Personality Part 1

Monsters are just part of the imagination.

There is no such thing as monsters. In the way we think of monsters, at least. Sure, we have warlords and tyrants, and murderers, and we call them monsters but the real monsters don't exist. The things with the tentacles and the teeth, and the claws, and the grin and the horns and the scales? Those monsters don't exist. Everyone tells me this and yet, I find it hard to believe them. Of course, in some sense, I do believe them. You can't touch them or hurt them, but what about the mind?

Imagination is very powerful so maybe these monsters can exist inside but never outside. I mean, I can see them but they aren't real. I can see them but they aren't real. That's what my doctor says anyway.

I can see them but they aren't real.

It had all started one day when I woke up in the godforsaken room I am in now. I'm not sure how I know so much for remembering so little but they say amnesia works like that somehow. I repress those memories that are too traumatic for me.

The room is very white. I think it was padded, maybe because I'm crazy. I think I've been here for about a week now, and I've asked a lot of questions. I didn't feel crazy, so I wanted to know why I was locked up alone. They wouldn't tell me, but it was so I didn't lose my memory forever, because that can happen. I'm willing to trust them but, I'm not sure if they want to tell me the truth which is what I want.

I woke up in a cold sweat today, I was very very afraid and I didn't know why. I told the doctors and they explained it as very normal. My subconscious feeling anxious or whatnot. A nightmare I couldn't remember. Life felt painful. I didn't know if I wanted to live like this. I wasn't feeling helped.

Today was a bit different.

The doctors told me about my problem. An accident had given me short term memory loss. The fact I've made it this far was amazing. I should have forgotten by now. Maybe I was getting better. They told me they were waiting a week before telling me. When I was told the first time, I tried to kill myself, and that's why I was in the padded room.

It made sense.
They told me I was prone to depression because of my past suicidal tendencies. It was all beginning to make sense now.

I was allowed to wander the hospital today. It was rather fun. I saw everything I missed out on while I was in the padded room. I was even allowed to eat lunch with the other people. To me they seemed a bit out there, but I am in a looney bin. They told me where I was too. It's called Pearson's Mental Health Care Hospital. There were windows too but the outside was nothing special. We were on the outskirts of a city. They wouldn't tell me which. I saw people driving to work and bustling about.

I wanted to go outside, so my doctor, Dr. Venke, brought me to the garden. It was soothing to me. I walked around and smelled the flowers, looked at the sand and the little pebbles, so perfectly put together. I really liked the garden, because of how soothing it was. I wouldn't mind for my room to be right here.

The day was ended with dinner, which prompted me to have to go back to my room. I was given some incentive to stay there, though. If I could just remember another week, I could have free access like a normal resident and get a normal room that was not the kind for wackos that killed people.

The dream I had was a bit weird. Splotches of color, a little red, some blue, some yellow, and the whole rainbow. Maybe it was a scene I couldn't see yet. Maybe I was starting to remember. I could feel myself in the dream and tried to stretch my arms out. I could feel myself being stuck in place. There wasn't enough information and I couldn't do anything. Maybe later, my memory would get better.

When I sleep again I'll try harder.

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I was able to pass the week with nothing lost in the head but I did lose some personals.

The pebble I took from the garden somehow ended back in the garden. No clue how. I lost a shoe which ended up in another patient's room too. It was very odd until you realize that there are people in here for insatiable urges to steal. He was trying to get everyone's shoes but fell short.

I did find it a bit strange that people seemed to stare at me everywhere I went but I knew that was easily a bar trick. Tomorrow is when I can finally get a better room than the white nothingness I'm in now.

I didn't tell the doctors about my dream last night. I didn't tell anyone. The pain was bad though.

I began to move into my new room, which was a lot nicer than what I can only call a cell at this point. I was almost all moved in with my clothing all neatly packed away when Dr. Venke came in.

"What is this we found in your room?" Dr Venke asked, "Is this blood? Mr. Rucci please tell me where this came from?"

"Oh, I, uh... I swear it was an accident." I replied, "I accidently cut myself. I don't know how. It just kept on bleeding but I didn't want to make a big deal."

"Where were you cut?"

"Something might have broken in the bed or something. It's a small scratch on my back. No big deal."

Dr. Venke dropped the sheets with a fair amount of blood on them and pulled up my shirt. He ran his hands along the mark, and I let out a small grunt. It was very painful.

"Well, okay. I'm sending you to the infirmary, just in case. You should be fine. Just tell me next time, okay?"

I nodded and finished putting my clothes away before going to the infirmary. I didn't want to make a big deal because it isn't a big deal.

Dreams are just dreams. They happen because of real world events, so maybe, the dream I had was just because I got cut and didn't realize it.

There is nothing to be afraid of.

===============

It had only gotten worse. I don't know why. Every night I was drenched in sweat and found myself grasping for breath. The cuts kept happening, and not a single doctor knew why. I knew why, but no one would believe me. They don't exist they said. It's just you, they said. I knew the truth because it was the darkness.

In the padded room, the lights never went out. You had to go under the covers and hope that the little darkness there would lull you to sleep.

In this room it was deafening.

The darkness was everywhere and the monsters could come out screaming, and scratching and biting. Those marks were claw marks, as they pulled at my back and ate my muscles. I couldn't save myself and could only take the pain. There were so many in one room, each face mutilated and scarred beyond belief. Burned hair and jagged teeth.

It was all a dream, they don't exist.

It could be true that they don't exist. 5 days in the 3rd week I screamed the loudest I could, and said 2 simple words. Go away. It seemed to have worked. They left, and I got a good night's rest.

My back at this point looked like a scabbed mess, and the doctors all around me started to concoct a plan. They decided that I should sleep in a straight jacket, to be safe. It sounded like a good idea to them, because they thought I was scratching myself, but I knew better.

I was nothing but dead meat at that point.

That night, once I was strapped in, they came. This time, no amount of yelling could save me. They stared at me and grinned with their sharp teeth, licking with their barbed tongues. I took the defeat and sat there waiting for death. The monsters would eat me like in the books.

===============

I woke up the next morning tired.

Dr. Venke had untied me and explained the screaming I had done the night before was worrying. Maybe I should be brought back to the padded room so if I scream, I'm not heard by the other patients. It felt demeaning.

I'm being haunted by what I can only assume are demons, which decided to keep me alive out of sheer torture for the next night, and they are concerned by the noises I'm making to be saved. It felt horrible. Of course, I objected. Maybe if they gave me a knife to have by my bed, I could fight off the monsters and stop the screaming. They wouldn't dare go near me if I fought back. Dr. Venke, of course, said no.

The 4th week came by and I had barely gotten any sleep.

The monsters kept taunting me. I could have sworn one said, "The month's almost up, and then you'll become one of us."

I think I understood what was happening. They weren't eating me because they were going to make into one of them. A monster.

I thought that when I was brought back to the padded room, I would be safer, with the light. Somehow the monsters can turn them off. They do it almost at the same time every night. They do it to taunt me, to show me they're in control.

Well, I wouldn't let that happen. The next night, I would fight back in the only way I could.

===============

It happened fast, so fast that I didn't know what had actually happened.

I bit the thing and it tasted like metal. In retaliation the monster bit back and took a piece of my arm with it. I screamed in pain and broke free of the jacket.

I ran to the corner, where immediately the monsters moved out of my way as I tried to use the padded walls of the room to stop the bleeding. Everything felt red. Was this what they meant by danger? A danger to myself?

In reality, the monsters were the danger, but no one else could see them. The monsters were the ones endangering me.

The monsters stayed away from me after that. They stayed at the back of the room whimpering. "We just wanted to help," they said. They were afraid of me.

I had won.

===============

The day after the final attack, the doctors said they found me unconscious. The monster had ripped open an artery and I lost a lot of blood.
It took me a few days to recover but even when I was weak, the monsters would hide in the corners of the room like the cowards they are. The first sign of resistance of their monstrosity and they cower like small animals.

Things were looking up as I got my old room back, reports said that the screaming stopped and I never felt happier.

On the final day of the month, I was victorious. I wasn't turned into a monster. I counted the monsters that were left and looked at the biggest baddest one and said, " You lost!"

Out of the 6 that there were, he was the only one who spoke back. "No, we live on. You are the one that didn't let us in."

That was it. They were gone.

===============

I wake up the next day like normal and went to the garden with some breakfast. I hadn't made any friends in this place because everyone felt a bit too off for me.

I was content with working on this zen garden. I had arranged it so well. It felt homely.

I still didn't remember things from before. If I did, none of it made sense. Like that dream of colors. Everything about it felt pleasant, but I feel like it has something to do with my accident. Maybe it was a car crash and there was fire. I could have killed someone. These thoughts floated around before Dr. Venke came and got me.

"I have something to show you, Mr. Rucci. Follow me."

I quietly obliged and followed him over to the elevator. We went go down. I had only ever been on the the second floor of the hospital so this felt like a new start, maybe a family member had come to see me.

I was excited.

I was confused when we past the 1st floor and went to B. The basement. I still followed Dr. Venke, but I was a little worried. We went into a room off the main hallway and followed some paths to a room full of people I had never seen before.

Memories were coming back as I walked into this room and not a single one was good.

The colors began to mix and make a cohesive picture and I started to run, but the door was locked.

Some muscly man pulled me towards the middle of the room and sat me down in what looked like an electric chair.

Dr. Venke spoke lightly. "Now Mr. Rucci, we want to stress that this procedure will not bring you any pain. It is a new technology to help with amnesia. We might be able to restore your memory."

All I said to him was, "I remember you, bastard."

"Oh, so you know what I'm saying is complete bullshit then. Mr. Rucci, this time we were on schedule but I urge you. When you wake up don't go poking around in the closet. There are monsters in there."

And then...

I woke up in what looked to be a padded room.