I Am

I am a loner
but by loner I really mean sufferer;
Because I may not be painted in camo and smudged by my comrades blood but the wars I wage are real.
The battles a constant cry behind my face and above my throat where the heat of my entire being radiates.

I am an optimist.
Except by optimist I really mean eternal imaginist;
Because the life that I live inside my head is always ten times better than the one I actually lead.
And so I choose to exist in my own imagination almost exclusively.

I am a lover.
Through by lover I really mean illusionist;
Because the second things feel to real I pull a disappearing act better than Houdini.
At first just emotional dissipation followed by an entire bodily removal. Poof.

I am a fighter.
Yet by fighter I really mean loser;
Because every battle I think I've won against my own mind just leads me to another landmine.
Blindsided with no emergency contact dialing.
Completely alone in a field of enemies left out of the defense plan.
A memory completely erased in this oasis I think I created.

I am a healer.
But by healer I really mean criminal;
Because behind the painted face vogueing in a phone lens is a broken toy passing for the next Victoria Secret Model.
A confident facade slyly stolen from a commercial still frame.
A mask so easy to spot if you'd just take one second to look but a story all the same.

I am a dead batter, a stale cracker and the one creaky floor board that you cant pin down.
I am the leaky condom, the cracked phone screen and the flat tire.
I am that which you try to fix quickly only to have it blow up in your face.
I am the most up front disaster which throws you for a loop.

I am the storm.

But remember dear child from the greatest storms come rainbows.