Love letters to no one.

I started taking long walks in the mornings.
Down here in Anthem, its peaceful to hear the birds, wind, and water run.
Almost as if they are designed to calm me. This is when I am at the most at peace.
My imagination runs wild everytime I take this walk.

I always see you ahead of me. Walking away with a smile on your face.
Just like the one you carry during our Disney trip. Gosh... how I miss those days.

My mind is a mess. Thoughts like "I know this is for the better, but I wish I could just get another chance.", "I wish I was more emotionally intelligent to understand what was happening rather than having it all fall on me in one night."

It really was just a bad time for me... and I subconsciously thought you'd save me.
I guess not.

You told me that you do love me, but not the way I want.
I feel the same way, but I know deep down. Even now.
That we can make it work.

You just chose to end it for the better. Sadly, I will admit.
I wish you never had your best friend around. And not because of how I feel about her now.
But because, in reality. You had me around as a "boyfriend" not your lover. Which is, ofcourse very insensitive for me to say.
But look at the signs, and walk a mile in my shoes for a moment.

I got into a shitty situation with our last job. We quit because we couldn't handle it due to mental health constraints.
Put ourselves in ashitty situation. I looked for jobs day in and out. Having my grandfather help me as much as he could.
While dealing with the fact that I lost so many family members I'd never be able to see again because I chose to be with you.

Side note: please don't feel guilty. I am only showing you my choices.

I chose you because I love you more than anything in this world, and that's why it hurts to think you'd find someone else and be happy with them. My healing process will be with me until the day I die. You are my biggest regret.

I then had my back injury, after 1 damn week with that next job.
You know the one. The one I LOVED because I was moving again, and had weekends off so we'd be able to spend it together.
Fuck man... I really did just want to spend all my time with you.

Then we moved in together with my bummed back.
EVEN WHEN MY BACK WAS BAD. I wanted to do everything in my power to give you my best.
Got on a job at home with phone calls again, started to feel that same depression.
And started to look for a job where I was happy so we'd be happy together.

But then that day came... that horrible day...
The day I got my car.

I wasn't ready my love.
I wasn't ready to tell you my dark secrets.
But you forced it out of me, and had me own up to me.

Then you grew distant.
Started spending more time with your best friend, instead of with me.

I wanted to kill myself, but I promised I wouldn't because I wanted to show you.

Show you, you are the only person in this world I would give myself up to.

I lied because I was scared, but I planned to tell you.

You took it upon yourself to look into my things to find out yourself.
I don't blame you.

But when someone isn't ready for something.
You should really give them the space.

This isn't what I wanted.

I walk alone.