Am I Sitting or Standing

AM I SITTING OR STANDING, AM I GOING OR COMING?

For the past few years I have tried to find who I am but to no success as of yet. I am struggling to find my identity, my true inner me. I struggled, each day and night I pray to God to show me His purpose of myself on this world. Does God hear? Does He answer? Why am I in the same position which I was or even worse 22 years ago. What is it that I did that God cannot forgive me of? Most people I know are somewhere- somewhere you can see that a supernatural power is at work. How can I also get hold of that supernatural power? A power that takes you from nothing to something without begging all night and all day. A power that can surpasses all your fears and understandings. Supernatural power which can give you break from all the torments of this world. My heart is heavy, I am grieving. Its like there is a monitoring gadget which always controls my life - A gadget which was programmed for my downfall, it gets paid on my downfall. My skin is no longer attractive no matter the amount of oil I can apply. I am sad. I do not have a happy life. I am here seeing other people living life and I am just escorting them yet I want to live up to 108 years. Who am I? Where am I going and what is it that God wants to see in me. Haven't I been strong enough for me to be living up to this years struggling like this. Is my name also written in His Chronicles?

Yes, is it not written? I grew up in a big suburb of the capital city of my Country. I was exposed to all good and bad things. It is not like I was born in a neglected city, yet my life shows that. The city I grew up in has many talents. It has singers both of world and gospels (although few of them by then) dancers, models, politicians etc. I was exposed to good and bad life. That was supposed to give me an opportunity to choose what I would want to become. Yet I failed or let me say I am still failing. On second thoughts, maybe I did not fail at all. Maybe the universe chooses for me, yet also I do not like what the universe has chosen for me.

Being the first born of six children, my parents did everything they could for their first daughter. I was very advantaged. The schools I went to were not that very expensive ones but yet they were good. If I could classify my family life, I would classify them as a medium class. I was also not a dumb in school yet also not the cleverest child in that school. I was a day scholar on primary and become a boarder in secondary. My everyday wish and dream was to have a successful life when I grow up. I always see myself having it all in life. I started to day dream when I was still very young. At the age of eleven I was already seeing myself having kids with a lovely husband. At that time that was a wish of everybody but let me not say for everybody. Maybe it was my wish only. Having a husband and children was a resemblance of having God 's favour at that time. Yes, we have so many role models in our society but by that time singers were labelled as demonic people. They were not taken up seriously. One was supposed to have a white-collar job for him /her to be taken up seriously in society. I remember at one time when I was about to write my grade seven exams. My parents were very adamant that I pass. For them nothing was going to stop me from passing. I was the first born and I was supposed to lead by example. They were providing me with everything I want. I was also supposed to pass so that I can go to a good school and become a doctor. Once I become a doctor I was expected to change the way they were living. I was going to be an example to the whole clan of our surname since no-one has ever made it. My cousins all of them have fallen pregnant before finishing high school. We are few girls in the whole clan. I failed a mock exam of my grade seven paper. My father could not agree with it. He personally took me to one of the white gowns spiritual person so that he can pray and remove whatever the people who hate us has put in my eyes in order to block me from seeing clearly on my exam paper.

The white gown spiritual man, wearing his long gown danced and prayed calling his god. He could chant words only himself could understand. He could call names in which some will be similar to our relatives and my father will nod in agreement and some will not and he would say those names were friends to those which were similar to our relatives. My father would nod in agreement. At one moment he distracted my father and I remember vividly seeing him removing snake shells from one his undergarment pockets together with the teeth of a cat. He quickly pulled my eyes (up to now I still have a visible scar on my right eye) and started to pray in his language and pulled my eyes again. He immediately opens his hands and dropped the things on the floor and purported that they have come from my eyes. My father was convinced and I could not have convinced to him that it was a lie. In that moment you all tend to believe it. I was still eleven of age.

Today I am in my late 30's. I am left with 4 days to clock in my forties. I don't feel happy to divulge my years. I always lie when it comes to my age in case someone might take a deep look on me. I don't have something to show which is equivalent to my years apart from my lovely kids. I don't wish to celebrate it also, not that I am not thankful that God has taken me this far but because on every birthday people will ask "How old are you now....". So, to avoid that question I would rather pretend my birthday will be next month, that next month which will never come. Life to me is just life. I can smell that it can be enjoyable and I heard it too from others yet I can not live it. I have failed in my life several times. I have failed as a wife, in my career, I have failed as a Christian and I have failed as a citizen in my country. I have failed as a sister and I have failed as a mother to my children. I am surrounded by failure yet that is not what I want. I have been a Christian since, and a very serious Christian for a period of 8 years and for the past 2 years have been a lukewarm Christian yet life is taking a deep and sharp slope down. I have done what a person need to do to survive but not the worst. My Pastor taught me that I am superior no-matter what, even the bible says so. I have been created by the image of God. I am not a failure. I always says this but my life is heeding the opposite of what I say. I have been taught to declare every day that I am virtuous woman. Surprisingly I am leaving a painful life. Where is the virtue in that type of life? I thank God for my beautiful 3 kids He blessed me with. Each time I look at them I get hope. They give me courage to fight on yet my bones are now weak. Am I going to make it in life despite of having children only. What Legacy am I going to leave my children with? I do not have a place of my own. I work for meagre salary which after deducting rent and transport money I will be only left with money which allows me to buy only the necessities of life. The necessities which are not even enough because before my next pay day I will in short of mealie-meal.

I am beautiful in structure yet inside I am damaged. I realised the extent of the damaged I brought to myself and how it happens. I dream too much. I expect too much from God. I have higher expectations, very high expectations. I know what I want and where I want to go yet I am failing to have it and even failing to take one step. It seems my feet are glued in one place. What should I do to unglue my feet? I know the type of husband I want yet I am single. I know the house I want to live in yet I am renting in a small apartment. I know the car I want to drive yet I am tracking. I have been tracking since I was born until now. I have gone to driver's school several times and wrote my learners and passed but no car. They said FAITH is everything. FAITH is holding to nothing, until that nothing becomes something. When is my nothing is becoming something? I am old now. I have been living in FAITH. Should I be like Abraham in the bible who got his breakthrough at a very old stage? But Abraham was blessed. He was rich despite not having children. So, me What do I have? Oh I have children, 3 children. The kids I am unable to feed properly. I thank you God.

At the age of twelve, I was sent to a boarding school. It was a school for girls only. My mother took me to the school and we went by bus. In the bus we met another parent who was taking her child also to that same school. My mother and that woman became friends. By the time we arrived at the school, our parents had decided already that we were going to share a room. Myself with my new friend were given a room on a west wing. The wing is named Mount Camel. After making the beds for us and putting our trunks in the trunk room our parents left.

The first day was confusing. There was too much noise. It seems everyone was yelling on top of her voice to get attention. We were so many. Myself and my friend whom I am going to name Sheila were surprised. It was a mixed-race girl type of school. The bell rang, and an old lady shouted on top of her wailing voice that we were to go and assemble on the next open space which was facing office block. We were later told that it was a place of all first-time grades. It was our first time to see so many only girls on one place. It looked beautiful. It smells divine.

The boarding master took over the stage. He introduced us to the school staff. We were given our subject teachers and were taken over to our classrooms. Everything looks programmed. On each interval a bell will ring and the boarding mistress who was showing us to places will swiftly take us to another route. In the midst of all confusion, we would find ourselves following. It was like a flock of sheep being taken to their pastures. We managed to go over the whole school and by lunch time we were done. The boarding mistress expect us to know exactly what to do on each of every 30 minutes. 'Why can't they just insert a programmed button inside us - we can't capture all this at once" Another pupil by the name Juliet whispered among us. With our terrified faces we just looked at her. We were even scared to laugh. The boarding mistress looks scary.

It was time for lunch. We all rushed to our rooms to collect our plates. We were given 15 mins to refresh and go to the dining hall. `