Dear People Who Suffer From Self-Hate

Like what you read? To read more, join me on my journey of self-growth at my website: www.unravels.org

Dear You:

Pain, Confusion, Weakness and Frustration - As night descends upon a city, and young adults wander the streets as cold and empty as their eyes, they might struggle with certain thoughts that are more obscure than the darkness that surrounds them. Even as the golden sun shines against the blue sky, the bright light has faded from the eyes of young adults who force a half-hearted smile on their faces - desperately hoping that no one else will notice the deep, brutal pain that hides behind their eyes. When day becomes night, and night becomes day, a young adult's unhealed pain can feel like an unfair burden that seems permanent and inescapable. What is an attitude that can cause this pain to linger inside your own conscience?

Self-Hate.

In the dictionary, the word Hate is defined as "intense hostility and aversion." In the English language, the word Hate began to emerge before the 900s, and comes from old European dialects such as Old English hatian, Old Norse hata and German hassen. The thesaurus has different synonyms for the word "Hate" such as Malevolence, Animosity, Repugnance and Odium. Other words, such as Love and Compassion, are antonyms to Hate.

Our world's many languages have different words for Hate - as different humans sit, stand and pray near windows. Near the lush, green rainforests in South America, there are tiny villages nestled among the trees where elderly grandmothers - with their cheerful smiles and colorful dresses - teach their grandchildren to embrace Amor that will overcome Odio. In Spanish kitchens with tortillas and tacos, the bright windows often shine gorgeous sunlight into these children's eyes. In the Middle East, as bearded men kneel on the floors inside giant mosques, they pray for spiritual guidance with the Akrhh (اكرهه) and Hubun (حب) that influence their hearts and minds. In gigantic mosques such as the Nasir ol Molk, there are colorful windows that bring sunlight into the polished, marble corridors. In Asia, where artists delicately paint calligraphy onto blank canvas, they might focus on their Ai (愛) for certain emotions such as Happiness and Peace - but as shadows begin to taint their masterpiece, their eyes might become melancholic as they suddenly remember their Kirai (嫌い) for other emotions such as Pain and Confusion. These Japanese artists might gaze forlornly out their windows, at the pink Sakura trees that shine brighter than the dark thoughts that haunt their minds. Across India, there are beautiful women in saris and men with large, silk turbans as they lovingly pat their animals. In Hindu temples, with windows decorated with flowers and spices, there are swamis and gurus who teach the importance of overcoming Nafarat (नफ़रत) with Mohabbat (मोहब्बत) to protect the cows, birds and monkeys that depend on humans to survive. In Africa, as intelligent Nigerians and Ethiopians touch the soil with their fingers, they focus on certain agricultural techniques that will honor their Ni Ife for Earth - and the need to challenge other people who have too much Chuki and disrespect towards the environment. When the African sun sets on the horizon, these farmers might stand near their dark windows to plan their crops for the next morning. In Europe, there are historians who explore abandoned castles with curiosity and Liebe in their hearts - but they might suppress La Haine in their eyes once they glance outside the dusty windows and notice businesspeople standing outside - bankers and lawyers who are eager to demolish the castle to reconstruct a mall there.

Across our world, as different humans sit and stand near different windows, they might sigh with defeat as their delicate fingers touch the glass, gazing at a world that seems unfair and cruel to them. The next time you find yourself near a window, and you are tempted to hate yourself, I want you to take a deep breath and remember a Latin phrase: Visum Electi.

Confused? Well, let us explore the causes and effects behind Self-Hate first.

What is Self-Hate?
Frustration, disappointment, jealousy and sadness are different emotions that come from Self-Hate. For your own mental health, differentiating between attitudes and emotions is important because a certain attitude can cause certain emotions to emerge within your conscience. An attitude is a long-term, permanent perspective that you deliberately choose to perceive life while an emotion is often a temporary sentiment that you inadvertently experience during a difficult situation - a situation that may eventually disappear from your life in a matter of weeks, months and even a few years. Why is differentiating between attitudes and emotions so important? Well, if you choose the wrong attitude about life, you will also allow the wrong emotions to appear (and remain) within your conscience. As a human, you will endure so much pain in your life - and you must ensure that your own thoughts and behaviors never add more (unnecessary) pain in your life.

As an emotion, Self-Hate is actually quite common (and tolerable) for young adults as long as they treat this emotion as "temporary." After a difficult situation, Self-Hate can gradually disappear from young adults' minds as long as they focus on positive thoughts that will reinforce Self-Love back into their hearts. As an attitude, Self-Hate starts to cause tremendous damage to young adults' consciences once they allow harsh self-criticism and unrealistic perfectionism to affect their own perceptions about life over a long period of time.

If Self-Hate stays in your heart long enough, certain emotions might corrupt your mind, such as:

A) Frustration: In the dictionary, the word Frustration is defined as "The feeling of being upset or annoyed, especially because of inability to change or achieve something." During difficult situations, you might become easily frustrated with yourself for being "weak" and damaged." You might feel like you are stuck and trapped in your own life - when you actually have tremendous power to improve the circumstances around you.

B) Disappointment (and Sadness): In the dictionary, the word Disappointment is defined as "The feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfillment of one's hopes or expectations." In the dictionary, the word Sadness is defined as "Affected by unhappiness or grief." After a difficult situation nearly destroys your life, you might start to feel worthless - "a human who never deserves to be happy." If you continue to let Self-Hate corrupt your mind, you will eventually start to self-sabotage and self-destruct because your low self-esteem deceives you into thinking that you are a "worthless human" with "unrealistic, foolish expectations" for "a happiness that is actually impossible to achieve in this cruel world." Hopelessness lies to you, and you must be brave enough to push more Hope back into your conscience, so you can have enough strength to pursue happiness again in the future.

C) Jealousy: In the dictionary, the word Jealousy is defined as "Feeling resentment against other people because of their rivalry, success, or advantages." When you hate yourself, you also hate other people's achievements and accomplishments because their success is a brutal "kick-in-the-face" (a painful reminder) that you are still "a failure" in your own life. Only people who are confident in themselves can be genuinely happy for others, because a self-confident man is fully aware that another man's success never detracts from his own self-worth. A self-confident woman embraces the beauty of other women in her life because she fully acknowledges that she is beautiful in her own, unique way.

How Does Identity Play A Role In Self-Hate?
Self-Hate normally comes from low self-esteem - but how do children and teenagers even gain low self-esteem in the first place? In the dictionary, the word Self-Esteem is defined as "confidence in one's own worth or abilities." For decades, many psychologists and scientists had various theories about the particular factors that push Self-Hate into a human's conscience. Self-Hate begins to affect a human's heart and mind once that person suffers from an identity crisis. That person might become lost in this world - but that human only has to remember where they came from so they will know where to go in the future. Here are some ideas that you should keep in mind when remembering your own identity:

Nature versus Nurture: This particular debate is the scientific, cultural and philosophical discourse about whether a human's personality is shaped by nature or nurture. The word Nature describes the genetic predisposition that someone is born with, while the word Nurture encompasses the different thoughts and behaviors that a person consciously (and subconsciously) adopts from their social environment.

1. Family Tension: In the dictionary, the word Family is defined as "All the descendants of a common ancestor; a group of humans who share the same genealogical bloodline."

2. Cultural Expectations: In the dictionary, the word Culture is defined as "The nuanced beliefs, customs and arts that belong to a particular society."

3. Gender Norms: In the dictionary, the word Gender is defined as "The behavioral, cultural, or psychological traits typically associated with one sex."

4. Socioeconomic Status: In the dictionary, the word Finances is defined as "The assets, liabilities, revenues and debt within an individual's bank account."

5. Religious Adherence: In the dictionary, the word Religion is defined "The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods."

Identity Crisis: In the dictionary, the word Identity is defined as "The sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time." Why is Identity such an important factor for a person's mental health? When a young man fails to define who he is (on his own terms) he subconsciously allows other people to define who he is for him - thus relinquishing his own freedom to determine his fate. When a young woman fails to remember where she came from, she might land in the same situation that she painstakingly tried to avoid in the past. Without an identity, a young adult easily becomes lost and directionless in our modern society - mindlessly wandering the streets without a proper sense of who they are and where they ultimately want to end. In your own life, you have to remember that the five different aspects of your identity (family, culture, gender, socioeconomic status and religion) merely represent the first steps in your journey of self-growth - since you were born with a powerful free will that will determine your last steps. At any moment, you can say to yourself "I actually feel uncomfortable with the situation that I was born into - and I actually have the power to walk away from outdated perspectives that no longer benefit my life. I was born with free will - and I have the power to choose certain decisions that will lead to long-term happiness for myself, as well as inner peace."

How Can I Start Removing Self-Hate From My Conscience?
When a child becomes a young adult, Self-Hate normally arises in that person's conscience under two different circumstances: Slowly (over a long period of time) or all at once (suddenly and unexpected).

1. Inculcation: In the dictionary, the word Inculcation is defined as "The instilling of knowledge or values in someone, usually by repetition." When young children are raised in a house with a tense and stressful atmosphere, where parents ignore and neglect their children's emotional needs, these children eventually become teenagers and young adults who feel "broken, incomplete and damaged." When parents are intentionally abusive, their hurtful words often weaken their child's self-esteem, pushing that child to eventually become an adult who questions their own inner strength in handling difficult challenges on their own. Sometimes, parents are inadvertently abusive - when certain adults focus more on their careers and less on their children, these children eventually suffer from neglect and feeling "abandoned."

2. Junctures: In the dictionary, the word Juncture is defined as "A point of time, especially one made critical or important by a concurrence of circumstances." Sometimes, people suffer from unexpected situations that completely blindside them. Divorce, unemployment, physical illness (such as cancer) and sexual assault are different examples of "junctures" that completely changed people's lives. When a particular juncture happens in your own life, your self-esteem can suffer tremendous damage if you allow your most painful memory to deceive you into thinking that you are "weak and permanently damaged."

If you feel like your Self-Hate has come from Inculcation, then you have to make the conscious decision in the near future to start "untangling" and "dismantling" the negative thoughts that have been entrenched into your mind for years. Yes, learning to be positive and optimistic in your life can take years, but there is Hope for you. There is always Hope. Start small. In your office, post inspirational words onto the wall near your desk, so you can see these words every single day while you type on your computer. Follow Facebook and Instagram accounts that focus on daily inspiration and positivity - encouragement that you see consistently on your own social media. When a negative thought tries to enter your mind, you must train yourself to replace that negative thought immediately with a positive thought. You must learn to maintain a steady balance between negative thoughts and positive thoughts for your own mental health.

If you never had enough encouragement as a child and teenager in your own home, I would love to say these words to you: I am so proud of you. I am so proud of who you are because you felt courageous enough to fix your problem on your own. I am sorry (deeply, truly and genuinely) sorry that you never heard those words enough when you were young - but now that you are an adult, you must learn to give yourself the encouragement that you desperately craved in the past. When you look at your reflection in the mirror, start telling yourself, "I will no longer search for the love that I should be giving to myself." I am sorry that your parents pushed you into a difficult situation with their unrealistic expectations, compromising your own dignity and self-respect just to "prove your worth" to them, but I will remind you of your fundamental human right:

You never have to prove your worth to anyone.
You always have worth - even when no one else cheers, applauds and claps for you.

(I am actually fighting back tears in my eyes as I write these words to you. Goodness, tears are actually falling down my face now! These tears are painful - stinging my cheeks. Can you give me a minute? I have to stand away from my desk and close my laptop)

(OK, I am back)

If your Self-Hate came from a particular Juncture in your life, then you have to remember that you are the hero of your own story. Yes, one bad chapter in your past nearly destroyed your will to live - but you always have the chance to pursue happiness in other chapters in the future. You are never defined by your problems and challenges. You are only defined by your reactions to those problems and challenges.

You are never defined by the way you begin your story. You are only defined by the way you choose to end your story.

Across our world, as different humans sit and stand near different windows, they might sigh with defeat as their delicate fingers touch the glass, gazing at a world that seems unfair and cruel to them. The next time you find yourself near a window, and you are tempted to hate yourself, I want you to take a deep breath and remember a Latin phrase: Visum Electi.

In English, Visum Electi means "chosen view."

Imagine that your own mind is like a house, and a window represents your own perspective about the world. When you stand inside a house in real life, and you gaze out into the world through a mud-stained window, does that mean the world outside is ugly? No, because even if a window is too dirty for you to see the world accurately - with soot and grime that needs to be cleaned from the glass - the world outside is still beautiful with trees and a big, blue sky.

Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you love yourself.

If you hate yourself, you are obviously going to hate everything else in this world. Everything will look ugly to you - but you must learn to scrape and wipe away any negative thoughts that prevent you from seeing the real beauty that exists around you.

There are so many beautiful, miraculous things in this world -
including you.

Signed,
Your friend who cares.