almost forgot your name.
It's when nothing I do is enjoyable, when I'm bored, lonely, and lack the energy to do anything. I say your name in my mind. I do it once, twice, however many times I feel like. Do you want to know something interesting? I repeated your name twice and even with several seconds of searching, I couldn't remember your last name.
I think I should be happy. You were a horrible stain in my life, so why should I hold onto anything regarding you? Yet, it felt horrible. Maybe it's because you were my first real relationship, even though considering it that in the first place is recognizing a crime. Whatever. If I have fragments of missing you, of loving you, I can't identify them. They are abstract, fuzzy figures in my mind that, if touched, remain intact and as if they were never disturbed in the first place.
Should I blame my brain for being abnormal? Should I blame you? Should I blame my young mind, or blame you for taking advantage of it?
I don't know anymore. I just want to sleep.