The Alchemy of MaDness

The Alchemy of MaDness

By Alexia Elliott

Chapter 1
Heart on a plate (working title)

My father presented a dilemma, no 15yrs old girl expects.

I’m trying to find a place in the world. I read in a magazine that challenges are meant to be painful, that’s why here in a nightclub. I’m bulging with pride because I’m with Nathan on our second date. Feeling special doesn’t really describe how I feel, he never let girls go out with him. We arrived together, but he disappeared as soon as we entered the club, “Lexia I have business to attend too” I haven’t seen him for over an hour now. I want to look for him, but fear has velcroed me to the wall, I’m fortuitously located near the lady’s toilets, a ringside seat to securitise all the females here. People migrate back and forth to the dancefloor to throw their bodies into shapes, in an excitedly relaxed manner. The other people, hold back on the periphery watching and shouting conversations.

“everyone thinks you look like a twat” Inadequacy teases me. I’m wearing black heels, black wide-legged trousers; they belong to my mum. I’ve tried to make myself look attractive and noticeable by having my stomach and cleavage exposed. The trouble is, I have to keep reminding myself to stand tall, or the filthy fat gathers around my midriff. Shame itches my skin and the passing hour's drag like a toothache. Unknowingly these long hours are the precursor to a darker path awaiting me.


Nathan a cruel man also my first love. From the moment we met, I adored him, why? I don’t know; he's horrible 90% of the time. At 19years of age, Nathan has two prison sentences under his belt. I couldn’t believe he noticed me, let alone wanted to be with me. I’m a nothing girl, Nathan says I’m mouldable, phew. He’s confident he can do something with me, which is a huge relief. I won’t let him know how frightened I am, ill agree with everything he says.


I’m monitoring Nathans movement while encircled by a cacophony of sounds, which fill every corner of the club, Heavy basslines bounce off the walls and into our bodies. Elevating lyrics stimulate excitement in the carefree happy people, who continue to leap and jump around in the middle of the dance floor. I don’t understand how they feel so free to move like that? I bet they are off their faces on Ecstasy, Speed and pints of Lager and Cider mixed. This cocktail is the in-thing, and if you get the mix right, it’s guaranteed entry to alcohol heaven.


I avoid eye contact it's painful, but I’m desperate to learn how to be a human. The thought of sex is interrupting my investigations into humanness; I don’t want to do it, but Nathan will want it later. Nathan thinks he’s going to be the owner my virginity, and I’m worried he will find out. It’s so embarrassing what I did, this older alcoholic, pervert, stole my virginity, he was happy to fuck a 14-year-old in the back of his car. I went along with It; I didn’t know I could say no. I was worried I might offend him. As horrible as the experience was, I’m glad to be rid of my virginity, and I’m in no rush to repeat it. I feel so ashamed that I let this vile creature take me. I pretend it didn’t happen, but it haunts me.

Many things attract me to Nathan. The way his coffee skin reflects beautifully with light, how the blush of rose smeared across his cheeks emphasises the colony of freckles. Those freckles radiate the child within. He does have a frustrating smile. It’s a smile that makes the roughest of people soften. I find it difficult being angry with him. In the absence of his smile, his default setting is mean and threatening. He hates the large scar that sits like a slug across his left cheek. A constant reminder of a fight that got out of control, Nathan lost the fight when he was stabbed in the face. He won’t admit he lost the fight. He goes mad if anyone mentions his scar. Oh, I’m painting a terrible picture here, Nathan is a fun, cheeky, hardened survivor in life. He enjoys hurting people, and I find this difficult to understand. I wonder if it has anything to do his mum rejecting him and the years he spent in children’s homes I want him to love me in the same way, I love him. The only way, I can achieve this is to change myself.


He’s talking to more girls. Sting!! Sting!! Sting!!, his business is strange, why does it involve talking to girls? What does he do? The stinging is alleviated when Nathan returns to check on me. Still velcroed to the wall, intently observing Nathan and the girls. Swallowing anger with each sympathetic look I receive. I retaliate to my pain by justifying why the girls look at me with bitchy eyes. They are jealous of me being with Nathan; he’s told me what they have said about me. I agree with him. I don’t trust the bitches. They all look like stupid dolls. Perfect hair and lives, I hate them.


“Lexia it’s time to go” Nathan glares into my eyes. Instinctively presenting his coat, it’s been hanging from my arm all night. I don’t have a coat. I’m not bothered by that, and I’m stinging inside that he didn’t acknowledge my thoughtfulness regarding his jacket, I’m an idiot letting this bother me. Nathans boisterous goodbyes clear a path to the door guarded by the bouncers.


The chill of the night wind strokes my face, and numerous taxis creep along the roadside, bewildered drunks zigzag the streets in search of a mate or a home for the night. Nathan’s face squares up to mine, and his eyes widen. The clenching and flash of his teeth prompt my stomach to stand to attention just in time for an onslaught of accusations. Nathan vomits allegations and threats into my face and seals the verbal assault with a mouthful of spit into my eye. Confusion irritates my mind to the point of being incapable of thinking or responding. My lack of response makes me look guilty. His hands clasp my neck, and my body is hijacked by a tenuous cobweb of nerve fibre gushing with acidic adrenaline. And the lights go on, and my is face glowing with guilt.
“fucking admit it you bitch, you were screwing her out, you are so insecure” his words pelt my heart and his disgust towards me smears, across my soul.

“Fucks sake Nathan watch my head” I squeal, as my head bounces back from the brick wall. The only thing I want right now is for my feet to return to the ground. Yeah, I know, it would be safer to admit to his bullshit, but I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. The quarrel evolves,


“Nathan, let her go man” a bouncer from the club shouts as he walks over.

“fuck you man this is my fucking women. Don’t get involved.” Nathan screams.

Never, I have I witnessed such brutality. I’m bewildered, what have I done? I can’t ask who “she was” in case he tells me.

Pulling me away from the bouncers by my wrist, “we are going home, and I don’t want any of your shit.”


I don’t want to go to his flat, the journey goes too quickly, and as the red taxi lights fade, I realise I have no choice and follow Nathan to his flat. That’s my final step and Nathan’s red door is waiting. Fear and conflict whip up a shit storm in my tummy. Facing the door fuels an inner fire and I run for it. I only reach the second flight of stairs, and Nathan grabs my hair and slaps my face before dragging me up the stairs. FUCK, I wish the bouncers were here. The flat doors slams shut, and Nathans venom screams out of his mouth.


‘I’m going to teach you a lesson, you, stupid fat bitch.’ His jaw extends into my cheek.
Let me make this clear I’m not fat. I’m a chubby size 10.


Terror soaks my solar plexus before filling my taste buds with bitterness. I learnt to cry silently while the violence continues into the night. He fucks me and eventually falls asleep after chucking my contraceptive pills down the toilet, “you don’t need these anymore, you little slag.” Thank god the moon is watching over me. Sadness envelops me instead of the duvet on this night. I wonder if I’m cursed.

The following morning, In a taxi on my way home, just to grab my uniform before my 07.30am shift at the nursing home. I feel sore and unsure of what last night meant. I doubt he will want to see me again. Deflated and fading back to nothingness, I make my way to work.

Later that evening, the house phone rings. I run to mum’s bedroom to pick up the call, hoping it might be Nathan. “Lexia I’m near your house, get ready I’m coming for you’ my stomach performs backflips of joy until I hear the other phone line has been lifted,


“Alexia, who are you speaking to? Enquires my father


“Who the fuck, are you talking to? Enquires Nathan.


“it’s my dad’, I whisper to Nathan


Who the hell are you talking to in that manner? Enquires my father

“I’m gonna teach you a fucking lesson, no one talk to me like that old man;’ spits Nathan
The phone goes dead.

"Alexia, come downstairs". My father orders.

My legs wither at each step down the staircase, head low trying to manage the explosions in my mind. The screeching of tyres breaks my silence and snakes writhe in my stomach. I see his silhouette through the living room window, and he’s climbing out of the passenger seat of his friend’s car. The streets curtain twitch like antennae’s, as Nathans noise erupts the peace of the sleepy street. Dad meets Nathan on the street and quickly regrets his courageous defence towards Nathan. Nathan square up to my father’s slim frame. Fear dances in Dads eyes, he wasn’t expecting to face such a wild man.

“Lexia get in the car, you are coming with me”

Silence from me

“Are you fucking listening?” he bellows

Silence from me

You can’t tell her what to do? Get in the house Alexia now! Dad says with unease

’ll do what I fucking want, if you carry on interfering, ill knock your fucking teeth out, old man"

Silence from me

“Lexia, you have 5 minutes to get your stuff, and you are coming with me” Nathan glares into my eyes.

My body walks into the house and the kitchen, Mum, without is sitting at the kitchen table her left-hand clutches her head. She appears in conflict with the cigarette in the right hand; it's disrupting her drinking more wine, our eyes do not meet, she pulls a drag of her cigarette. Burnt sausages sit on the kitchen side, teasing her two Afghan hounds, does she no longer care? Mum, why didn’t you shake me? Dad’s shocked that my new boyfriend is an aggressive black thug. Good job they don’t know he’s just come out of prison. For Grievous Bodily Harm.

"Alexia, either pack your bag and leave if you want to stay here end your relationship with this thug?" says my Father

Nathan’s blew it with my family now. I dunno know what to do? You see, Nathan hangs around with really dangerous people. He’s warned me, if I don’t do as he says, “I’ll suffer, as I belong to him now” so, I’m screwed. If I upset him these people, they will target my parents Without him, and I return to invisibility.

Naivety and fear help me grab my essential items, something switches off inside me. A final glance at my place of solace for the past 15yrs, my old Paddington bear, sits on the pillow on my single bed. ‘I can’t take you old friend” I whisper before a short gulp jolts me. I switch off the bedroom light and closing the door. The life I knew has just gone. Numbing pain soothes me, but a deep ache is agitating my nerves.

God whispered, “you have made your bed, lie in it, reap what you sow” I can’t tell anyone. I climb into Nathans friend’s car, and that is me, gone.