Not Today

"Why do you always kidnap me? Is it because I'm a girl? That's sexist, and I don't have to put up with it!" I wiggled and twisted trying to escape from the clutches of Bow Wow, the main villain in the video game that I was stuck in. He kept running without answering me. "You won't get away with this. Tony and Vito will be here to save me if I don't take you down myself."

"Why do we have to go through this every single time that I kidnap you? This is your fate. You are a damsel in distress and need a man to rescue you. That's why little boys play the game, now will you stop with this faux feminist talk and be a good little victim?"

"Oh, you are just the worst." My eyes scanned the scenery for a mystery box that would have a mushroom in it to let me grow. That would give me more of a chance to fight this creature, and maybe defeat him once and for all. His grip started to loosen, and I took advantage of that. My feet hit the ground, and I started running in the opposite direction. "I'll show you who the damsel in distress is!"

"But the boys!" Bow Wow screamed as he chased me through the 2-dimensional shrubbery. We were heading to a break in the ground. I bent my knees, and at just the right moment, my legs pushed me up. Relief flooded my body when I realized that I landed on the other side safely. I turned to find Bow Wow standing at the edge, stomping his feet. He breathed fire at me, which he usually only could do when Tony or Vito had jumped on him a few times. "Won't someone think of the boys who play this game? Stop her!"

Out of nowhere, these turtles that looked like a goose in a shell appeared, and little mushrooms with teeth fell from the sky. One of the mushrooms headed my way, so I jumped up and landed on it. When it exploded, some of the gunk got on my boots. Damn! But at least I was saving my own life. There was no need for a man to save me, not this time.

Bow Wow bent his knees and jumped. The ground beneath me shook when he landed, and that meant that he was going to catch up to me fairly fast. I thought about dropping down the pipes, but only some worked. The others were blocked and would give the monster a chance to catch up with me. That was not going to happen. Not today. One of the goose turtle creatures was moving towards me. I jumped up and landed on the shell. I threw the shell at Bow Wow.

He breathed more fireballs in my direction. As the approached me, I ducked and felt the heat from them. A thought occurred to me, and I ran towards my enemy. It seemed to be counter-intuitive but there was only one way to destroy Bow Wow, and that was to jump on his head. When he saw me coming towards him, he sighed with relief. "Finally, you understand what your role is. Next time don't be so difficult."

"Oh hell to the no!" His words sent my adrenaline racing throughout my body. Without thinking about it, I jumped and landed on his head. Again and again, I would jump and land on Bow Wow's head. With one final jump, his body exploded, and I fell to the ground. For a second, I surveyed the scene and was filled with pride. I did it!
The walk back to the beginning of land would be long, but I felt that I owed it to Tony and Vito, so they didn't come all this way for nothing. They were going to be so proud of me for saving myself and not needing them.

Yet Bow Wow's words rang in my head: "Think of the little boys who play the game." Screw that. They had to know that women could save themselves, that not all women were meant to be rescued, and that kidnapping was wrong.

I don't know how far I had walked because everything looked the same to me, but I heard Tony yelling in the distance, "Yahoo!"

After running for 15 minutes, I found the guys. Vito smiled when he saw me, but Tony looked a little perturbed. "What's wrong?"

"Where's Bow Wow? Why doesn't he have you?"

"I defeated him on my own. I rescued myself!" There was a little too much pride in my voice.

"Umm, I guess that's great and all but what are we supposed to say to the boys who play this game? I mean they want to feel like girls need them to rescue them, it's partly how they grow up to be good men." The tone of Tony's voice suggested that I should have been a good little kidnapping victim and stayed quiet.

"Well, then why don't one of you go get yourself kidnapped by Bow Wow and I can come rescue you. We can give the same message to the girls that play the game."

"You don't get it, Princess. Boys are the rescuers. That's just how it is, that's how society works."

"No, Tony, you don't get it. Girls can do whatever boys do. Everyone should be equal. The fact that you don't think so means that you are just as evil and nasty as Bow Wow. We can talk when you grow out of this sexist and macho attitude that seems to have affected you."

I turned on my heel and stormed off. I could hear Tony venting to Vito. The truth was, Vito was complicit in the matter with his silence.

I never heard from them again. I did end up starring in a new video game series that featured me as a hero, but that's a different story.