Maternal

Word count: 1428

Anna looked at her baby son suckling at her breast. She tried to find all the beautiful things about the baby: the tiny hair that grew at the tip of the ear, the plump, round foot, the wrinkly little fingers that curled around her thumb. The baby fell asleep with a drop of milk falling down its cheek. It was perfect, just like newborns are. Still Anna couldn't find that famous maternal love in her.

The pregnancy had been a surprise. Anna and her fiance Michael had just gotten engaged and children were planned for some distant time in the future. Michael had been over the moon when Anna told him the news and Anna had put on a brave smile to convince both others and herself that this was indeed good news. She had joined online discussion groups where other pregnant women had proudly portrayed their growing bellies, fought over the best sleeping arrangements, and been excited over whichever baby room decoration or supposedly necessary gadget was the hit product of that day. Anna had waited for that moment when he nest building instinct would kick in, or when she would start feeling love for the life that was growing inside her. Those moments never came.

Maybe the love would come when she would actually see the baby, Anna had thought. Maybe she just hadn't quite grasped that it was real, that she was really going to be a mother. Once it would be real and tangible, surely she would feel strong, positive feelings towards her little baby. She thought that a mother who doesn't love her baby must be a psychopath or something, and she couldn't believe that she would be such a monster. Anna had waited anxiously for the birth of her baby, not only because she was afraid of the delivery itself, but also because she wanted so badly to find that love, and was so worried that she would never feel it.

The delivery went by the book, and while she was still shaking a little from the effort of pushing the baby out, the nurses had set the crying, helpless creature on her chest. Michael had been there, glowing and crying from happiness, whispering to her that she and their little son were the most perfect couple. Anna had carefully touched the baby's forehead that still had some white goo on it and wondered where had that small being come from. Was this baby really hers? Was this what put her through the torture of giving birth? If it was indeed her own child, why wasn't she feeling ecstatic and being filled with love?

The baby was now four weeks old. For four weeks it had forced Anna to follow its rhythm of eating, sleeping, and changing a soiled diaper. The moments the baby spent sleeping Anna spent dreading for the moment when it would let out another demanding cry. When it did cry Anna would get heavily off the couch or bed, change its diaper like a robot, and offer it her breast only to cry out of pain when the baby latched on. Anna’s nipples were sore and breastfeeding was far from the beautiful bonding moment she had expected it to be. She was tired, constantly covered in spit and sweat, and felt like she was completely alone with her pain and frustration.

Anna pressed her nose against the sleeping baby's head and took a deep breath. Sometimes the baby smell would help her feel happiness for a short moment. She felt the hormones rushing through her body as the smell of her child filled her lungs. This time they didn't bring a smile but a feeling of complete failure. Heavy tears fell on the sleeping baby. She wanted to run away, get away from this nightmare. She had read all about the importance of early bonding and how these first months would set the foundation for baby's whole life. Clearly she wouldn't be able to provide him with all the things he needed to have a good start for life.

Clearly he would be better off without her.

She put the baby carefully into a crib and watched him sleeping for a while. He was beautiful when he was completely relaxed like that. Anna waited, listened, if the maternal instinct would appear after all. If the baby that was sleeping peacefully would suddenly feel like hers, not just like some random baby that was given to her custody. But nothing happened.

“You deserve to be with someone who loves you,” she whispered in the dim room and sneaked away.

She took a shower and put on some fresh clothes. Then she wrote a note and left it on the kitchen counter, before writing another message on her phone and sending it to Michael. She took one more look at the baby who was still sleeping peacefully, grabbed her handbag, and stepped out the door.

The sun seemed blindingly bright outside. Anna breathed in the smell of bird cherry and freshly cut grass. Her sandals made a quiet flapping sound that almost drowned into the sound of wind blowing through trees and birds chirping excitedly. Anna felt like she was walking in a dream. The world around her was alive and happy, while she was only a shadow gliding through it. But at least she was free.

She walked to a park where children were lining up at an ice cream stand and an elderly couple strolled slowly admiring some rose bushes. A mother with a stroller walked past her and smiled at her kindly. The smile seemed to float in the air, not able to find Anna's consciousness. Right when the stroller was at Anna's side a baby's cry pierced through the colourful fabric covering the stroller. The baby's mother rushed to see what was the matter. Anna saw how she carefully picked up the small baby and lovingly whispered soothing words to its ear.

Suddenly she was filled with panic. She had left her baby! The sound of baby crying echoed in her ears as she ran back home as fast as she could. The sound became real when she opened the front door. The baby was awake in its crib crying with what sounded just as desperate panic as what was storming through Anna's every fiber.

Anna picked up her baby and held him close to her, frantically repeating “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry”. Soon the baby started to calm down and Anna dared to sit down on the edge of the bed with him. She cradled the baby in her arms and looked at its wet eyes and smooth skin that was red from all the screaming. She placed little kisses on the baby's fingers and tried to smile reassuring through her own tears.

At that moment something magical happened: the baby smiled. He looked deep into Anna's eyes and carefully tried lifting one corner of his mouth. It was the tiniest smile but one that lit up whole of the baby's small face. His eyes shined happiness as he looked at his mother.

That happiness reached Anna as well, filling her with love and joy. She laughed out loud in hysterical sobs. Her baby stared at her intensively. When the baby's face turned serious, Anna babbled to him something incoherent and smiled so widely that her cheeks almost hurt. She was rewarded with another radiant smile that she never wanted to go away.

She was forced to pay attention to the outside world again when her phone rang. It was Michael, asking why she had asked him to come home. He sounded concerned and Anna almost laughed at the contrast between her end of the line and his worried voice.

“Everything's fine. I had a difficult moment but it's gone now. And guess what Michael? The baby smiled! He looked at me and smiled!”

Michael clearly wasn't very impressed by this news. As soon as Anna had assured him that he didn't need to rush home, he said goodbyes. For a moment Anna wondered why he didn't understand the enormity of this moment, but soon her thoughts were all on the baby again. He flashed another smile and Anna basked in its light like it had been the first sunshine after a long, dark winter.

She realised that in her mind the baby had suddenly become “him” instead of “it”. He had finally become her baby, one that belonged to her arms.

And she had finally become a mother, all the way to her heart.