Let's Play Catch

"Julie are you okay? Wait, why are you all wet?"

"My.... water.... broke.... I'm having this baby nowww!"

"That's great! Where's Matt?"

"Working. Baby's early. Oh! Oh! You're going to have to.... hehehehehe.... help me deliver this baby."

"Wait. What? Uh, what? I'm not qualified to deliver a baby. I don't even have a wife. I'm not your guy."

"There's no one else. Oh my god. I called Matt and he...he...he is calling 911."

"Oh good. We'll just wait then."

"Nooooooo. The baby's coming now!"

"No. No. Not now! Make it stop! Why are you sitting down on the grass? No, wait! Wait! Oh god, oh god. I'll be back."

"Jameson, where are you going? Please don't leave."

"I'll be right back. Promise."

"Jameson! The baby's coming now!"

"I got you, Julie. Everything's going to be okay. Don't cry. This is going to be great."

"My husband is not here. I'm having a baby on my front lawn and my body feels like it's being ripped apart, and I don't know if you're going to run off again. How in the hell is this great, you asshole?"

"I know I'm not Matt. I'm sorry. Believe me I'd much rather he be here. This was not my idea of how I wanted to bring in the New Year either, but here we are. I went and got some clean shop rags. It's the closest thing I've got to sheets or towels. Isn't that what you're supposed to do, have clean towels or sheets? There's no time to boil water, although I'm not sure why they do that in the movies. It's not like they put the baby in it, right?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"I've never done this before, you know!"

"I know. I'm sorry. Thanks for being here. Where's the damn ambulance!"

"I don't know but I hope they get here soon too!"

"Do you see the baby's head?"

"What? The baby's head! I'm not looking down there. How could I ever look Matt in the face again, or you?"

"Jameson, please. You're going to need to catch the baby as she comes out."

"Are you serious?!?!?! Okay. I'll be right back, promise."

"Jameson please don't leave. I need you right now. Awwwww."

"I'm here. I got my catcher's mitt so I'm ready. Okay. I'm gonna look. I'm sorry."

"Jamison it doesn't matter. Can you see the head?"

"Oh my god. I can! There it is. How the hell does that come out of...? Oh, I'm feeling a little woozy!"

"Don't you faint on me Jamison. I'm doing the hard work here. Just make sure she's okay and support her as she comes out."

"I hear the ambulance. Oh, thank god!"

"Ohhhhhhhh!"

"Oh mother of Jesus she's squirting out. I'll never be able to use this mitt again."

"She okay?"

"I'm wiping her down. She's trying to cry."

"Lay her on my chest."

"Good idea!"

"Jamison? Jamison? Well at least you waited til she was born to faint."