Lost in the Closet

Recently I graduated with a Performing Arts degree concentrating in music, and as part of that process I had to create a final capstone performance of some kind. I am a singer, so I chose 6 songs to perform and wrote short monologues to tie them together into a story. This project took on a life of its own, and although I don't consider myself a true writer, I felt very proud of this work. SO, I have decided to share the monologues on here. I have included youtube links to the songs I performed in between each monologue, if you would like to listen to them where they belong.

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Hi there! Tonight, I'm going to tell you a story. My story. Oh, what's my name? That's not important. Now, where to start? My entire life, I always felt like an outsider. Sure, I had a few friends here and there, but I could always feel this...wall between me and them. I was different. But what was so different about me? What was wrong with me?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfnMvo87fQU

So at school, I was an outsider. Surely at home it was different, right? Well... not really. That's not to say no one loved me, I know my family did, but...the wall was still there. Especially with my dad. We just never had that special father/son bond that other families had. We loved each other, sure, but I could always feel a barrier. Then, when I was 7 years old, he died. I never got to connect with him, and I couldn't help but blame myself for that. It couldn't be him, he was great! So...what did I do? WHAT was wrong with me?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwCykGDEp7M

So then, outsider at school? Check. At home? Check. But growing up, I always was told that there was one place where I would feel safe and welcome. Church. "God loves you", they told me. But even still, there was always this nagging feeling in the back of my head that said "No. This isn't right." WHY? Why in this place where I am supposed to feel safe and loved do I feel wrong? What the HELL is wrong with me?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIJYPes2wGg

I was so lost, so…confused. No matter where I went, I felt wrong. Then, senior year of high school, I finally found a friend. Him. He was the answer to all my questions. The more I talked to him, the more this feeling inside me that I had buried made sense. I hid this feeling because I thought it was just part of being “different.” It was the feeling I got when I saw all my classmates being asked to prom. The feeling when I saw my siblings dating and I wasn’t. The feeling when I was in church and saw the old couples celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. I…liked him. I liked…boys. I started to ask myself: “Was I…g-No! I couldn’t be.” But then I’d look at him. His cute smile, the way he flipped his hair, the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed…and I knew it. It had to be true.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RztPU3KDQhs

It all made sense now. He made sense. I never connected with people because that “wall” I felt was me not being myself. I was hiding this part of myself. There was NOTHING wrong with me! I wasn’t dating people like my siblings were because I was trying to like girls, and I didn’t. I liked boys…I liked HIM! And…at church. MY GOD. It all made sense. I was going to a church that was literally telling me to deny this huge part of myself. No WONDER I felt out of place. And it was all thanks to him. He helped me find myself. He saved me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkdPRcY0k4o

So…yeah. I finally understood. But…then came the scary part. I had to tell people. My friends. My family…YIKES I had to tell my family. I started with people I knew would accept me for who I was. My friends were all so much more supportive than I could’ve ever hoped for. My family…well it took some time. We had tough moments. But we finally came to a good place. And…that was that. I was out. And it felt amazing. The world knew and it felt good.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7NENSbrSl4


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Thanks to all for reading (and if applicable, listening). This project was the most personal thing I’ve ever done and will always have a very special place in my heart. That being said, any comments on my writing style or song choices are greatly appreciated! Just please keep in mind that this was written to be heard, not read, so the many italicized and underlined words are simply places I put emphasis when speaking. Thank you all! :)