Feather Boa Constrictor

24 hour theater
Inspiration: Feather Boa constrictor
Director: Mike Cerepinski
Actors: Joe B Haney
Brandt Hurley
Ryan Balfour
Tara Babcock
Setting: a quiet corner of a restaurant. The table sits off to one side of the stage (stage left) to allow for movement to the “restroom” on stage right (between blue and green flat) Near the restroom door (in front of the green flat)is a coat rack with several coats, a fur, some hats and a bright yellow feather boa.
Open on BRANDT and TARA sitting at the table. They are talking excitedly.
TARA: looking past BRANDT’s shoulder I hope they get here soon. I can’t wait to meet Joe!
BRANDT: looking in the same direction I hope so too. It feels like I’ve been waiting for forever to meet Ryan.
TARA focusing back on BRANDT: Can you believe what Sara did today? The gall. She knows that Johnathan can’t stand that kind of crap.
JOE enters stage right (right of green flat), hangs up a yellow beret. He looks around for a moment, spots BRANT’s back and walks over to the table, catching TARA’s eye and gesturing for her to not give him away.
Brandt: Oh, I know. I’m hoping he write her up-
JOE: Excuse me young man. We don’t serve your type here.
BRANDT: obviously immediately cranky, slowly turning in chair What do you mean you don’t-
JOE: You’re entirely too cute for this dump.
BRANDT: Jumping up to hug JOE- kisses or hugs- whatever the actors are comfortable with. LOVE!
JOE: Hello love.
BRANDT: Joe, I’d like you to meet Tara. Tara- Joe!
TARA stands and comes around the table to shake JOE’s hand- JOE draws her in for a hug. TARA seems a little shocked, but relaxes into the hug.
JOE: Nope. I’m a hugger.
TARA: I don’t mind. Stepping back, to BRANDT He gives good hug.
BRANDT: I know! One of the many reasons I’m crazy for him. To JOE We’re still waiting for Ryan.
TARA: Apologetically He had some last minute things to finish up at work. He texted about an hour ago, saying he’d be a few minutes late. Won’t you have a seat? Gestures to a chair on the right side of the table. They all sit.
JOE: What does he do?
TARA: He’s a general contractor. He owns his own business. And it seems to be good.
JOE: That’s very manly.
TARA: laughs. Yes, yes it is. To him, it seems to be a lot of fun. Somebody has to do the heavy lifting.
BRANDT: As long as he’s supporting you to in the manner to which you would like to become accustomed, he can lift all the heavy things he wants.
TARA: Someday, maybe! For now, I’m happy working with you.
RYAN enters stage right. TARA spots him and waves. JOE and BRANDT are looking at a menu and don’t see the wave. TARA stands and goes to RYAN, giving him a bug hug (or kiss- again- actor comfo then gestures him over to the table. BRANDT has turned to look at them and gives TARA a wink and a thumbs up. JOE has also turned to look at them and, after a surprised look, turns back to the menu and pretends to be engrossed. TARA and RYAN move to sit in the chairs stage left. RYAN sees JOE’s face and freezes for a second.
TARA: Ryan- meet Joe and Brandt. Brandt, Joe, this is Ryan
BRANDT and JOE stand. BRANDT enthusiastically shakes RYAN’s hand. RYAN offers JOE his hand and JOE takes it after a pause, letting go after a single shake.
TARA: Aw! No hugs?
JOE: I try not to hug too many manly men without invitations. I have a fear of rejection. RYAN cringes. Shall we sit?
They all sit. RYAN immediately picks up the menu.
JOE: So, Ryan, Tara tells me you’re a general contractor.
RYAN: Yes, I am.
JOE: That’s lovely. Not many feathers and sequins, so it’s not really my thing.
RYAN: And what do you do, Joe?
JOE: All theater, all the time. All the sequins and feathers I could want. It’s where I met Brandt.
BRANDT: He cast me as Agador in his production of the Birdcage last year. Affecting a really bad Guatemalan accent He loved my Guatamalan-ness.
JOE: And he looks good without shoes.
TARA: What are you directing now?
JOE: I’m gearing up for In & Out. Ryan, you really out to consider auditioning. You’d be perfect for Howard Brackett.
RYAN: I’m not really much for the theater.
JOE: Too busy being manly?
RYAN: Just too busy getting my business up and running.
JOE mutters: Always running.
TARA: What was that, Joe?
JOE: Hmn? Oh, nothing, nothing. Perusing the menu I think I’ll get the chicken This last is directed at RYAN.
BRANDT: Sounds good. Nudging JOE Are you alright, love?
JOE: Yes, yes I’m fine.
TARA: What is In & Out about?
BRANDT: Oh! It’s such a great script!
JOE: It’s about a fellow who seems to have the ideal life. He’s about to get married, and is a teacher in a small Midwestern town. A former student mentions him in an acceptance speech at the Academy Awards and outs him as gay. He, of course, asserts that he is not. He spends the play running from the attention the announcement brings, but comes to realize that it is true. He falls in love with one of the male reporters covering the story. Really, very touching. He fights so hard to be manly, but in the end, his true self wins out.
During this speech, Ryan’s face is covered more and more by the menu.
JOE: Have you decided what you want, Ryan?
RYAN: No, no. I’m- I’ll be right back. He stands quickly and walks briskly across to the restroom, disappearing.
TARA: Oh! I hope he’s okay.
BRANDT: I hope so too. That was very sudden.
JOE: Do gay men make him nervous?
TARA: They never have before! I’m sure he’ll be okay. It must have been an unusually difficult day. So, Joe- when are auditions for your play?
JOE: Next week. There would actually be a part for you, as well, as the jilted fiancée.
TARA: No, I really- well, maybe! She looks at the menu for a moment, then back to where RYAN disappeared. I hate to ask this, but can one of you go check on him?
JOE: Standing. I’d be happy to.
TARA: Thank you, Joe.
JOE: My pleasure, dear.
TARA and BRANDT continue looking over the menu and chatting quietly while JOE walks over to the coat rack, grabs the feather boa and stands to one side of the restroom door. When RYAN emerges, JOE wraps the boa around his neck. RYAN turns, startled.
JOE: Well, there you are, Miss.
RYAN: pulling Joe back behind a conveniently placed potted plant. Joe. Oh, god, Joe. You can’t tell Tara.
JOE: Tell her what, Ryan?
RYAN: taking off the boa and trying to hand it back. You know. Tara doesn’t know about my- history. I’ve never told her. I don’t think she’d like it.
JOE: looking over to where TARA seems to be absorbed in conversation with BRANDT. Oh, I think she likes gay boys just fine.
RYAN: But I’m not!
JOE: Jesus, Ryan. Can’t you even say it?
RYAN: Fine. I’m not gay.
JOE: You sure seemed gay for a couple of years.
RYAN: That was years ago.
JOE: Not so long ago. I think I still have some pictures on my phone I could share-
RYAN: No! Please, Joe.
JOE: I do believe those were close to the same words I said when you left, and you did it anyway.
RYAN: I’m sorry, Joe. I really am. Can we-
JOE: Just pretend? No. I think you’ve been doing enough of that. Though I’m not sure if it was with me or if it’s with her.
RYAN: Sighs and buries his face in the boa. I didn’t pretend with you. I just- needed to go my own way.
JOE: And be a manly man.
RYAN: Yes. And be a manly man. Do you know how hard it would be to get contracting jobs if I still went in drag? Why do you think I grew the beard?
JOE: I think it looks great with the boa. Takes it out of RYAN’s hands and wraps it around his neck again. RYAN doesn’t fight it.
RYAN: I really am sorry, Joe. I know I hurt you. I knew it when I was doing it. It was stupid and hurtful and horrible of me.
JOE: Yes, it was.
RYAN: It was college. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do or be, and I made all the mistakes.
JOE: Yes. You did.
RYAN: Now, can we let it go and have a good evening and you’ll never have to see me again?
JOE: We could, I suppose. But here’s the rub- Brandt knows I’m upset about something. And I don’t keep secrets from my lover. And when I tell him, guess who he’s going to tell? He’s really, really bad at secrets.
RYAN: He’ll tell Tara.
JOE: Yes. He’ll tell Tara. I suggest you beat him to it. Unless you’d like to run away?
RYAN: No! I love her.
JOE: Then be honest with her.
RYAN nods, then throws one end of the boa over his shoulder. He steps past Joe and walks over to the table. TARA looks up from her conversations with BRANDT. JOE is close behind.
TARA: Hi Ryan. Pause. Are you ok?
RYAN: I am. I think.
TARA: gestures to the boa. New accessory?
RYAN: Oh! He takes it off. I forgot that was there.
JOE: He got attacked by a feather boa constrictor. Total surprise. Who’d have thought they let those things roam free? Here- I’ll take it and return it to the wild.
RYAN hands the boa over, but plucks a feather from it. As JOE crosses the stage to hang up the boa, RYAN sits next to TARA, who looks worried.
TARA: You’re behaving oddly. Put a hand on his forehead. Are you sure you’re alright?
RYAN: Taking her hand in his I’m fine. I really am. I just need to talk to you about something.
TARA: Oh?
BRANDT: Should I go away?
RYAN: No. This concerns you too.
BRANDT: Oh?
RYAN: And Joe as JOE is sitting back down at the table
TARA and BRANDT: looking between the two men Oh?
BRANDT: I didn’t think you two were gone THAT long.
RYAN: Laughs No. We weren’t. Tara, I haven’t been perfectly honest with you.
TARA: Okay…
RYAN: I know I haven’t told you a lot about my romantic life before we met.
TARA: I always figured you were just private.
RYAN: There are things I didn’t tell you because I wasn’t certain how you’d react. And frankly, I didn’t want to freak you out. I didn’t want to lose you. And I never want to lose you.
TARA: Okay. So tell me. Because now you are freaking me out.
BRANDT: Me too!
RYAN: playing with the feather. When I saw Joe, I got really nervous. I’m sure you could tell.
BRANDT: All of Idaho could tell, Ryan.
RYAN: When I was younger, back in college, I had sort of an alter ego. I ran away from it because I didn’t think it was compatible with what I wanted to be when I grew up.
JOE: A manly man.
RYAN: It really wasn’t compatible with being a manly man. My alter ego was the opposite of a manly man.
JOE: Her name was Shirley.
TARA: What?
RYAN: Oh, God, I know this is a lot to digest.
BRANDT: Oh! Wow! You’re SHIRLEY?
TARA: You were, what? A cross dresser?
RYAN: I was a drag queen.
TARA: And you knew Joe?
RYAN: Yes.
JOE: Tell her the rest, Ryan.
RYAN: I lived with Joe for a year and a half.
TARA: Oh. Wow.
RYAN: Yes. Wow.
BRANDT: WOW! That is so cool! Joe talks about Shirley’s performances all the time!
JOE: So, we were both a little surprised to see the other here.
TARA starts laughing.
RYAN: What’s so funny?
TARA: I thought it was something bad. You looked so nervous.
RYAN: I lied to you. That’s pretty bad.
TARA: You never lied, really. You just left something out.
JOE: That’s a pretty big something.
BRANDT: That’s what I’ve heard. They all look at BRANDT. What? Her performances were not the only thing Joe talked about! They all laugh. TARA takes the feather from RYAN and blows it at BRANDT.
RYAN and JOE: To TARA You’re not mad?
TARA: Not at all! Though now I am curious what you look like in stockings. They laugh again. JOE and BRANDT hug while TARA hugs RYAN. Anyway, we all experiment in college Breaks the 4th wall to wink at the audience)