Just keep swimming, despite I am drowing

There are times I think I am strong within my Christian walk and there are times like now, when I feel so lost my entire body aches with every worry, every thought, every tear, every emotional purge I allow others to throw up on me.

I am not a writer; for the love of Christ, I can hardly spell for that matter. I am not really good at anything but do ok in just about everything. I'm an only child with the demands of a loving but sometimes needy mother, and a wife of a loving but often emotionally draining husband. The two people I love in this world I to allow to purge their anger, fears and emotions onto me daily. Honor thy mother and thy father as their days may be numbered, and striving to be the God fearing and honorable wife as found in Proverbs 31 sounds so easy in theory; however, application is exhausting, tearful, and sometimes just plain, in your face rude. I usually have a happy go lucky attitude but lately my attitude is marginal between irritation and just getting by in life. The people I love so much have a tendency not to listen when I feel like I need to purge into their lives. They brush me off with a quick "Uh huh" before sliding in an example of how "they" encountered the same thing as "they" then go on to take over the conversation and I end up just listening to their problems. Don't get me wrong (or maybe you are right), I take complete ownership in why this is happening. If I had a backbone in order to stand up to the ones I love, things might be different, maybe we could "all" be happy then. But nooooo, I am always afraid of making someone mad, or ruining someone’s day. What could have happened to me in my life to make me so worried about what others think of me. So what do I do throughtout my life? In typical martyr like fashion, I let them ruin my day instead and passively whine about it later. Anyway, my goal today is simply to start writing what bugging me; because I feel like if I keep it all inside of me I I will disappear under it all. Hopefully I will see just how silly I am being... I'm hopeful even while lost I can somehow find myself within myself.

The Purge 1: My very elderly mother and I live in different states. Every morning I telephone her without fail to make sure she is ok and to find out what’s going on in life. I adore my mother, she and my father did their very best to raise me in a Christian and stable home. I owe the comforts of my earth life, to the both of them and could not ask for a better set of parents while growing up. After my father passed away I just knew my role as an only child would become more demanding, since my father was my mother’s rock and I thought she would now need me to be her rock. Oddly enough however; those thoughts could not have been furthest from the truth. In fact, after her period of grief my mom seemed to flourish as I watched her become even stronger than she already was. I was encouraged by her and found comfort even though I was 3000 miles away from her, by knowing she was thriving and that she would be ok. That was almost 9-years ago. But four weeks ago something changed - granted she and my husband have both always competed for my attention but lately she has been full of worry. Two weeks ago after spending what she said was a wonderful time with all of her siblings, she came home worried about her dog. This dog was initially my father’s so she kinda inherited him after dad passed away. For nearly nine years she and her dog have fussed at each other, and been each other’s comfort at the same time. Anyway, a couple weeks ago she started obsessing over her dog after taking him to a vet appointment and finding out he has cataracts. Having a 23-year old nearly blind and death dog of my own, I suppose I was less worried as I know these things can happen in animals just as they can with people. I tried to assure her that he would still be fine even if he could not see as well as he once had. Although she agreed with me, I later discovered she had contacted a doctor at one of the leading medical centers to see if they could possibly perform surgery on her dog. The doctor said he would but also told her that this is a normal progression in life and that the surgery might not even work, let alone give her dog back the quality of life he had once known. Although I felt this was a bit extreme on her part and that she simply needed to be a bit more mindful of her dog’s disabilities, I tried to be sympathetic and supportive of whatever decision she felt faced with. During our daily morning conversations we would spend the majority of the conversation with her upset because she felt she needed to make arrangements for her dog if something were to happen to her and she were no longer able to care for him. I reassured her that although my husband and I already have two dogs, I would make sure her dog has a place in our home as well. For some reason this seemed unsettling to her despite the fact my husband and I are both pet lovers; so I then suggested she might want to talk it over with her longtime friend who volunteers at a pet shelter, and who might be willing to shelter moms dog if mom determined she did not want her dog to be relocated out of state to come live with my family. Let me just interject here to say that as far as I know, my mom is in great health for her age and she has no known illness that I am aware of. Nevertheless, she finally talked to her longtime friend who assured mom that she would make sure mom's dog came to live with her and her husband if mom found she was no longer able to care for her dog’s needs. Frankly, and God forgive me if I am wrong, but I think the problem lies in the fact mom may simply not want to take care of a dog with a recently discovered seizure disorder, limited hearing and blindness. She seems to be fine when he is happy go lucky, but on the days his disabilities present themselves, our conversations are dominated by what she will do regarding her dogs overall health. Happily, this conversation came to an end two weeks ago and I felt a bit of relief not having to emotionally deal with her fears from one day to the next. I know it sounds terrible and believe me, I feel like the worst daughter ever for feeling this way. She has always been quick to remind me that "she did for me and now it’s my turn to care for her." I know this and I get this, but she is a handful of emotions and dealing with her needs and the responsibilities of my marriage and my own household can sometimes be emotionally draining. I feel like I am juggling and juggling badly I might add.

Fast forward two weeks later with the dog storm behind us, and a new storm has risen. For the past two weeks she has been angry because she cannot get into her voicemail on her cell phones or her gmail. The history behind this is that I have frequently asked my mother to go into her phone and gmail at least once a month and delete items she may not feel she needs. Unfortunately, she has done none of the things I have requested. While away on vacation a couple of weeks ago I mentioned to her that I was not able to leave a voicemail because her mailbox was full. She ignored me and went on to tell me about how wonderful of a time she was having on vacation, so I didnt mention it anymore. While on vacation my uncle sent my cousin some pictures he had taken of my mom and all her siblings. My cousin forwarded the pictures to me and I was so thrilled to see them all having such a lovely time together. I mentioned to my mother during a later conversation that my cousin had sent me some pictures and I loved them all. Unfortunately, my mother became transfixed on the fact others were seeing the pictures before she could see them. Upon her return home, every morning telephone conversation centered around her not being able to get into her email where she was sure my uncle had forwarded all the pictures to her. Additionally, she was also insistent she had 76 voicemails, however I know that her phone does not hold that many messages. Needless to say, I went in and reset her gmail password and also noticed she had not received any emails from my uncle. As a matter of fact she only had a couple spam emails which I deleted. I tried to reset her voicemail but could not reset her it because this had to be done by an administrator. I suggested she take her cell phone back to the store and have them show her what she needs to do to reset her password since I could not be there to take care of this for her. For some reason this suggestion seemed to upset her even more but I was physically not capable of doing anything and it did not make sense for me to fly to her state simply to resolve a password issue. I love my mother with all my heart but my failure to make everything "right" in her life is weighing on me. I cannot live up to her expectations, because they seem so high for me despite how hard I try. I feel like I have always been inadequate because I always seem to fall short of living up to the expectations of others, especially those I admire the most. I wish I wasn’t such a people pleaser because I truly feel like I am doing them a disservice by not being fully genuine. I often wonder if there are others out there in this this world - the type who spend the vast majority of their lives trying to please and make everyone happy yet feeling emotionally exhausted in the process. Anyway, getting back to mom - as the weeks passed she seemed more and more irritated during our phone conversations. She complained of how her speaker phone was not working properly and how my morning calls were becoming a problem for her because her ear was bothering her and she did not feel she could talk and use the receiver up to her ear. My failure to assist only grew into paranoia for her as she suggested someone had done something to her phone and that her neighbors could possibly be listening to her telephone calls. Maybe its ignorance and lack of sympathy on my part; however, I just didn’t feel like this was the problem and it was likely she just accidently hit a button on the phone which turned off the speaker on the base phone.

After the frustration, in walks the self-pity party. I did not call my mother this morning because I felt like all the problems of her world where somehow associated with my on guilt of not being near enough to resolve her daily problems. I told myself that there was no need to call her because the speaker phone would not be working properly, she would complain of her ear hurting because she had to hold the receiver to her ear, and she would make it known that I was interupting her sleep and waking up her dog who demands her time and attention the moment he wakes up. I allow this type of behavior, and then when I become frustrated or they become angry with me, I start to pity myself. How can this be healthy for me or them? The only thing that is consistent is the gloom that once hovered of her, now hovers over me as well - she seems so comfortable under this cloud. Misery loves company I suppose. But what frustrates me the most is that I allow this! I read my bible, and try to approach it all from a biblical stance and every single time, I fail terribly. I fail at being the loving, caring and sharing daughter I believe God wants me to be. One wrong move and all the good I have shared with my mom seems to take a nose dive, a back seat to what I didn’t do right now.

I feel lost right now. I feel like a disappointment in life, to others, to myself and to God. I just want to be happy and I don't want other people’s happiness to stem from me. Is that wrong? Is it selfish? I don't know. I don’t know anything anymore. My head is swimming in an ocean of darkness and unstableness. With each day I feel like I am drowning, being pulled down deeper and deeper, while everything looks so beautiful on the surface.