BROKEN

Nikki POV

Going to group therapy, fucking christ.. I hate going there. Absolutely hate it. But i have to, mom is forcing me, sweet i guess.. Shows that she cares a little about me, and i appreciate that. I feel like such a loser sitting here though. Im sitting in the dirty bus seat, covered with gum and stains and a disgusting sweat smell hangs in the entire bus. Im such a loser, im 23 and dont even have a driving license. I feel like im being stared at by everyone. Like, i get it, i look a bit unusual with my long black hair and Xasthur shirt, but i dont think i look that odd? I look down at my wrists, they are covered with scars and they itch like hell. Its my own fault i guess. When i scratch them they hurt. I hate these scars, i wish we never moved to this stupid city in the first place, that we could have just stayed at my hometown, it would make for a much happier person anyway.. On the other hand i would have never met Melita. So thats a trade off, i guess. I love her, she is unlike most other girls not a basic bitch, she is intelligent and nice, she stands up for herself and others and most importantly: She doesnt give a fuck what people think. At least she makes it seem like that, haha. If you just look like you dont care about others, it doesnt really matter if you actually do care, right? Its odd, we are so different but at the same time so alike. She is so much more energetic than me, so much more excited about life.. On the other hand, sometimes we have a total mental breakdown together, long, late night conversations where we would both end up crying. She seems like a very social person, but she is surprisingly shy. In that sense she is like me, much like me.. Its just, she knows how to hide her shyness way better than i do. I respect that. She can have some really extreme anger outbursts out of pure frustration, i feel bad for her, she is, like, she is so not like that, she is one of the calmest and nicest people i have ever met, she cant do much about it and i know how bad she feels about it. She doesnt have an anger outburst every day just, sometimes, she gets so frustrated and pissed off or sad and full of hopelessness that she first gets extremely angry and will be shouting at the walls, then, after she feels like a terrible stupid whiny little bitch, as she states herself, and ends up crying. I cant imagine what its like to not control your anger. Or actually, i can. I dont have many anger issues, im rarely angry, but i cant control my feelings of pure melancholy. I tend to take all world problems out on myself, i know i shouldnt but in that moment i see no other option, i feel like a junky hungry for heroin, or cocaine or whatever the hell, i just need that feel of the cold razor blade across my already scarred arms, or legs or stomach, when the blood drips down and my body and blade get covered in blood i can forget every shitty thing people have ever told me, i can forget every awful memory and everything bad, i can purely concentrate on my physical pain and on absolutely nothing else. In the moment, i forget that im not only hurting myself but also the few others that care about me, and having to be rushed to the hospital again and again, to get stitches and yet another appointment at the psychiatry clinic. Melita isnt exactly depressed, she is generally doing okay but sometimes she has bad bad days. She doesnt cut and she hates that i cut, i have made her cry so many times when we were about to have some awesome sex and she saw freshly made scars. I feel bad about that, i dont want to make her cry.


Im scared she will leave me one day, im scared she gets enough of my depression one day. Im scared she will get enough of me one day. Well, now im at the groups therapy. ~Great~ I hate the fact that when i want to talk about something, i first have to listen to the stories of other people that i dont really care about.. My mother is paying a fortune to those assholes for me, not so i can listen to some drama. She wants me to go to a mental hospital, for my cutting and depression. I have mixed feelings. I would hate being trapped in a place where i couldnt do whatever the hell i want. Thats why im putting it off for now.. I know i need help, but i dont think psychologists and mental hospitals are for me.. I cant stand the fact psychologists talk to me just because they are getting paid to do so. I cant tell them things if i know they are being forced to talk to me, its just, i cant stand that. One late night crying talk with Melita helps me more than all the psychologist sessions in the world. But what if we break up? I can imagine she will be fed up with me one day.. Im just scared for the day i will find a note saying 'Im not putting up with you anymore'. Im scared she will one day tell me 'Im leaving you, im fed up with your constant state of depression'. I dont know why. I feel like such a loser being so relient on one person. Im just a fucking loser. Actually, thinking about it, i hope she breaks my heart and i will be all alone and unable to rely on someone else. I deserve to suffer, and if i cant make it without anyone else, thats depressing and i dont even deserve to live. I hate myself. I deserve to suffer. Oh its the end of this therapy session already, at least i had a decent conversation with myself.
When i come home i see Melita. Hey, she says. Hey. Whats crackin', how was the session? Miserable, as always. I tries not to say that too serious, but it might have came out the wrong way. Oh.. The session or your mood? Both. Haha, well come then, anything you wanna watch or listen? Eh, not really, i say. Or shall we just get straight to sex, haha, she says. Im not protesting, haha. Me neither, she says as she move her face closer to mine. She looks like a dream, with slightly tanned skin and brown curly hair that looks like it belongs to dave mustaine in the nineties. An Obituary 'Slowly We Rot' shirt, her favorite Obituary album, and mine, too. A small girl, 1.64 m, her legs covered by camo pants with Pentagram, Venom and Havok patches. She is my thrasher, i love her. We kiss for a few minutes and then she pulls up my sleeves, the second she sees my new scars i made at the psychology clinic in the bathroom, she frowns and asked when i made them. I told her the honest answer. She looks at me, still frowning but not in an angry way, more in a sad and dissapointed way. I hate to dissapoint people. I cant stand it, i feel like a terrible person afterwards. Melita is so upset, tears slowly form inside her eyes and then drip down her cheeks. Im holding my breath, trying not to look her in the eyes because i just know i will cry too. After a good minute she hugs me and cries everything out. I never know what to do in these situations. I feel fucking awful in them, knowing that i made someone i love so terribly upset makes me want to.. Just end myself. I feel like a selfish little brat that does whatever he wants, with no consideration for others. Just none. I really truly hate myself, im truly just an awful person.