this is about the day I almost took my life |
Something bad happened in Warwick I almost... On January 3rd 2018 There were flashes My father telling me that he didn't want to see me kiss the girl I loved My mother saying I should just move out if I didn't like their rules Her beautiful mouth uttering "I love you" Her deceiving lips proclaiming "I don't know what I want" Her tainted hands holding me for the last time And then everything came like a flood The abuse growing up The feeling of always being "other" in this dark skin The closet i didn't know I was trapped in The heartbreak The friends that left so brutally The depression I had fought for so long And then the flood broke the mental dam I had built Wood splintered and cracked Water savagely pierced the weakest points then quiet.... All I could see or seem was the rumble of the train not far off My feet perched on the edge, ready to leap God, I wanted it God, I needed it Because pain like that is all consuming People act like suicide is a rational choice But for me, it's the most insane, irrational, desperate I've ever been You can't see out or forward Physically you're crippled I was shaking I was staring at knives on the table Cut bitch Cut. Bitch. But then I thought everyone would hate me Judge me Pity me So why stop there? Why not just stop waking up every morning wishing I hadn't? Wednesday in Warwick I made one last ditch effort I called a hotline 1-800-273-8255 And 14 minutes saved my life And I've been checking my pulse this last week Holding my breath to see if it was true I don't know what clicked or what pulled me up But today, I can officially say... That I am no longer suicidal I'm still depressed as fuck I still have a long way to go But I no longer regret not jumping on those tracks So...I'm here. Here. |