A Danger to Society

It all began when scientists discovered the softest fabric yet known to man. This fabric beat out microfleece, faux fur, sherpa, brushed flannel, cashmere and mink. Test subjects would pass up holding newborn puppies and the softest down chicks for the chance to touch this fabric. Soon investors trademarked the cuddly material as super snuggly nuzzle fabric. Snuzzle for short.

Snuzzle was made into sweaters, blankets and pajamas and when it hit the market all hell broke loose. People wore Snuzzle sweaters to the mall and other shoppers would walk right up to them oohing and ahhing while petting the Snuzzle-wearers arms. Others would flat-out rub their cheeks against the Snuzzle-wearers shoulders. And the Snuzzle-wearers, understanding the helpless pull of the fabric, would let them.

This was so profoundly annoying to other mall shoppers that people stopped going to the mall and this devastated economic activity.

Consumers would pet their sweaters with both hands while driving, causing major accidents.

Before long the government stepped in and deemed the fabric a danger to society. They tracked down and confiscated every Snuzzle product ever sold. Rumors swirled that top secret government scientists had created a weapons-grade Snuzzle material.

It remained just a rumor until Wikileaks released a flood of documents. These documents showed that the government had indeed weaponized Snuzzle. It also released a top secret video showing parachutes dropping massive amounts of weapons-grade Snuzzle sweaters and blankets to bewildered North Korean soldiers. Soon they were putting them on and helplessly nuzzling each other.

One bombshell Wikileaks document showed plans to recruit Dennis Rodham to gift his unsuspecting bestie, Kim Jon Un with a Snuzzle blanket. As negotiation attempts and assassination attempts had all failed, it was hoped this would save humanity and turn the brutal dictator into a helpless nuzzling fool for the rest of his days.

But because idiot Wikileaks released classified documents, this could not be carried out. And humanity probably can’t be saved.

The only thing more dangerous than Snuzzle is posting something as stupid as this. And yet…here ya go.