Fat

I learned in life that all people are both thin and fat at the same time. And I met some people who are fat in body, but thin in confidence and self-esteem, while some of them are thin in body, but fat in shallowness and indifference. And somewhere along the way it became more important to be thin in body than fat in love, kindness and creativity.

At some point during our journey we left the fat people behind, because we're thin and therefore walk faster. And instead of slowing down and reaching out for them to help we're saying 'THEY should run faster!' and 'THEY should get thin!'.

Being fat is unhealthy. I've heard this a million times, yet no one ever cared about my health. When I started losing weight they never thought that maybe I lack vitamins or calcium, that I get dizzy and blurry everytime I stand up, that I start trembling out of the blue or that I catch a cold ten times faster than I did before (and yes, a doctor provided my diet for me) - now I can run as fast as they can, so I must be fine! But I did hear 'Wow! You look so beautiful!'.

I reached the point where I feel guilty everytime I eat something that isn't part of my diet. I look at myself in the mirror and feel like the 40 kg. that I got rid of came back just because of one damn cookie. And if God forbid I dare eat that cookie there is always someone watching out for it, telling me I shouldn't. It doesn't have to be a cookie, it could be an extra egg in the morning... or toast.

When I was fat I heard people telling me 'You'd be so beautiful if you just lost weight!' and once I did I heard 'You should start working out now!'. And I know how this turns out: first you're too fat, then not thin enough, then not fit enough. And when you finally ARE fit enough... you're overdoing it. Nobody cared that much about what you looked like anyway, right?

But being fat is not temporary, because it's not just about your body anymore. It's part of you. And MAYBE you can get rid of those extra pounds, but you can never get rid of what they meant to you.

When I was in middle school, after the Christmas break, I was walking down the hallways towards my classroom and I passed a bunch of 8^th graders on my way. I knew too well they were going to say something, but it still hit me like a cold shower: 'Look! They fattened the pig for the Christmas dinner!'. (Yes, I was the pig). By that time I had already done the walk of shame so many times it got automatic.

When I was in high school I went clothes shopping. Do you know how hard it is to find something that fits the fat? The world is made for thin people and the rest of us should just adapt. As I was entering a shop the two little girls behind me whispered in surprise 'Wow! She's so fat!'. I guess I was abnormal.

And the other day I was telling someone about how I hate eating in public because when I was fat people always made fun of me. The reply was 'It didn't bother you that much if you didn't lose weight until now!'. Because the problem was mine. I was supposed to change so people wouldn't make fun of me, but those people... not. You can't change the way they are.

I reached the conclusion that the most unhealthy part of being fat is people screwing you up. And I am not saying that being fat IS healthy (although I WAS and many people ARE both fat and healthy). But nobody shamed others for colds or chicken pox or headaches.

That's unhealthy too, right?