The Beauty of Ash

"I'm sorry", I barely whispered as I stared down at my perfectly manicured nails.

I could feel him staring at me. I couldn't bear to see the look in his eyes. Not after our last conversation.

"I know. I am sorry too. I wanted more for us. You know that, right?" I could hear the emotion in his voice. It took us awhile to get to this point. I am still getting used to seeing him so exposed, naked, unguarded.

Here we are, on a pearly white bench overlooking the beautiful ocean. I can feel the soft coarseness of the sand between my toes and the subtle kiss of the luminous sun on my skin. There is a gentle breeze accompanied by the sound of waves crashing against the smooth rocks. Love lives here.

I remember how nervous I was when I asked him to meet me here. I didn't know what to expect. Was he ready to see me after everything? Especially after his accident and our collision...

"All I needed was time, O'Dean. I just needed time."

"And how did that work out for you?"

I turned around to face him being very mindful of the unstable bench we're occupying. This bench was a lot like our relationship. Unstable yet stable enough to carry the weight of two people combined by the yearning of their souls, the yearning for each other and all that comes with that territory.

"I had a speech worked out, you know. Now I am just... speechless."

His face crinkled in laughter, "You? Speechless? Young lady, aren't you ashamed of telling lies?" I giggled at his ridiculousness. My audacious giggles finally converted to a pleasant smile at the touch of his hand. He slowly wrapped my hands in his and placed a gentle kiss on my fingertips.

"Tell me what you were going to say, Ashlin."

The crispness of his voice pierced through the enchanting melody of seaguIls squawking in the distance. I stared at him and couldn't help but notice just how passionately my heart still beats for him, after all this time. "Well, in a nutshell I was not going to say anything..." I smiled mischievously and watched as he raised his eyebrows in fake surprise.

"Oh really? Well, in a nutshell, I'd say that you are just as naughty as ever! It's good to know that some things never change." I averted my eyes at the sight of his smirk. What a feeble attempt at hiding the sudden rosiness of my honey-kissed cheeks!

"It feels as if everything changed. Everything that matters. Don't you wish that we could go back?"

"Back to what exactly?"

"Us" I replied whilst feeling a lump in my throat.

"How does one go back to something that still is?" He smiled whilst still holding on to my hand.

I looked at how perfectly our hands fit together. It is as if his hands and mine were made to hold each other's for the rest of our lives. For the rest of his life.

I gazed across the endless shades of blue and basked in the moment of forever.

"I don't want this to end. I'm scared."

"What are you afraid of?"

"Losing this, us. I feel as if we've lost so much already."

A tear escaped my eye as I think back to what we've endured and how painful it was to pack up my life and leave.
Hermanus was good. I needed the time to reflect on life. Whilst being there I reconnected with my roots, read up on Abraham Hicks, sought self-love and continuously told myself that I am ready to let go of him. What a blatant lie.

"Was it fun?" I asked as I faced him.

"What exactly are you referring to?"

"Us. Did we fulfil the initial intention of our agreement?"

"Yes, it was fun, but I think you and I both know that we had way more than just 'fun'. I think we fulfilled what our hearts needed and what our minds wanted simply didn't matter anymore."

I watched him as he stared across the ocean. The gentle breeze swaying his beautiful dark brown dreadlocks back and forth. His hair resembled the perfect picture of the first day we met. He seems more mature and wiser now. It is as if life has given him a dose of goodness and he just indulged.

I stifled a laugh as a memory popped into my head.

Oh no! Are you sharing inside jokes with your alter ego?", he playfully stated exaggeratedly.

I tilted my chin towards him and narrowed my eyes dramatically. "If we ever have a baby he or she will look like you."
I stared at our hands as the silence embraced us.

"I laughed and asked you, "Why would you assume that our baby will look like me?'" I noticed just how his eyes suddenly lit up at the thought of that day. He remembers...

"Simply because you have established features." I smiled as we reminisced.

He erupted in laughter, "What does "established features" mean?"

"Your bloodline seems strong. That is all.", I barely whispered as I felt him pulling me closer to him.

Truth is I loved how masculine his features are. I could watch him sleep at night and never got bored of looking at his face. That face. I would gently caress his jawline with my fingertips, play with the little stubble under his lower lip and then slowly kiss him.

As I rested my head on his chest I was overcome with acute nostalgia at the sound of his heartbeat. This was my favourite melody and it could rock me to bed fairly easily, as could he... A memory suddenly popped into my head but before I could share he reached in and kissed me. I could taste the sweetness on his tongue and felt the softness of his full lips as he pulled me tighter. For the very first time in months I could feel my heart and mind singing the perfect tune. A melody as perfect as his heartbeat, as soft as a rose.

A melody as beautiful as our daughter.

I pulled away at the thought of her.

"Please don't leave again." I said as tears streamed down my cheeks. I've never cried this much since that day. I started sobbing uncontrollably.

He held me tighter, lifted my chin and whispered: "I never left."

"We are happy, Ash.", he whispered against my forehead as he kissed me and wiped my tears. I knew exactly who he was referring to.

"Look at me. Let me see those beautiful eyes."

I laughed through the tears and gazed up at him whilst still holding on to him.

"She has your eyes, you know." He smiled proudly.

Tears flooded my eyes as I envisioned our daughter.

"How did we get here, O'Dean?"