On the Road Again

On The Road Again




Noah Tuomi

Morning Coffee
“A foraging wild creature, intent above all upon survival, is as strong as the grass.”
- Richard Adams, Watership Down

Daniel woke in his car at a trailhead in Colorado. The sun had risen just enough to send a thin beam of light through his window, but remained too shy to peak out from behind the snowcapped mountains. It was breezy and the leaves of the surrounding trees shushed him into waking. He shifted as he woke and felt his shirt sticking to his back. His sleeping bag was yet again soaked with sweat caused by the dreams that swam among his disjointed periods of sleep. Only slightly uncomfortable, he lay there for a while staring up at the ceiling until a bird that he couldn’t name began to sing him a gentle song of encouragement that compelled him to throw his wet sleeping bag off his body and rub his eyes. The morning birds may have been the only reason he got up in the mornings, aside from maybe the calling of his unhealthy coffee addiction.
He rolled over, popped the trunk of his Jeep Cherokee, and climbed out before setting some water to boil on his small camping stove. Hobbes, his furry, 90 pound companion jumped out and sniffed the ground, frantically following the scent of some small animal before circling and urinating on a nearby spruce. He started the car and slid Nick Drake’s Pink Moon into the CD player and hit play, allowing his mellow voice to weave its way through the surrounding trees as he brewed his coffee. He sat on the back bumper and drank the first cup of many and waited for the sun to fully reveal itself.
The dreams had been worse that night. They were always painful, but they had been stronger. More tangible. The dreams healed and haunted him each time he closed his eyes. He didn’t know whether to dread or welcome them, but either way they were consistent in visiting him every night.
He would relive the time, not so long ago, when he and five friends piled into a car and drove across the country, soon after graduating high school. He remembered the games of road trip bingo and eye spy that they had played along the way and the dancing around the campfire during the nights they spent at campsites. The dreams would often include the period of exhaustion they all had felt that led Sarah to fall asleep with her head on his shoulder. Then would follow the eight sleepless hours he spent not moving so he wouldn’t wake her. He would experience again the morning when her eyes opened gingerly with the newly risen sun and the feeling of her lips pressed against his. He would feel the chill of the night air as they lay together during each clear night, stargazing until they fell asleep together on the roof of the car. These were the dreams that Daniel had to look forward to. But they were always short lived.
Deep in the night he relived the same event. The deer standing frozen in the road, illuminated by the headlights of his car and the feeling of his hands jerking the steering wheel to the side to avoid it. The all too familiar crunching of metal as the car rolled sideways off the road and into the trees. The paralyzing moan of his wife gasping for air and turning to see the image that would haunt him for the rest of his life. The tree branch that stuck protruding from her chest, blackened with blood shimmering in the dim lamplight as it seeped from the aperture within her rib cage. The dream carried him through the passing moments as he dragged her sputtering body from her seat and onto the grass beside the road. It was too real for him, but he could never wake.
He would feel her in his arms as the sirens wailed in the distance and he would tell her he was sorry before the gasping slowed and finally ceased, leaving her limp body in his blood soaked arms. The dream lasted just long enough for the ambulance to arrive too late. This was the dream that he dreaded each time he fell asleep. It was the reason he would wake many times in the night drenched in sweat. It was why he was on the road again, accompanied by no one but his dog and his memories.

Hobbes eventually curled up next to him in the back of the car and placed his chin on his leg. He gave him a bowl of kibble and spoiled him with pieces of beef jerky he had mixed in.
They sat in the back listening to the music for an hour or so. He didn’t make breakfast, for there was a diner just up the road and he planned on making his way there for a real meal. He had been eating granola bars, oatmeal, and ramen for days now and he was looking forward to a small sliver of variety. Not that he was complaining, though. He chose this.
Three cups of coffee later, he packed up the car and set out. Hobbes sat comfortably on a blanket in the passenger seat and chewed on a bone.
It was a beat up car with a few dents here and there along the sides, some peeling paint, and untreated rusty areas across the lower rims, but the wheels turned. That was all he needed. A dream catcher and a photo of Sarah dangled from the rear view mirror, swaying with the contour of the road. His phone was charging from the port beneath the radio and was vacant of any new calls or messages, but that could merely be from the lack of service up in the mountains. It was either that or his family had finally refrained from their fruitless attempts to bring him home. He figured they were worried he was going to kill himself or something. Frankly, he hadn’t completely removed the idea from his head yet.
The car’s clock was eight minutes slow and the temperature monitor was stuck flickering between 45 and 46 degrees. His phone told him it was 58. The back seat was piled with blankets, ropes, lanterns, an assortment of tools, backpacks, and a million other means of survival for the avid camper. It was filled to the top, but had an opening where he could just barely see out the back window.
The sun hung high in the sky, far above the mountainous horizon by the time he had made it to the diner. Apparently it had been further away than he had thought and it took him well over an hour to get there. He parked in the surprisingly busy lot and cracked a window for the dog. It was relatively warm out so he felt safe leaving him in the car for a short while.
He ordered two eggs; over medium, hash browns, and a big stack of french toast along with more coffee. The waitress who served him was attractive, maybe only a few years older than he was. Though the essence of her beauty was there, her face was worn with lines beside her eyes and along her mouth, no doubt from the long days of work she had endured over the course of her life.
The meal was the best thing Daniel had eaten in a long time and it filled him to the brink of bursting, making it worth the ten bucks and sizeable tip. He ate quickly so he didn’t leave Hobbes in the car for too long. On the way out an incoming customer stopped him at the door. He was a big, burly man with a thick brown beard, the kind that was hard to resist stroking gruffly when in thought. He wore a heavy red flannel over a hooded sweatshirt and a black beanie along with dark and obviously experienced Timberland boots. He must have been at least six foot three and looked similar to what Daniel imagined Paul Bunyan resembled.
“That your dog in the Jeep over there?” he asked, gesturing to Daniel’s car.
“Uh, yeah it is” he replied, not knowing where the conversation was going.
“Oh, well he’s a friendly feller that one. Neat color on ‘em.” The large man smiled a genuine smile, dissipating the tension between them instantly.
“Oh!” Daniel chuckled. “Yes, he’s a great dog.”
“He got a name?”
“Hobbes.”
“Heh, Hobbes. Good name. I’ve got two of my own down at the house. Perfect for keeping company.”
The small talk lasted a short while, but it was more than just that for Daniel. He hadn’t given so much as a hello to someone not working at a restaurant or convenience store in nearly a week and he had gone much longer than that in the past.
He wasn’t the most social of people and rarely was the one to provoke a conversation. In high school he had his group of friends that he would spend time with on the weekends, but he never strayed outside their circle voluntarily. Occasionally he would be introduced to someone new and they would hang out for the day. The first time he met someone would usually be the last since most didn’t enjoy the patterns of awkward silences that occurred when conversing with him. Luckily he had found friends who could accept it and soon even grow accustomed to his quietness.
The two men ended on a laugh and Daniel told him to enjoy his breakfast and that the hash browns were top notch. They shook hands and he returned to his car where Hobbes was jumping up on the window with his tongue lolling uncontrollably out of the side of his mouth. The man’s name was Jessie. And Daniel didn’t see him again after that.

Change
“I read somewhere how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong… but to feel strong.”
-Jon Krakauer, Into The Wild

“Daniel, throw that rope over here. No not that one. Left a bit, yup that one. Just toss it over.”
Daniel tossed the rope over the tent to Luke who grabbed it and tied it to a nearby tree branch. It would be raining soon and they had just barely made it to the campsite in time. They had been rushing to get the tent up for almost five minutes before the drops began to fall. Quickly cramming all of their belongings inside they climbed in before any of their gear could get too wet. They were only half shielded by the trees around them and had a cloud filled, yet still breathtaking view of the plains of Yellowstone National Park. Within minutes it was raining hard making hundreds of loud smacks on the taut tent with each passing second. It was loud, but still peaceful in a way. Some noises can be more peaceful than silence and rain is possibly the most. They ate a few granola bars and had a few beers before hunkering down and listening to the sounds of the oncoming storm.

Daniel woke to the sound of rain pattering on his windshield. He was smiling and felt comfortably warm and safe within the confines of his sleeping bag. Hobbes had snuggled up close to him and was snoring softly, his ribs rising and falling with each long breath. His phone read 1:24. He had been asleep for over 4 hours. Nearly a record for him. He knew he would fall asleep again shortly, for it wasn’t the falling part that was hard. It was staying asleep that was impossible, so he just lay there for a short while, the images of his dream still clear in his semi-conscious mind.
It was bliss. The moments after his dreams where his past felt much closer than it was. He would feel much further from it in the morning, or possibly just forget the dream entirely. He knew this from experience. He soon let himself slowly fall back to sleep.

She looked up at him for a long time. The branch lay in the grass next to the car, still dripping with her blood. She seemed like she wanted to say something but couldn’t. Daniel soon realized he was apologizing hysterically, but he couldn’t hear himself either. He tried to say he loved her, but nothing came out.

He was drenched when he woke up. He got up and slipped out of his sleeping bag and then his clothes. It was dark but he knew it was early morning so he began to make some coffee. The rain had stopped but it was still overcast and the air felt clean and crisp. A dense fog had enveloped the place making it difficult to see fifteen feet ahead. Soon Hobbes was up and running around in the gravel parking area in search of the perfect tree to lay claim to. There were a few other campers in the general vicinity, but it was just past four in the morning so they wouldn’t be up for a long while.
As his coffee brewed, Daniel opened the doors to the supply filled back seats of his car and reached under the seat and fiddled around blindly until he felt the familiar lid of a small container. He pulled it out and popped it open, grabbing a well rolled joint from its contents. He lit up and drank his coffee as he waited for the sun to come up and thought long and hard about what had happened in his dream that night. He had never changed the tiniest bit of the ordeal. It had always been replayed the exact same way it had happened months ago. But for some reason he had a hint of control by the end of it and he had told her he loved her. Something he had always regretted forgetting to do.
His thoughts soon became clouded and after a short while the weed had gone to his head and it all felt right. He decided to stop dwelling on the dream and to play with his dog for a while. He whistled and in seconds his friend was flying out from within the misty trees towards him. He held a tennis ball behind his back and once Hobbes had gotten close enough he pulled it out quickly so he could see it, causing him to stop in his tracks and skid a little on the gravel. His eyes grew wide when he realized it was play time. Daniel faked to the right and then threw it to the left. Hobbes was bounding after it with his legs moving so fast that it took a second for his feet to regain traction on the ground.
In this moment, Daniel enjoyed being. He was okay with everything and all he wanted to do was play fetch with his dog in the dark haze of the early morning.

Northern Sky. Nick Drake again. It was their song.
They were lying on the top of the car again, this time in Oregon. The others were long asleep, yet somehow, he and Sarah couldn’t quite get there. The sky seemed as though it had never been so clear, with the stars filling the sky and the deep purple light of milky way streaking across it. She wore his coat for she had left hers at a gas station back in Nevada. He was cold in his t-shirt, but he didn’t care. They would fall asleep on the top of the car together and wake up freezing in the middle of the night. He had had the dream many times before. It was the one he looked most forward to. His fondest memory.

A Short Hike
“I took a walk in the woods and came out taller than the trees.”
-Henry David Thoreau, A Walk In the Woods

“Daniel?” Sarah asked. It was morning and she was lying next to him beneath their white bed sheets made golden with the early light.
“Yes?”
“Daniel?”
“Yes, what is it?”
“Daniel.”
“What?”
“Daniel, wake up.”
“I’m awake, I’m awake.”
“Daniel I need you to wake up. NOW.”

Hobbes was scratching at the window and whining hysterically at something.
“Fuck.” Daniel sat up and looked in the direction his dog was pointed.
A coyote was outside, walking among the RV’s. Daniel raised his eyebrows. It wasn’t a rare sight to see one, but it had been a while. It was ragged, with its fur tangled in places and missing in others. It was small. Smaller than Hobbes for sure, but it didn’t seem at all worried about him, eying him curiously from outside. Hobbes was getting more anxious by the second and luckily the sound of a door opening startled the coyote and it scampered off into the wall of tall grass behind his car.
The dog sat at attention with his ears back for a few minutes and Daniel popped the trunk to begin making his coffee. It was cloudy again in Northern Utah. It was strange to have three days straight without sun, but in a way he liked it. Sometimes a nice break from sunlight is needed as much as a break from a harsh winter.
Daniel decided the nearby parks probably wouldn’t be very crowded because of the weather. He gave it some thought and concluded that a nice hike and camp out would be good exercise for both he and the dog.
They ate their breakfast and then drove to a nearby trailhead. It took him a few hours to make sure he had everything he needed. He filled his bag with snacks, water, a sleeping bag, tent, and a multitude of other tools and precautions. All that, yet he wasn’t bringing his phone. He figured if he was dying out in the woods, no one would get to him soon enough anyways. Remarkably, that didn’t seem to bother him.
Soon they headed out. Daniel locked the car and turned towards the trail. Hobbes had a little backpack with water and food for him inside and Daniel had 20 pounds of gear in his so it was a light trip. The skies were gray when they started, but as the day wore on, the clouds began to part. They had begun in the early afternoon, so by the time he had made it to the campsite it was well past dusk, but the skies were completely clear. The moon gave off more than enough light for them to navigate and the sheer number of stars that hung in the sky was helping as well. He could see the milky way streaking across the sky in blues and purples and white.
The campsite was an indent in the side of the mountain with a canopy of trees hanging above. He had the tent set up quickly and boiled up some water for the usual ramen dinner. Daniel had learned that while the quality of the food is what most seem to think makes a good dinner, where the food is eaten does just as well if not better in making a perfect meal. While some were eating a 40-dollar pasta dish in an Italian restaurant somewhere that took four months to get a reservation, he was having a mug of ramen and a cup of coffee while looking out over the moonlit canyon below him just because he could. And he was exactly where he wanted to be in that moment. The only thing missing was the people he wanted to be with.
Hobbes ate his dinner and curled up on his sleeping bag as usual and soon was breathing softly. Daniel was propped comfortably up on his backpack and was watching as the stars ever so slowly moved across his vision. He was up quite late, into the early morning hours, but he eventually fell into a deep sleep. The deepest sleep he had had in many years.

A Reunion
“‘I wonder what piglet is doing,’ thought Pooh.
‘I wish I were there to be doing it, too’”
-Winnie-the-Pooh

“Hey guys I found him!”
Feet were thumping on the dirt outside his tent. A stick cracked. Daniel perked up as the zipper to his tent was fiddled with and eventually unfastened. The entrance was peeled back and there stood James hunched over with a wide grin spread across his face.
“Hey there buddy. You thought you could go on a hike without us huh? To be completely honest I’m a little hurt.” James clutched his heart and looked solemn. “Well, lucky for you I’m a pardonable guy. Come on. Let’s get you out. Up and at ‘em!”
James climbed in and practically dragged Daniel out and into the light. There was a fire going and bacon was sizzling on a cast iron pan. Sat around the campfire was everyone. Well, almost everyone. Luke, Randy, Olivia, Shane, and Jack all turned and smiled together, all enlightened to see him. Daniel turned to James.
“How- How did you guys find me? I haven't contacted anyone in…” He couldn’t actually remember how long it had been.
“Hush now bud. How isn’t a question that needs answering. Ever. The question here is when. When is this do you think?”
Somehow Daniel knew the answer. “Well this is where I went to sleep last night. I’d have to say it’s right about now?” This he phrased as a question.
“Correct! See I told you guys he would get it!”
Everyone around the campfire laughed. Shane flipped the bacon over and sniffed longingly over the pan.
“I think she’s almost ready folks!” he said. “Who's ready for breakfast?”
Luke’s hand went up. “Hell yeah! This is some fresh bacon my man. Killed the thing just yesterday. Oh, don’t worry Danny, it was free range.”
What in the hell? he thought.
James lead Daniel to the fire and sat him next to Shane who clapped him on the back as he slid a few pieces of bacon onto a plate and handed it to him. He then served everyone else.
“Hey, where'd Sarah go? Wasn’t she just here?” James asked, looking around.
“Oh she had to use it” Olivia said just before stuffing her face with her whole plate of bacon at once. Daniel looked up at this.
Sarah is here?
“That’s one of the hottest things I’ve seen all week” Luke said, watching as she chewed the enormous mouthful. She turned and punched him hard in the shoulder.
Shane laughed and seemed like he was about to say something when a stick cracked from the trees behind Jack. Everyone turned and Daniel followed their gaze.
From within the trees a hand reached out and parted the branches and out stepped Sarah. Daniel’s eyes grew wide and he dropped his plate of bacon onto the ground.
“Oh you fuck! That’s the good shit!” Luke said. He jumped onto the ground and began to pick up the pieces of bacon and rub them off on his shirt. “Their still good right?” he asked hopefully.
Sarah made eye contact with Daniel and strolled around the fire towards him, her long, jet black hair flowing weightlessly behind her. She sat on the open part of the log next to him and hugged his arm and leaned her head onto his shoulder. He could feel that she was holding onto his arm very tightly. Daniel could smell her hair. He could feel her soft fingers moving along his hand in search for the spaces between his. He couldn’t tell what was happening. How is this happening now? He didn’t care. He brushed everything he knew and everything he thought was true aside. Right now was right and that was what mattered.
Everyone was sitting around the campfire, together again as they laughed and told stories of the stupid things they did in high school. The craziest parties. The freezing campouts. The week they spent in a winter cabin in Maine. They shared everything for days on end. Though the sun was rising it hadn’t risen past the golden point of early morning, for that was Daniel’s favorite time. Occasionally he and Sarah would lean in for a kiss and the world would go away for a few moments before they pulled away and rejoined the conversation.
He had forgotten how they all looked. They seemed older now. Probably because they were. But they all were the same. Shane’s bodybuilder form and his military style buzz cut. He was usually upbeat but when you spoke poorly of the States or anything of the sort he could be turned the other way quickly. Olivia’s short blonde hair and love of all things food. And Luke. He always talked to Daniel about his love for her when they hung out together. He found her unladylike traits to be erotic in some weird way. I wonder if they got married yet? He was always the life of the party. He was that kid that would jump into the pool from the roof fully clothed and with his phone still in his pocket. Jack, who sat next to him, was quiet, but in the good way. You could tell he was listening in on everything but he rarely joined in unless asked a question. His curly brown hair always had the faint bleached tips from the long days he spent working in the sun. He was a farm kid and probably still worked his dad’s ranch. Then there was James. Always the unifier. No one could find anything bad to say about him. He brought people together and gave advice that made more sense than anything else. Fights would break out between them at times and every time he could get them to end on a hug that turned into a friendly wrestling match. Daniel guessed he had become a politician of some kind.
Finally, Sarah. Somehow she was here, with him right now. Her silky black hair flowed down to the small of her back. Looking at her Daniel realized that she was wearing his fenway shirt. It was baggy on her. An extra large on her short build. She wore tight light blue jeans with natural tears in places. She never bought them pre ripped. She wore their wedding ring and the bracelet he had gotten her as an anniversary present. Looking down he was relieved to see that his ring was still on his hand.

“Well, it’s been fun kids” said James after a very long while. “But I think it’s about time to head off to bed. It’s already dark.”
Daniel looked out and was surprised to see that it was indeed night again even though it had been morning for so long.
“Yeah I agree” Luke nodded and glanced in Olivia’s direction.
Everyone but Sarah and Daniel began packing up.
“Wait, wait. Why stop now guys? We were having such a great time?” Daniel didn’t want them to go. He was having too much fun for it to end.
“All good things must end Danny” James said. “Luckily that means another must begin.”
With that they were all gone and suddenly they were on the roof of Daniel’s car. Just he and Sarah. He gave her his jacket and she snuggled up to him and looked up at the sky. They stayed like this for a long time. The silence was eventually broken when Sarah turned to him and spoke.
“You feel guilty. I know” she said.
“About wha-.”
Oh my god. How did I forget. I killed her. He thought. This is a dream then. A goddamn dream.
“So what if it’s a dream Daniel? I’m here aren’t I? Do I not feel real to you?”
“You feel more real than you have in a long time” he said.
“Then why does it matter if this is a dream or not?”
“I guess it doesn’t.”
“You know you are dreaming yet you aren’t waking. How are you doing that?”
“I’m not actually sure.” Daniel now feared that he may wake soon. “I’ve never had control over a dream. They have all been memories. This? This is new. This is no memory.”
“Yes. This is new. This could have been us if it wasn’t for… the accident. Many things can happen in dreams Daniel. You can live memories or create new ones. You can fly or be stuck firmly on the ground. In your dreams you can change history and believe that it is changed.”
Daniel was confused, but he didn’t speak.
“You need to help yourself Daniel. You can change what happened to me so that this moment can be a memory along with many more after this.”
Suddenly a tree fell ten feet away from the car.
“What the-” Daniel was cut off by three more trees falling.
“We don’t have much time. Daniel you need to-”
Trees were falling every second now, all around them. The dream was collapsing and Daniel knew it. He could barely hear Sarah.
“Change what happened Daniel. If you change it you can move on.”
The trees caved in around them and she was gone.
And Daniel woke up.

A Mission
“The clearest way into the universe
is through a forest wilderness.”
-John Muir

He unzipped the tent opening and stepped outside into the sunlight. Hobbes followed closely behind. Daniel checked his phone and saw that it was 7:56. He had slept for nearly 7 hours without interruption and felt as well rested as ever. The events that had taken place in his dreams were still fresh in his mind as he made his coffee. He sprinkled chunks of bacon into the dog’s kibble and ate the rest slowly. He figured they should head back shortly to make it to a motel in time.
Once they had finished eating Daniel packed up the tent and they began the trek back to the trailhead. He thought about the dream along the way. It had been vivid beyond that of any other. He even thought that perhaps it could have been more than a dream. Maybe Sarah had really talked to him. No. That’s getting dangerously close to some kind of schizophrenia. But he sure would like to believe it.
A single detour was made on the way to the motel. He stopped at a pharmacy and picked up some sleeping pills and a bag of sour patch watermelon. He had always liked the watermelon best.
He arrived at the motel just after sundown. Hobbes wandered around the room while Daniel showered and by the time he was finished Hobbes had since fallen asleep on the bed. He made sure everything was packed and ready to leave first thing in the morning before climbing under the covers. After getting comfortable he noticed that Hobbes was breathing strangely. There was a long pause between breathing cycles followed by a gravelly hiss as he breathed out. Daniel hadn’t noticed it before, but he hoped it was nothing problematic.
He then reached to the bedside table and grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills he had picked up at the store. In the past he had tried them many times, but they had always made the dreams much, much worse so he had left them alone for a while. But now he figured he could use them. He had to fix his dream and he needed to stay asleep to do so.
“So these dreams, Daniel” doctor Boss began. “You say you have the same ones almost every night?”
“Yes” Daniel said. “But they aren’t dreams. They are memories, you know, of the accident.” He seemed to wince just bringing it up.
“Just the accident?”
“No, no. Some are good, like from college and high school. Campouts, road trips, stuff like that. Those don’t come up as much though. I always have the one of the accident.”
“Hmm. And what do you think is causing this dream? Is it guilt? Anger? Maybe sorrow?”
“Guilt.” Daniel answered very quickly. “It’s guilt.”
The doctor scribbled something down on his clipboard. “Is there anything strange or different about the dream? Does anything happen in your dream that didn’t in the accident?”
“No. It’s exactly the same.”
“Every time?”
“Every time.”
“Every night?”
“Every single night.”
The doctor sat back in his chair and stroked his chin as he looked at Daniel’s file. He seemed puzzled. After a few long moments he spoke.
“I can honestly say I have never seen anything like this in my career. The consistency of the dream is strange.” He thought for a few moments longer. “I believe it could be unhealthy as well. Often after a traumatic experience, especially after what you had to deal with, people dwell too much on the experience. I’m am noticing heavy signs of depression as well as other things that could be dangerous to your mental health. Have you found any healthy ways of distracting yourself? Spending time with friends?”
“Not with friends no” Daniel responded. “I hike a lot. Camp and stuff like that. I haven’t talked to anyone in a long time.”
“What about your family?”
Daniel shook his head.
“Not since the accident?”
“Since shortly afterwards yes.”
The doctor clicked his pen slowly and the concerned expression he wore deepend. After a moment he stood.
“I am going to prescribe you with something to help with your interrupted sleep as well as depression. If sleep doesn’t get easier I would recommend trying sleeping pills again. I want to see you back here in two weeks to check in. I believe you can get better. You just need to find ways to distract yourself healthily. While hiking is a great way to destress, it is a very solitary sport. Maybe try to reconnect with your friends and family and bring them along. I know they would like that very much and you would benefit from some social interactions.”
Daniel left with a new prescription and an unchanged mindset. His car was packed and ready to leave for good. He secretly had hoped Dr. Boss could persuade him to stay, but there seemed little anyone could do to change his mind. He would be on the road the next morning.

“Where is that dog?” he thought. Daniel hadn’t seen him in some time. He called out his name a few times and walked around the house. His mother was asleep upstairs otherwise he would have checked with her. It was soon apparent that he wasn’t in the house so Daniel moved to the fenced in backyard. There was little luck there either. He paused for a moment surveying the yard carefully before turning back towards the door. His hand held the handle for a moment before he heard a sharp yelp and the screeching of tires from the road out front. He had jumped the fence in seconds and ran out into the street where he found him lying in the road. His head had been crushed all the way down to the chest and his brain had been pushed out the top of his head. His leg twitched ever so slightly.
The driver stepped out of the car, a man with no identifiable features. All he knew was that he was a man and that he was going to die. Daniel marched up to the man with no expression and hit him in the face. The man fell to the pavement beside the dog and Daniel was on top of him. He hit his face harder and harder with each punch, pummeling his head as far into the black earth as he could.
Soon there was little left of the man’s head and Daniel stood. He picked up Hobbes and carried him to the back yard.

Daniel awoke stuck to soaked sheets. It wasn’t just sweat. He had pissed himself. Hobbes was staring at him from the foot of his bed. He patted him on the head lightly and rolled out of bed. He stripped down and showered before packing his things. He would need to go to the laundromat today. He pulled the sheets off the bed and piled them in the corner so at least they would know they needed washing.
He smoked a joint in the car before leaving. He did his best to forget the dreams from last night, but whenever he looked at Hobbes in the passenger seat it brought the image of his crumpled dog in the street back into his mind.
The laundromat was close to empty when he arrived. He figured the few people there wouldn’t mind if he brought in his dog so he tied his leash to a chair and loaded in his piss soaked clothes.

What is Left
“Real loss is only possible when you love something
more than you love yourself.”
-Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting

He smoked a joint in the car before leaving. He did his best to forget the dreams from last night, but whenever he looked at Hobbes in the passenger seat it brought the image of his crumpled dog in the street back into his mind.
The laundromat was close to empty when he arrived. He figured the few people there wouldn’t mind if he brought in his dog so he tied his leash to a chair and loaded his urine soaked clothes. Only after did he notice the woman across the room reading a book. She had long, silky black hair that fell far past her shoulders. He couldn’t help himself from staring, but he couldn’t make out her facial features. Suddenly she looked up and saw him staring at her and he quickly made himself look busy. He sat next to Hobbes and picked up a magazine and began flipping through the pages.
He pat Hobbes on the head and waited for the wash to end. The woman eventually sat down on the far side of the laundromat and began reading a book. Eventually Daniel couldn’t help but risk another look so he raised his head and found her staring right back at him. Upon eye contact she smiled and he smiled back awkwardly before going back to his magazine where he was flipping aimlessly through without reading a word. He changed the wash shortly after and for some reason decided to go outside for a cigarette. He hadn’t had one in at least a week, but he needed something to do. Hobbes watched intently as he stepped outside. He had been outside for a minute when the black-haired woman opened the door and moved towards him.
“Tough habit to break huh?” she said as she took out a pack of her own.
“Yeah” was all he could muster without looking up.
He could feel her gaze on him as she lit up, but he pretended not to notice. His cigarette was almost finished when she spoke again.
“My name’s Rachel” she said, reaching out her free hand.
He shook it.
“Daniel.”
“You live around here?”
“No…” He took a final puff. “I’m from Massachusetts.”
She raised her eyebrows and leaned against the side of the building.
“Long drive. Why you come out here?”
“I’m road tripping it to my family in Oregon” he lied.
“From Massachusetts? Why not take a plane? Its probably cheaper.”
“Some say it’s the journey and not the destination.”
She looked at him with a raised eyebrow.
“Your one of those people, huh?”
Daniel was beginning to dislike the woman’s company more and more by the second.
“Yep. Hey, my wash is probably ready to load so…”
He made a move to step around the woman, but she stepped in front of him so her face was inches from his. For an awkward moment they stayed there, but Daniel stepped back and stared at her.
“Sorry” she said, smiling a little.
No she isn’t, he thought.
“It’s fine.” He held up his hand to show her his ring finger where he still wore his wedding band.
“And?” she asked.
“And that means no.”
Daniel pushed by and began piling his wet laundry into the bin. The woman came in shortly after and sat back down in the seat across the room. Daniel sat with Hobbes after loading his clothes into the dryer and read an old Sports Illustrated. Soon enough the woman finished her laundry and left without a word, leaving Daniel and his dog alone again. Once he was finished they left and were moving again. Hopefully they would be able to make it to Nevada by tomorrow.
They drove for hours and were getting close to the border. He played some Tom Waits for a while. He loved the gruff, rasp of his voice. The mountains of Northern Utah could be seen in all directions and the sun created a bright orange and pink horizon above them. He noticed Hobbes was wheezing again. He looked over and saw that his paw was moving violently back and forth. Panic ensued. Daniel pulled over and began desperately trying to find the nearest veterinary institute. Luckily there happened to be one just over a half hour away. He was there in 20 minutes and carried Hobbes in the front door and frantically tried to find someone. Two women ran up to him and began asking him questions while a man came in at a jog and put his dog on a rolling table. At first Daniel was reluctant to let go but eventually he did and tried to follow him into the back room, but was slowed by one of the women and told to sit down.
“The doctor needs to be alone for this. I’m sorry sir. If it starts to look worse we will bring you in to be with him, but for now you can help the most by staying out here” she said.
He was shaking uncontrollably now. He asked for a glass of water and did his best to keep the shaking to a minimum but to no avail. He could feel the eyes on him, but all he could think about was Hobbes. The nurse brought him water and held his hand. He knew she was only trying to help but that made him shake even more. He was there for maybe five minutes when the doctor came back out and gestured to the nurse. She turned to Daniel and nodded to him. His heart sank. As he stood it felt like his stomach was still in the chair and his legs were barely functional, but he carried himself to the room all the same. Hobbes lay on the table, his chest rising and falling heavily with each breath. His eyes were open and he watched as Daniel came in. The doctor told him that he needed to use a sedative and that he had little time and that euthanization would be the most humane thing to do. He nodded and moved towards Hobbes. He put his hand on his ribs and felt him struggle to take in breath after breath. The doctor said he could hold him when he was ready. He picked up his nearly 100 pound dog and sat on the floor with him in his lap. The nurse held him while the doctor slipped the needle into the vein in his neck. Then he patted him on the shoulder and they left them alone.
Daniel could feel Hobbes’ heart rate slow and his tongue began to slip out of the side of his mouth. His eyes rolled back a little and eventually the breathing was so weak he couldn’t feel the exhale on his arm. Daniel didn’t move until they came back in. They helped him up, leaving his dog on the cold floor. He would be back in the morning for his ashes.

It was midfall in northern Maine. They were all sitting around the campfire again. Hobbes was running around among the trees, trying to catch leaves in his mouth. He was smaller and faster. He was with Shane and Logan, swaying to Sweet Caroline and they were drunkenly belting out the lyrics as they did. Olivia and Luke were making out like there was no tomorrow and Sarah was dancing like nobody was watching. Most likely drunk off a few shots. He could remember them breaking up. It was one of the worst times of his life. He was mostly sober and watched as she danced among her newly found freedom. She seemed happy alone, but she seemed happy to him when they were together, so he couldn’t tell. He couldn’t help but smile, though, as she danced around the campfire. She moved like a small girl, but at times would switch and dance that was, well more adult. He didn’t like when she did that, but he didn’t have the heart to tell her to stop.
There were other people at the fire too. Not the usual people. He could see how they looked at her as she danced. It wasn’t love or fascination. They saw a drunk girl who was vulnerable and fresh for the taking. He could see it in their eyes. The look that a pack of wolves get when they spot a buffalo wandering from the herd. Daniel was watching though, and he knew that s long as he was relatively sober he could stop them if he had to. He had done it before.
A flash came over him suddenly. An image of a wrecked car.
He could see one of the boys had started talking to her now. His hand was up against a tree, nonchalantly over her head. He started towards her.
Another flash stopped him in his tracks. Blood was seeping from a wound.
Sarah was laughing at the boy’s jokes. He was telling her how beautiful she was, but his eyes showed he was thinking with his dick. The words the boy said were like what his had been, but it was different when Daniel said it. When he told her how beautiful she was, he was talking about her soul. He could feel his heart skip just by addressing it. Daniel began moving again, shaking his head and trying to get his bearings.
An image of a ring on a familiar hand was the next flash and he almost fell over.
“Yo Danny, you good? It’s early bro, you got to pace yourself.” It was Julian.
Daniel’s head was a blur, but he could manage pointing and saying “Sarah.”
Julian looked over and sighed. “You guys broke up dude. You gotta move on. It’s not gonna happen. Go get that nut with the girl you were talking to last night! What was her name? Kristen?”
Sarah was walking off with him now. He couldn’t stop it. She was making her own choice; may it be a drunken one at that. They were leaving the fire and back to his dorm. Daniel remembered what he would do to her. He remembered the next morning when she could barely walk, and she sat with him on the couch and leaned against him. She didn’t need to say anything and he didn’t want her to. He held her and hoped only that she would stay close to him for a long time.
The worst part of it is that he may have felt worse if she had enjoyed being with the boy. And she would enjoy the company of other guys. And he would want to throw up at the thought of it. He couldn’t help it. The thought of some other guy, better, bigger, and stronger, fucking the love of his life and making her feel better than he could ever make her feel was the worst thing he could imagine. Well almost.
There was a final flash of Sarah dying in his arms on the side of a dark road.
And then he woke up.
Daniel woke in his car. He was surrounded by cans of beer. He was soaked in sweat again. And he was crying. The sun was coming up and it filled his car with gold light. He remembered how it would bounce of her face in the mornings. How the light molded around her round cheekbones. Everything was coming back to him now. There was a crow outside, cawing. They were both of their favorite birds. Daniel was shaking as he tried to get a hold of himself. He could only imagine what she would think of him right now if she could see him. Part of him had wanted her to find someone who could give her what she wanted. He wanted her to be happy. She said she was and it seemed like she meant it, but could she have been happier with someone else?