One Step Back (Chapter 8)

The Sunday Morning Service

Emily woke up to find Jake was already up. She heard him in the kitchen and smiled when she smelled the coffee brewing. It was a pleasant surprise. Normally she got up first on Sunday mornings. She stretched and yawned, thinking, 'Maybe something good came of our argument and he's decided to come to church with us.'

She contentedly wandered into the living room rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She was about to say 'Good Morning', instead the words died on her lips. He was dressed in his old clothes, packing a cooler. She stood stock still, her outright disappointment brought tears to her eyes. 'He's going fishing, even after I told him so clearly I wished he wouldn't! What a stubborn pig of a man,' she fumed to herself as she balled her hands into fists. Jake gave her a quiet good morning, a muted smile on his face.

'I'm half tempted to slap that grin off his face!' she thought as she turned around without replying and stomped down the hallway to take a shower.

Sunday mornings were always busy at the Rollins' and normally Jake would help Emily get the kids ready. This morning, though, Jake had left while she was still in the shower and Emily had to do everything herself. She was running late. She had spent the morning snapping at the kids trying to get them ready and now Josh was bawling while she desperately looked for his pacifier. Meagan was all dolled up in her Sunday best; a knee-length pink dress, her hair tied back in a pink bow with her bangs hanging low over her forehead. She wasn't happy though; her eyes were red and puffy from crying. She was rubbing an eye with her tiny fist.

"I want Daddy!" she cried.

Emily reached down, rubbed Meagan's back and guiltily smiled at her. "I know you do honey. I'm sorry but we're really late." Meagan, pathetically, put her head down and walked to the front door. Emily watched her with regret. 'Going to church shouldn't be like this,' she thought. 'It's Jake's fault. He's made me late and made me upset the kids.'

Dahlia First Baptist sat on a large lot on the corner of Maple and Second; a long white clap board single story building with a steeple rising proudly above its roof. There was an addition built on to it, accessed from the main entrance, where the Sunday school rooms and kitchen were kept separate from the main church building. Emily was carrying Josh in one arm as she hurried to the church entrance, her other arm laden with a bag. Meagan was dragging behind carrying their Bibles. As she got to the steps, she turned to hiss at her to hurry up. She turned back around only to meet Dave coming down the stairs. He flashed her a smile and relieved her of her bag.

"Now there's a sight for sore eyes," he said, "I was about to phone to see were you coming."

"I'm sorry we're late Dave. We've had a really hectic morning."

He patted her on the back sympathetically. "It's ok. We haven't started yet. I'll drop your bags in your room."

"Thanks, Dave. You're a real lifesaver," Emily replied, swept up with relief.

She dropped Josh at the nursery where Karen was on duty during Sunday school. She gave Emily a big smile and put her arms out to Josh who went to her with delight. Karen bent down and ruffled Meagan's hair.

"Well, good mornin'," she said. "You're lookin' a bit frazzled, Emily."

"It's been one of those mornin's." Emily replied. "I've gotta run. I'll talk to you later." Together, she and Meagan went to Sunday school.

Emily taught a rambunctious group of three to six-year-olds. Ten to fifteen children attended the class, Meagan and Karen's Brian being regular attendees. It lasted for one hour, Emily relating a Bible story illustrated with cut out characters she stuck to a felt board. She narrated the story with funny voices, drawing laughter from the children and concluded the class by teaching a simple, catchy song. The children enjoyed themselves, leaving the class smiling and laughing. It was fulfilling for Emily. She loved teaching young ones, saying to Jake, "If they have fun, they'll learn without even knowing it". He always said she should have been a teacher; she still could be.

After Sunday school Emily and Meagan joined the main service in the auditorium. They always sat towards the back with Karen, Drew and their three boys. They were already seated, allowing Emily and Meagan space on the pew next to the aisle. Karen mouthed Emily a 'Hello' as they sat down.

Karen, Drew and the boys were impeccably attired in their Sunday best. The boys all had their hair neatly combed and parted to the side. They sat quietly, their staggered heights forming a neat stair step of heads. Emily marvelled at how Karen did everything so well.

Just before the service started, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned to see Dave's smiling face. He whispered if she would see him after the service. She nodded her assent, a little mystified. He smiled, squeezed her shoulder and continued to the front of the church. Karen gave Emily a questioning glance. Emily shrugged her ignorance.

The service lasted an hour and a half. Emily had given Meagan a pen and paper. She knew some people wouldn't approve, but she felt it was too long for a child to sit without anything to do. She drew the line at noise and fidgeting though, and Meagan had been taught to sit quietly, just like most of the other kids in the church. She looked down at her, feeling a surge of pride.

When the closing prayer over, Karen turned to Emily. "We're going out to the lake for a picnic and a swim. Do you and Jake want to join us there later?" she asked.

Emily looked down at the floor overcome with regret, tears stinging her eyes. 'Why can't we be together today as a family,' she thought. She fought to compose herself, forcing a smile to her lips and looked back up at Karen.

"Jake's gone fishing with Bill so I don't know when he'll be home," Emily sighed. "We'll spend the afternoon at home and have a rest."

Karen took her by the hand, looking closely at her. "Are you ok, hun?"

Emily nodded giving her a reassuring smile. "I'm fine. Just tired. You guys have a good time."

"We will. I'll see you in the morning." Karen said, squeezing her hand as they parted.

Emily picked Josh up at the nursery and then joined the preacher greeting line at the church entrance. Pastor Miles Kramer was a kindly, older man who always had one of his grandchildren hanging onto him. Today, three-year-old Melissa Kramer was hugging his leg. Pastor Miles gave Emily a warm hug in greeting. He patted Josh on the cheek and playfully pulled Meagan's chin. They all beamed back at him.

"How are the Rollins'?" he asked with a kind smile.

"Kickin ass!" Meagan bellowed,

Emily sharply looked into Meagan's smiling face as she heard a gasp and barely suppressed laughter behind her. She felt her face start to burn, perspiration broke out on her forehead.

"Meagan!" she hissed, reaching down to take her hand. "You can't say that!"

Meagan's smile vanished into a stubborn pout. "But Rango..."

"Hush, Meagan." She said, shaking her hand then looked back up into Pastor Miles' face. He had a firm smile in place, but he couldn't hide the amusement in his eyes.

"I'm sorry Pastor Miles, One of Jake's Air Force buddies has been stayin' with us. He's not used to watchin' his mouth."

"How is Rango?" Pastor Miles asked, patting Meagan on the head,

Emily's mouth dropped open but quickly recovered. "How do you know him?"

"He's been coming along to our outreach program on Saturdays for substance abuse. I'm surprised he never told you."

"We had no idea, but I'm glad he's goin'," she said

"Well, it was good of you and Jake to take him in. He really thinks a lot of you guys," he said taking her gently by the arm. He looked down at his granddaughter. "Melissa here tells me you're doing a good job with Sunday school. We really appreciate all your hard work... How's Jake?"

"He's... ok," she said, trying to mask her negativity.

"You tell him we said 'Hi' and we always pray for him. Emily, you need to be strong and patient with him. I know he's a Christian man, but he's lost his way. In God's time and in God's way he'll come back. You gotta trust God and don't pressure him. Ok?" he said, patting her kindly on the arm and then letting her go.

"Ok. Pastor Miles," said Emily, thinking instead, 'It's easy for him to say that. He's not living with Jake.'

Emily led Meagan down the stairs of the church, relieved to be leaving; her face still burning with embarrassment. She squatted down to face Meagan, balancing Josh on her lap. Meagan stared back at her sullenly.

"Meagan dear, it wasn't your fault, ok? You just said something that's not very nice to say, 'cause you heard Rango say it. 'Ass' is another of them words you can't say, ok. Will you remember that?"

Meagan nodded her head, her sullen expression easing. Emily smiled and hugged her.

"We gotta wait for Dave. How about we go over to the swing sets."

Meagan brightened up. "Ok Mommy," she said, running the short distance to the church playground which consisted of two swing sets, a slide and a picnic bench. Mercifully, it was shaded by mature trees. Emily followed her over, strapped Josh into a swing and gently pushed him while Meagan tried to push herself on the 'big kid' swing, Emily helped her get started and then noticed Dave emerge from the church and look around.

"Dave!" she yelled, waving at him. He turned towards her, returned the wave and walked over to them.

"Thanks for waiting, Emily," he said as he approached them.

"That's fine, Dave. What did ya need?"

"Well, Pastor Miles..." he stopped, suddenly, and looked at her with concern. "Are you alright Emily, Your face is really red."

Emily bit her lip and could fell her face begin to singe again. She looked down at Josh and Meagan and stepped back from them out of their hearing.

"While we were talking to Pastor Miles, Meagan said something really embarrassing."

"Really?" Dave asked, his eyes brightening, a small smile forming on his lips. "What'd she say?"

Emily looked back at the children and then spoke quietly. "When Pastor Miles asked how we were, as loud as can be, Meagan said 'kicking ass'."

"She what?" he said and then doubled over laughing. Emily was at first taken aback but then began to see how funny it was. She started to laugh, the build-up in tension slowly releasing. She laughed until she felt a pain in her side. She gasped, wiped tears from her eyes and then punched Dave in the arm.

"That's for laughin'," she said.

Dave straightened up and wiped his eyes. "I'm sorry for laughin', but that was really funny. Kids can say the darndest things. You must have really been embarrassed," he said as he struggled to suppress another laugh.

"Thing is, it ain't Meagan's fault. She's just repeatin' what Rango always says. He's Air Force buddy of Jake's."

"Rango... I met him at the outreach program. A bit of a rough character, ain't he?"

"You could say that, but if you knew him like we do, you'd know that deep down he's a nice guy. He can be challenging, though."

"I guess that's the kind of challenge we were just laughin' about."

"Well, it sure feels good to laugh Dave. I feel better for it," she said as she resumed pushing both the children on the swing. "You were saying something about Pastor Miles."

"Yeah. He has asked me to organize a Sunday school special. You're really gifted with the kids so I was wondering if you would consider helping me out with this." Then he smiled weakly, "I'm kind of new at this."

Emily felt a surge of pride at his words, then looked at him. "When is it supposed to happen?" she asked.

"He wants to do it four weeks from today."

"Which classes are involved?"

"All the age groups. We're to do a play and have the kids sing some songs. He has left the details to me..."

"How much time do you think this'll take up?" she asked, smiling as Josh squealed happily with the latest push. "Don't get me wrong. This would be right up my alley but our lives are so busy I don't know how much time I'd have to give."

"I completely understand. I've never done this before, so I can't really answer your question." He thought for a moment, while Emily gave Meagan another push. "Look, if you're interested, we can have one meeting. I can tell you what I plan to do and together we can list out everything that will need to be done to make it happen. Then we'll know and you can decide if you can commit or not. One meeting, no obligations!" he smiled. "The only thing I'll ask is that we do this by Wednesday. I'll need to find someone else to help if you can't."

Emily thought for a moment. "I guess I better say it to Jake first. How about I tell you at work?"

"Great! That works for me. I'm off tomorrow, but let me know on Tuesday." he replied.

"Mommy, can you push me higher, like Daddy does?" Meagan called out.

"I can't, Meagan. That's somethin' special your Daddy does." Wistfully, she thought about how protective Jake was with Meagan at the public park outside of Dahlia. He didn't want her to fall but wanted her to have the thrill of swinging really high. He got in the tall swing and put Meagan in his lap. They swung so high, all the while the two of them laughing with delight. "Besides, we need to go."

"What are you guys plannin' for the afternoon?" Dave asked.

She looked back at Dave and noticed Karen and Drew, outside the church, talkin' to another family. She sighed, a feeling of regret rising up. She quickly looked back down at her children.

"We've no plans, Dave. Jake's gone fishin' and I don't know when he'll be home."

"I don't want to pry, but is everything ok, Emily?" Dave asked.

"Oh, we're fine," she said, forcing a smile and looking back up at him. "I just wish we spent Sundays together as a family like everyone else does here."

"That's gotta be hard on you, Emily. Did Jake ever go to Church?"

"Yea. Before we were married he was really enthusiastic about God. Even after for a little while but then he changed. I don't really know why. It's been a couple of years since he's come. He just wants nothin' to do with Christianity anymore."

"Do you think he's a Christian?"

"I'm not sure, Dave. He says he's not."

"Jake not being a Christian will put a strain on your marriage," he said. "I feel sorry for him. See, he can't love people the way you and I can because he doesn't have God's love in him."

"You think so, Dave." Emily asked looking back at him and thinking 'Could this be why Jake's been acting so selfishly lately?'

"Sure. As Christians, God's spirit lives in us and we can draw on his love so we don't live a self-centred life."

Josh and Meagan were coming to a stand-still and she quickly resumed pushing them, thinking how imbalanced a marriage could be if one was all the time pleasing themselves while the other always gave in. 'It's not fair.' she thought. She looked back up at Dave and sighed.

'I never thought of it that way, Dave, but it kinda make's sense."

Dave smiled at her sympathetically. "Besides, you guys'll have different priorities. Especially with raisin' the kids," he said, nodding at the children.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, his value system won't be based on the word of God. You know that anything that's not based on the Word is of no value, so he really has no values. A man needs to be the moral compass in his home. If he can't do it, then you got to do it." He looked down at the children, stepped back and motioned for her to step back so they wouldn't hear. "You'll probably need to protect those kids from picking up his bad habits," he said. "Not just his friends, like Rango."

"I think you've got Jake all wrong. He certainly cares for the kids and doesn't want them picking up bad habits. I've heard him yell at Rango about that."

"Does he do things you don't want to see your kids do?"

"Yea. He smokes and drinks some. He'll cuss sometimes but he makes sure not to do it in front of them. He doesn't want them to smoke or drink, either. He always says, startin' to smoke was the worst decision he ever made."

"But your kids watch him do it all the time. Besides drinkin' always leads to more and more. I've seen so many problems caused by drink. Just look at Rango."

Emily shook her and smiled. "I see where you're comin' from but you should see the way Jake plays with them. They really love him."

"It sounds like he's a lot of fun but a Father needs to be feared, just like we should be afraid of God. A good father will be strict and will whip the fear of God into them to save their souls from Hell. Weak men play with their kids and won't discipline them. His bad habits will rub off on them. You wouldn't want Meagan to turn out like Kate at the diner; all that dinkiin', smokin' and whorin'. I bet her Dad never whipped her."

It was a sobering thought. Emily certainly didn't want either of her kids to go down that path. She knew Jake didn't either, but could he prevent? "I don't know about this, Dave. Jake really does care about the kids."

Dave smiled at her. "Well, think about it." He glanced over at the picnic bench. "Let's go over to the bench there and I'll pray for you."

She nodded her head and called out to Meagan, "Meagan dear, can you push Josh while I pray with Dave."

They walked over to the bench and sat side by side. Emily bowed her head and Dave softly laid his hand on her back. It felt nice and reassuring to her. She leaned into him.

"Dear God. Please bless this fine Christian woman. Give her the strength she needs to stand by what is right. Give her life a measure of love and peace that she so justly deserves. Amen."

Just then a car honked its horn. Emily looked up and saw Karen and Drew driving by. She waved but they had driven on.

"Thanks, Dave. That was a nice prayer. I need to get home."

After lunch, Emily was busy putting away the laundry when she heard something heavy falling at the other end of the home. She went to investigate. Meagan was on the floor watching the TV but Josh was not there. She found him in the kitchen. He had emptied a bottom cupboard of its contents. Bleach bottles were lying on the floor and Josh had happily pored himself a 'sand pile', although he used laundry detergent instead.

"Shi....oot. Josh! What have you done?" she scolded, picking him up. She washed him, changed his clothes and put him down for a nap.

"Now I've got a mess to clean up. I bet Jake never fixed the safety catch on the cupboard door," she fumed. She checked. It was still broken. When it had broken earlier in the week, Emily had emptied the contents of the cupboard onto the table to keep them out of Josh's reach.

"I know I had told him to fix it. Lazy cuss! He doesn't do it and then he stupidly puts everything back in the cupboard just so Josh can play with them." She muttered angrily to herself.

Emily returned to the kitchen and cleaned up the mess still grumbling to herself. She placed the detergents back on the table and swept the kitchen floor; noticing she also swept up the broken latch.

She lay down on the couch in the air conditioning trying to relax, her frustration with Jake growing as the strange conversation with Dave kept spinning in her head. At four, Jake burst in the front door looking relaxed and content. Meagan greeted him enthusiastically, wrapping her arms and legs around his leg. He had a sheepish grin on his sunburnt face.

'I hope it hurts. That's divine retribution for the day he put me through,' she thought to herself. She gave him a cold 'hello' and closed her eyes in rebuff. Then she heard him drop the cooler on the floor and announce, "Look what I caught today."

She opened her eyes to see a large grey fish about two foot long in the cooler surrounded by ice. Its eyes were wide open, its mouth was gaping and what appeared to be whiskers sprouted from either side of its face. It looked disgusting. Meagan was enthralled with it. She had forgotten all about Jake's leg and was stooped over the fish, her little finger tentatively touching it.

"Is it dead, Daddy?"

"Yup, it sure is. Me and this fish had a fight and your Daddy won."

"But what are we supposed to do with it?" Emily asked in exasperation.

She noticed Jake was taken aback with her reaction, the smile fading from his face. "I guess we can eat it," he suggested.

"Well, I don't know the first thing about cleaning a fish or cooking it. Do you?"

"No. I guess I didn't think that far ahead."

"Well that's typical of you...not thinkin' ahead," she said. Jake narrowed his eyes and looked out in the direction of the Smith's.

"You know what," he said, "you're right. We wouldn't make good use of this fish. I do know someone who would appreciate it, though. I'll give it to Doris and Norm. They always talk about how they love eatin' catfish"

He closed the lid on the cooler and picked it up. He put out his hand for Meagan and said, "C'mon Meagan. Let's go see Mama Doris."

Emily lay back on the couch and closed her eyes as they walked out the front door. 'Jake acts just like a kid,' she thought. 'He admits it himself. He doesn't think ahead. That's why he didn't fix that safety catch. He just can't be trusted with the safety of the kids.'

Dave's words played in her mind. 'You'll probably need to protect those kids from picking up his bad habits.' She sat up anxiously. 'What if Dave is right? I don't want Meagan to turn out like Kate.'

She stood up and started to pace thinking about what she should do. 'I can't afford not to do somethin',' she thought. Anger welled up in her as she realized Jake was forcing her into doing things she shouldn't have to. Her resolve hardened. She went into the kitchen and took out Jakes bottle of Bourbon.

'First things first,' she thought to herself. 'Get rid of the booze.'

She went out back and poured its' contents into the bushes and threw away the empty bottle. She returned and gathered up his ashtrays and put them outside.

"If he wants to kill himself with cigarettes, I don't care, but he doesn't have to do it where the kids can see him," she hissed angrily.

Pleased with her herself, she picked up a book and sat down on the couch to read it. After a while, she went into the kitchen to pour herself a cold drink. Looking out the window, she saw Jake and Meagan had returned from Doris and Norman's house and were chasing each other on the green. As Jake would catch her, he would fold her into his arms and roll with her on the ground. She could hear Meagan's shrieks of laughter. Jake always said, "The good thing about having kids when young is growing up with them." Emily always thought that was nice, but now she wasn't so sure. A good father needs the maturity to anticipate his children's needs. It was beginning to dawn on her that Jake wasn't a good father; he certainly wasn't being a good husband.