The intro

Sadness. Defeat. Empty.

Those are the three words that describe how I feel most of the time. I don’t really have a reason for feeling the way I do. but does anyone need a reason? I can’t control it. I have good parents but they aren’t always good. my mom and I always fight and my dad can be really mean. My boyfriend is great, too great. I don’t deserve him. My dad is a very angry person, and sadly that passed down to me. I try so hard to control it but I can’t. Brenden tries so hard with me and it’s just not enough sometimes. Maybe I’m not fit for a relationship. I’m far too emotional and sassy. I don’t even know what I want so how can I expect someone else to? Life is hard. I’m such a good friend but I don’t seem to have many. I’m always sad lately. I don’t think many people know. I try not to be alone because that’s when it hits the hardest. I want to end it but I can’t. what if I go to hell? That always in the back of my head. Brenden always says he can’t move on without me, but he’s so perfect. He’d be so much happier without me but he just doesn’t see it. And in a way, I’m happy he doesn’t see it. He’s my rock. He’s always there to talk and listen. He never judges me, just listens and says comforting things. He always seems to know what to do to make it better. Even if it’s going shopping because he knows that helps a ton. I wish I could change who I am. I’m scared of everything but nothing at the same time. I wish I could understand myself. But I don’t. I don’t want to fight this constant battle with myself any longer. It’s hard. I’m too emotional for this world and I feel like I don’t have much to offer. Honestly, the only people that would hurt forever from me dying is my parents. My grandma and grandpa wouldn’t be around much longer, Brenden would be okay, and Michaela is the only friend but she’d be fine, she always is. I don’t want to hurt my parents but how can anyone expect me to keep fighting like this? I’m not happy. There are small things that make me happy but the sadness always comes back. I want to be happy like I used to be. I don’t know what happened to me. I can feel my heart beat everyday but I don’t feel alive. There is a ton of bricks on my chest, weights sitting on my shoulders that are holding me down. And those bricks and weights are depression. I tried talking to my mom about it but she always says “I’m sorry honey, I don’t know what you want me to do. Do you want to see a counselor?” Tried Brenden but he says, “Why don’t you get back on your medicine?” I don’t want to rely on a medicine to make me happy. I tried a couple of friends but they always just say that they’re sorry. Sorry doesn’t really help my situation but thanks guys. I have trouble sleeping because my thoughts keep me up at night. My thoughts tell me how worthless I am and that everyone would be okay if I was gone. I barely have siblings, I wish the world was as kind hearted as me, but it’s not like that. This world hurts and this world is killing me. Literally.