what can I do?

What can I do?

         Today was like any other. I wake up at the early morning before the sun is even awake and go to school. Now this all seems fine and dandy but at the back of my mind I keep thinking about what I have done wrong, not that I did something wrong to someone or the school but the many times in the past that I did mess up and didn't fix anything or try to grow as a person. And I know this more than anyone who has met me, yet I can't do anything. Like I try to feel better or I try to make a face about everything and just move forward and just try to be myself, but I can't do anything. I can't do anything that will fix my life or take back the wrongs to make them right and I need to live with that pain for how long only to have it grow more and more until I feel like things are falling apart.
         But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I can see it. Its just so far from where I am now that the long walk ahead seems so fair and I am really tired. Taking breaks and naps are good for the body since I cant rush things that although I want to the body wont, my mind needs to get used to my body's speed and I have a hard time with that. I have a hard time with a lot of things. Might be from past issues or current ones but as of now I feel nothing. Not I feel nothing as in being numb but its like I feel a level of nothing that I don't think anyone has felt before. Or something along the lines of I try and fail so I keep trying and failing only to succeed once and then fail even harder than I did before. What is that? This long tunnel of depression or sadness or whatever you call it.
         Today I wrote 8 pages in my notebook, just about anything that came to mind. At first I was happy and felt grand and amazing, like the entire world got better and I could feel the happiness just wash over me. Until it stopped and now I just feel sick and like I have a large hole in my chest. At one point I think I could hear my heart beat but not anymore. Things seem bleak and I might be thinking game over but that's not the case. I am just sad and upset and disappointed that I try, and things don't work out. Or if they do then they just fall apart after so much time. Honestly its funnier than people would think. You do so much for people that you forget how to do something for you and that's hard to relearn. Because all I ever knew was writing and being there for people but now the one person, I want to be there for had found someone else and is laughing having a great time without me and I just sit here typing away on a keyboard about how sad I am. Talk about a winner.
I think that there is a certain amount of time that you need to just work with and after the time put into the issue the time you get out feeling better about yourself is much nicer than the small gaps when you feel awful. And that's something I would bet on. Its just a long term bet that will end with being happy but the walk with sadness to get there is what scares me. It keeps me up at night. Because I know and think about the things that hurt and know that they go on and I cant stop them and that hurts the most of all. Yet I need to not do that and just breath. Breathing and waiting are two of the things I can do the best. Yet I still find a way to mess that up.

-Raymond