The seeds of hard life of change Part 1

I start by saying this is fictional but i have seen many family members and friends in some ways adding there forms of seeding bad habits from growing up in poverty and abusive childhood. I grew up in small town, it was secluded in ways from others. I remember a life of cold winters and nice summers as i grew older i always imagined more from life like in the movies, when your a young boy and you watch on a movie or see happy families it makes you almost ignore the facts that its hard to know that being poor was not by choice but it was what you was born into and to see your parents not trying to better our lives makes a young boy think differently. Anyways on with story.. Its sad when your only memories as child are of abuse or traumatic events. At times things were great and things would seem like family but there was always those little things that could have made a difference in a childs life. Lets say at 6 years of age i remember being bad at school already but at home there was always drinking, fighting and abuse. It made me grow up faster than most kids, i thought differently. I tried harder at things i liked more because of all the bad times around me. Everyday it was normal but my parents weren't like other parents i knew they loved me but it was like they would never show it. I would be bad for attention but it would do nothing because of the way my father was, he was cruel man most of time but i never stopped want his love, i never stopped needing his love but it never came. I always give him the benefit of the doubt but now as a man I think of him as pitiful for what he put us through (Yea it sounds crazy, Its type of love i only knew and know), I look at him today and he is shell of man that he was but I still do not blame him in a hateful way but as a why father? Why father did you never love us kids or me, what did i do? He was so distant that I can barely remember him kissing me goodnight, if not just one time. It wasn't enough, It didn't help me in my life. He at the time would be very mean to my mother and us kids daily. I don't remember him working ever and when he did i know he gave very little to the family. It fueled his drinking and partying those were times we never forgot he would hurt our mother so much that we would cry most of night. It was like we knew right away what kind of day it was because he was around. Holidays were far and few in between, if we got lots it was like 2 gifts and few tiny things. We would go to our grandparents to get gifts for the few younger years of our family until the abuse got worse and worse. I remember it getting so bad that we was forced to try to get involved as tiny toddler, that was where it began that was when our lives changed. At that point we was just scared of the violence, we seen our mother bruised and hurt every other week but we coped with it went to school and acted like life was fine. I remember liking school because i hated to go home but i loved my mother so much that i had to be with her expecting love from our father as well. We just waited for a hug from him we waited for kiss goodnight and it never came. We always wanted more through every time we was hit over something you see other families just laugh off, we finally get our first video game system, I remember it took me to another word of meaning and control of something for once, for once i had control of something. I found myself ignoring everything around me but by now me and my brother have started our own personal issue with time on the game. There was another form of hate and abuse over something that should be fun. When ever we would fight we would get hit, everything was hit. We learned to get along to save our game plus we was tired of getting hit for nothing. As we grow we begin to grow away from home because of the drinking. I found myself exploring everywhere, though my parent we damn strict even though they was having it hard we did have at least 2 meal a day and we had to be there or else. It weird to remember the things we did for fun, we had nothing so we was used to it. It was like we had to pretend to be normal when all we wanted was someone to care. At school girls would always mess with me i was always talking to girls or they was bugging me. I don't know what it was but they always wanted to hurt or mess with me but would later try to be my boyfriend. I have scars still from when i was letting them scratch me to draw attention, i guess i loved that attention more than anything. Everything was competition but keep it in mind i was only like 9 at time so these weren't nothing serious because of how young i was but it was some of the early seeding of who i became later in life. It seemed to be something that was instilled in my mind to meet a girl even at very young age. I remember getting those young boy urges, its something young boys know. Some kids ignore it others were drawn to it more and more. Growing up in small town that was 80 percent poor made it easy to become sexually active at a young age and when there most likely other children going through some of the same problems makes it easier for a kid to try to act older. Urges take over a young boy who had so many traumatic memories, a kid should not have to worry as much as i did. A child shouldn't have to fight for love from their parents, a child should not have to be the last one on earth the feeling of being alone is hard. Its like losing a best friend or a person close to you. I feel like time flew as i became older. I remember once when i watched my mother pour boiling hot water on my father it was the scariest things i have seen in person but i made it through that because we was to a point to where we had to block out whatever happened or we would get punished for it. We helped our mother until we got taken by child services for 3 weeks after that we never called the cops again. The place was big facility that just seemed like old hospital we cried for hours til we noticed the workers there were really getting mad. It was to point that i was like i quit just so that we wasn't just left alone. The sad part was that our grandma had us for a day and she let them take us cause she had to work. Our other grandparents eventually came to get us but all i remember was them running my parents down and to a kid that hurts. I remember them saying next time you guys will stay there because your mother is so dumb. As years went on it was the same cycle that went on except that we was still poor and other kids started the bulling and teasing because of the cheap clothes our parents bought us at the time, it was hard enough why do people do this. Our own families barely helped us but when they did it was so fun they had the storybook life of camping, birthdays, holidays and what every other loving family does for each other it makes it so hard to be a decent kid or what a kid should be like. Most kids were no nonsense and careless i was timid and shy to a sneaky point.


( First weird short story i wrote this fast and i will get better just wanted to let people be aware of what children go through and the changes it makes them have forever for better or worse unfortunately)