PANKH

PANKH

My name is Sarthak; I am a Professor of Politics in Ambedkar University, Delhi. This is not my story. This is a story of my ex-wife Pankh, how gratuitously inappropriate it sounds, to just call Pankh my ex-wife, even thinking about Pankh, my memories of Pankh, fills me with so many depths, possibilities, which I didn't even knew existed. This story is an attempt on my part to reconcile with those depths, which Pankh brought into my life.

Inspite of this being not my story, but I am the one narrating it, it would be through my eyes that the reader of this story will get to know Pankh, which only makes it pertinent for me to lay myself bare. Well, there is nothing special about my life though. I was born in Gorakhpur, one of the cities located in eastern Uttar Pradesh, I belonged to a reasonably well to do family. My father was a Banker, my mother was a house wife, and my father had inherited substantial wealth from his father, which had landed us into a very comfortable financial position, inspite of my father modest job at the bank. My parents were sweet. My memories of my parents are clouded with their sweetness, as it is only proper, I mean they never expected much from me, and gave all the love and more to me, I was a below average kid, lacking in brightness in education, sports, art in anything for that matter. But they never complained. They never got tired of seeing my third division report cards year after year. Many a times after seeing my report card they still used to ask me, do I need anything, anything special for dinner, which use to surprise me no end, as I knew many of my friends who like me, were equally pathetic in studies, always narrated some pretty rough tales of how their fathers have punished them after seeing their report cards.

I continued with my uninspiring, easy going life, which was only interrupted by my passionate and incessant masturbation. I was not much into pornography, but I had a fertile mind when it comes to imagining possible sexual encounters with women, and I used to fantasize on nearly everyone, from my classmates to my lady teachers, even my neighboring aunties, my sexual imagination really knew no bounds. In reality I was a bit constrained. Sexual fantasies remain fantasies. But then something happened in my High School, I fell for a top Bollywood actress, my crush on this actress was so intense, that I started to believe, if I would study real hard, endow my characters with socially accepted virtues then I may succeed in winning the love of this said actress. I know this sounds ridiculous. But this crush took me to strange paths. An adolescent crush is accompanied by a strong sexual desire, my crush too was inspired by sexual desire, but somehow my mind repressed it. I felt that if I indulged in sexual fantasies about her, then I would never succeed in winning her love. Through this very strange reasoning, my life started changing, and suddenly I become a very hard working student, which slowly but steadily started reflecting on my exam results. It was then on the shores of adulthood that my mind started forming certain believes, according to which pleasure or excessive pleasure was considered sinful, and I started to extract masochistic pleasures whenever I denied myself a possible pleasure or amusement.

Accompanied by these beliefs I joined Delhi University for my graduation in Political Science. My masochistic beliefs and rudimentary understanding of politics at that time made me an apologist for dictatorship. In many of my class room interventions I used to argue that how in India, democracy should be abolished and a full time dictatorship needs to be instituted. My teachers were luckily very kind towards me, without rejecting, my well plainly absurd arguments, they kept guiding me towards more sensitive literature, which worked. My reading habits which started due to my high school crush, has now blossomed into a passion. And here begins a very long and boring story of my foray into academics, which culminated in my getting a Phd degree from JNU, in Political Science, which I will skip.

Well, I was celebrated in academic community, I was widely considered to be one of the most promising 'progressive' scholar on politics in contemporary times. My articles were frequently quoted. My articles used to resonate with themes of justice, equality; they always offered a very balanced perspective of life, politics. For instance, among my students, fellow academicians, I used to argue how belief in God was fundamental for human happiness, as without that belief, the intrinsic goodness, which God inspires, our life would be caught into the void of transient pleasures, but I always use to add, a fixated evocation of God in every moment of life, seeing his will in every human action or event, would also rob human life of free will, everything would come across as deterministic, and then our actions, the consequences emitting from it would lose any value, nobody could be held responsible for anything. I insisted that belief in God, love for God should always be posited as a dilemma, which would never be resolved.

These beliefs of mine, were not just superficial academic talk, I held to them resolutely in my life, and one thing hasn't changed from my high school till now, I believed, it is these very fine and reasonable believes of mine, accompanied by my virtuous life, attested by many, will be prized by someone, a someone to come would immensely love me because of my goodness. Of course my high school is long gone, but somehow it continues to linger in my personality I still equate love with goodness, I continued to believe that my getting love depended on my virtues, my completeness. I use to feel so guilty whenever jealousy erupted in me, whenever I felt hatred for someone, whenever I consulted astrology to find when I will finally meet someone who will love me, even after being told something favorable, that I will meet someone very soon, I used to agonize how my impatience has killed the possibility of love happening to me through pure chance, how I have reduced it to a pure mechanics of fate. I myself experienced the imminence of meeting my love, when I have shunted all my weakness, when my belief in God coexisted with my belief in free will, I experienced the imminent arrival of my love when my love coexisted with the universe, when every part, every moment of my love corresponded with the goodness of the universe, it was like my love would not seek shelter in some corner of the universe, rather it would borrow all the lights of the universe and blossom in it.

Pankh did arrived in my life then, however her arrival was less dramatic and universe never beckoned it, my parents asked me to meet Pankh, they had met with Pankh's parents in one of the extended family functions and have arranged this meeting of mine and Pankh. I agreed, somehow my sublime ideas of love didn't felt to be contradicted by the possibility of arrange marriage. So I went up to meet Pankh, with all my hopes, desire, goodness, innocence, quivering inside me, seeking expression, my heart gladdened with all the expectations of happiness.

I saw Pankh. She was beautiful, amazingly beautiful, but I was struck by her eyes, her eyes somehow betrayed the innocence and the seriousness of her face, her eyes narrated a story of its own, I saw in Pankh's eyes the irreducibility of what she is, her eyes glittered with a reality which was her own, I saw in those eyes no external reference, certainly those eyes never sought God, those eyes were oblivious of social virtues, those eyes affirmed everything which may happen, those eyes narrated a tale in which good and evil had no bearings.

When I asked her that do you know why we are meeting? She said 'I am not averse to arrange marriages as such; we might start to love each other'. I was not disappointed by her answer, but I was disarmed by her frankness, she acknowledged that we could not fell in instant love with each other, but we could start to love each other, I felt so much openness in her reply, so many possibilities, I felt that her reply has given me the space where I could articulate my goodness, my vision of love, which will culminate in love, in immense love.

We started meeting more often, conversation came easily to Pankh, she had done her graduation in English Literature and after that had done internships at some newspapers, magazines, but nothing stable, she asked me once 'Does it bother you, you are marrying someone, who is not so well educated, not at all well read'. She said this without any guilt, without any complexes, just as a plain question, I replied, 'of course not, it hardly matters'. I often narrated to Pankh my idea of life, love, of course in a very plain language, after hearing all that she used to half smile, half shrug, but it was not indifference, Pankh always came across to me as someone who has convictions of her own, but convictions which are not formed, but lies deep in her. I personally disliked those modern secular girls, who were very 'realistic' about love, who accepted that relationships may die at any time and serious love were more or less always fetishes or some fixation. I dislike such modern realistic girls because I always sensed an emptiness around the. I acknowledged that their lives beam with intense pleasures, but there is no joy in their lives, no contentment.

Pankh was not like these modern realistic girls, I knew she could die for someone's love. But yet she was not enthusiastic about my virtues, my idea of love. A cold fear was slowly creeping in my heart, but I shrugged it off. What was Pankh? What was she seeking? What those deep black eyes of Pankh which refers only to herself means? She is not selfish, she is certainly not opportunist, and she is painfully oblivious of worldly realities, yet she could not be won by my innocence, my virtues. I kept pondering, why Pankh was indifferent to my so preciously cultivated virtues? After all, my virtues have been the basis of my desiring love. How could somebody love me or why would somebody love me if I am not virtuous? I asked Pankh 'Do you Love me?' 'Not yet', Pankh calmly replied, again her expression was not accompanied by any undercurrent design, it was just there, her expressions never betrayed any serious emotions, any vision of life, Pankh her life was so painfully present. I was tempted to say, we can put off our marriage to a later date, in case you need more time, but I could not say it, the truth was I have started to immensely love Pankh, I dreaded my life without her. I was afraid she may leave me, so I decided to go ahead with our marriage, my conscience was pricking me for this narcissism of mine, which so blatantly contradicted my own ideas of love, but then Pankh, almost as if she could hear my inner turmoil, said 'Let's go ahead with marriage, you never know'. 'I love you Pankh, I really do' I said firmly, she merely smiled, her eyes again not vacant, but I could not see in them any vision for good, for God, for any law.

We married. The marriage ceremony was modest, as per the wishes of Pankh. Our marriage life started smoothly and if I may so add passionately, the initial days after our marriage was marked by intense sexual activity. Pankh had no inhibitions when it comes to seeking pleasure from our bodies, her eyes, her demeanor permitted everything, I used to get lost in those voids of passion, which lasted only for a few minutes, which resolutely refused to partake in any larger reality, I sought universe and all the lights to accompany our love, so that our love gets attested, but there was nothing, there was darkness, further silenced by Pankh's rippling laughter, her exclamations at experiencing that our bodies could be source of so much pleasure, I had my own share of pleasure in those unforgettable moments, but I wanted to retain something form those moments, I wanted to find a joyous future for me and Pankh in those moments of surging passions, I wanted to be happy at those moments, by being reassured of our future together, but those moments were so reluctant to give anything away, they insisted on what they are now, they overlapped with the darkness of Pankh's eyes, I knew they were in cohorts with Pankh's eyes, I knew they ridiculed me, my search for joy. But then I saw Pankh, I again saw nothing, there was no conspiracy, only a human, her body rising and falling with every breath, just being there, perhaps for the first time I was confronted with the sight of human.

After our intense love making, in which I had forgotten myself, and felt a bit guilty for somehow overpowering my body, my desires on Pankh, I always use to hug Pankh, to reassure her of my love, she never protested, but one day she said, 'I enjoy you telling me your deepest desires and acting on it, you don't have to reassure me or anything', but even after saying it, she remained in my arms, watching me. Sometimes I wanted to hug her and cry for hours, to confess that the cold fear which was attempting to crawl in my heart, earlier, which I had shrugged it off, now has taken possession of my heart and it tells me that my innocence, my virtues do not matter to you. How you will love me then or why you would even love me? But I could never do it.

Many a times I felt Pankh wanted to say something, but she remained silent. I use to avoid entering into political discussion with Pankh, knowing well, she disliked it, but one day in the course of our conversation I just reflected, 'Look what this nationalist Government at the center is doing now, bombarding us with nationalism, masculinity, this Government needs to be opposed on the principles of justice, which is constantly being denied to those who are always excluded from their hyper-nationalism. While speaking to her I had started looking in another direction, but after I had finished, I looked towards her, She was looking at me, there was curiosity in her eyes, I asked, 'What you think?', 'Me?, Well, I neither understand nationalism nor justice, I don't even know how people end up having opinion on most issues, being so articulate, almost as if events of this world come to them only to offer them another chance of being articulate, as if events don't even reach anywhere in them, they just articulate it. She was speaking in a voice which was imbued with a distant or mystical depth, 'they are insisting on nationalism you are opposing it with justice, in both there is vision of a larger world, I fail to have such visions Sarthak, whenever I look towards the sky, I get frightened by its vastness, I start seeking shelter, and I find me, my body, its needs. You know how intensely I enjoy sex, because it shelters me, it mocks the sky, its vastness, its sublimity, as here two bodies, with all the limitations, mortality, possible diseases, enveloped with each other lost in each other plunge in ecstasy, while the sky and its vastness watches, it can bask in its glory, it can claim that these mortals are living under my roof, but a sky can never make love to anyone, because it's so vast. Nationalism, justice are skies for me'. 'You are a sky Sarthak', she added with a beautiful compassionate smile. I could have died there, because of the love that was surging in me for her, which was accompanied by the realization, she would never be mine.

'You are a sky Sarthak', I kept repeating her words, I wanted to scream how can you not love me I am virtuous, I believe in God, yet I believe in free will, but I knew the answer.

One day Pankh said it herself, 'I am sorry Sarthak, I could not succeed in loving you, though there was every reason I should have, after all you are so nice, you have such a persuasive vision of love, of life, of dilemmas, you conceive so many human possibilities, for which you even repress your love for God and insist on free will, but, Sarthak for an individual you conceive too many possibilities, you succeed in weaving, articulating so many possibilities, you even theorized chances, I know you feel guilty whenever you evoke God or destiny, because right after you start imagining that you have killed spontaneity. I keep thinking about you Sarthak; keep thinking about your vast imagination, your goodness, I keep wondering how you succeed in synthesizing so many human possibilities, but then I knew your imagination, your goodness have no bounds. I know even in the frenzy of our lovemaking you seek something to hold onto, even there your conscience pricks you to ensure that this frenzy is a part of larger good, after our lovemaking you compulsively talk about love, the love you feel for me, because you feel only under the rubric of love, our passionate love making could be justified. But I am a simple girl Sarthak, I seek small abodes of mine, where possibilities are limited, I seek someone who is limited, well, someone who does not so much about love, as only he could be loved. Maybe all this is wrong Sarthak, but I did owe you this explanation, I also feel you deserve someone much better than me'.

'If I am a sky Pankh, then I am doomed, sky will never be able to love anyone, it would provide roof for love to blossom'.

We applied for a divorce, got it easily. After my separation from Pankh, I could have cursed myself, for my virtues, for my vision of love, for my ideas, for my equation of love with virtue, but I didn't, atleast let me be sky the role in which my Pankh saw me.

Only a few months after my separation, I heard of Pankh's suicide. There were many rumors, but I knew the truth, sky has killed my Pankh. She could not create an abode of her own, in this overtly illuminated and opinionated world. Her eyes must have sought a place, which is limited, where lives are not determined according to any external reference be it God, destiny, nation or justice, all these vast conceptions which competes with sky, but she never found any.

How every fiber of my being crave love for her, how deeply I want to hug her and tell her, I will limit myself, I will never reduce our love to any larger or universal reality, I will never seek the lights of the universe for the glittering of our love, rather I will cohort with your eyes and make an abode, which would resemble the depths of your eyes. But my Pankh is long gone. I never entered into any relationship with anyone. Memories of Pankh are all that I have. Pankh saw me as a sky, I decided that I would be, I would articulate theories of love, of God, so that love could blossom under my roof, after all, after Pankh I do not seek love from anyone, so I could afford to be sky now, but the more I talk about love, of loves relation with the universe, the more possibilities I weave, I feel I am further illuminating this world, by evoking these vast ideas I am bringing the sky more closer to our world, the vast sky may consume our world and with it all those possible abodes which are secluded, which resemble the eyes of my Pankh. This would be the final dilemma of my life; I do not even seek to resolve it.

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