Negative One

The spaceship was just big enough for me and the driver instructor to squeeze into. It was really only meant to hold one occupant so our sides brushed against each other uncomfortably. Well, uncomfortably for me. Instructor Meeroc didn't seem to care that his flabby green side was blocking the stick shift. I frowned, wondering how, with only three arms, I was expected to steer, change gears, activate the transporter beam, and heft Meeroc's bulk off the controls.

"Negative one point," Meeroc grunted when I accidentally flipped on the ship's windshield wipers. I knew better than to argue. Rumor had it that the last guy who gave an instructor lip had been disintegrated by a laser gun. I eyed the silver weapon holstered near Meeroc's bumpy shoulder and jerked my eyes back to the navigational display before I was marked down another point. From the corner of my eye I could see Meeroc pucker his massive blue lips as he scribbled on an old fashioned sheet of paper.

"That's pretty old-school." I grinned, attempting to lighten the mood. "I thought paper had gone extinct ages ago."

Meeroc sniffed. "Negative one point. No idle chit-chat while driving."

I pressed the red 'start' button and the ship's engine roared to life.

"Negative one point. You're supposed to use your left hand to activate the engines."

"But..." I gulped, "The button's on my right side..."

"Negative one point for arguing."

I shut my mouth and concentrated on the next step. With a few taps of my fingers, I programmed in the coordinates for our flight: Earth. I had never been to the planet before, but the guys who'd taken the driver's test before me said the place was a blast. Lots of corn fields to draw designs in and cows to suck up in the transporter beams. The only downside was the water. I had been warned multiple times by both my friends and the Instructors to stay away from the rolling oceans and myriads of lakes that made up a good majority of that world.

"Initiating take off," I mumbled, sticking to the business at hand.

"Negative one point for mumbling," Meeroc said, scribbling with his lead filled pencil.

The spaceship floated up a few inches from the landing dock. I waited as Control opened the mothership's airlocks before gently sending the ship forward with a couple of taps to my display. The ship wiggled and wobbled out into the darkness of space. I expected Meeroc to give me another negative point but he only chewed on the yellow pencil with his slobbery lips and stared into the distance.

We'd only gone one light year when Meeroc shook his head. "Negative one point."

I waited for the reason and when Meeroc didn't elaborate, I turned my third eye his direction, making sure to keep the other two eyes fixed on my task.

"What for?" I grumbled.

"Music."

"But I haven't touched the radio—"

"Exactly!" Meeroc snorted, "You can never be a good driver unless you're pumping out the tunes."

I groaned. For all my studying I had forgotten that important rule. It was right up there with "start the engine". I could feel my face burning purple with embarrassment as I reached out and flicked on the radio. Meeroc grinned and his head started bobbing with the music. I hoped the noise would put him in a good mood.

"Entering Earth's atmosphere," the computer announced.

"Negative one point," Meeroc sighed. "If you don't activate the shielding device..."

The display beeped and three blips showed up on-screen.

"...then the Earthlings get a little touchy and try to shoot us from the sky."

The blips started firing out what looked like tiny red markers on the display but what felt like massive blows to the ship.

"Evasive action!" I screamed.

Meeroc rolled his three eyes and flipped a yellow switch, engaging autopilot. Within seconds we'd left the murderous planes behind us and had shot back into space. As the stars whizzed by I hung my head in shame. What was I going to tell the guys when we got back to planet Blarg? I hadn't even gotten close enough to see the famous "deadly water" and I'd lost my chance to abduct an Earthling.

The ship zoomed back into the landing dock and settled on the cold steel floor with a crunching grind that jolted my teeth. Meeroc's bulk poured out of the passenger side door and oozed next to the driver's side. I patted the ship sadly as he handed over the antiquated paper with a giant "F" scratched over the entire sheet.

Meeroc shrugged. "Tryouts are in another sixteen years," He started to slither away before pausing and turning back to me. "By the way, Happy Birthday."

I crumpled the paper into a ball and stomped toward the lobby. "Thanks a lot...dad."