Saturday night mess.

I apologize beforehand because I am no professional writer. I just have no friends and needed a place to vent.

But to start off I know it was all my fault, I shouldn't have been in there in the first place.

You see two years ago I was raped, I thought my whole world had ended. I no longer saw a reason to be present, I thought that everything that came after that rape was my fault. Well that's a story for another night, right now what you came to read is why the hell I looked up my ex and what happened after I looked him up but in order for you to understand this situation you need to know that at this point in my life I seek love and I leap at any chance I see of finding it.

Three months ago I went out with one of my aunts (not aunt by blood but by marriage,this detail is IMPORTANT) and her sister. We decided to go club hopping because I had just turned 21 a couple months prior but hadn't celebrated because I wasn't feeling it at the time and plus I had no one to celebrate with then. As the night progressed they started getting tired (keep in mind I'm 21 and they are in their 40's) they decided to call their brother who we will call Jim. Jim is a very attractive man even more so when I had a couple drinks in me. My aunt and her sister decide to leave since Jim arrived and so there I was left with Jim, in a club, while I'm drunk and in heels. We ended up leaving and went to eat at a Sharis that was close by. We talked for hours and hours and we laughed and it all felt really good. A couple weeks later we were dating.

Fast forward to now; Jim and I are still dating we came to the conclusion that we need to get married. I know it sounds crazy and you're probably thinking,
"What the fuck? You've only been dating for THREE MONTHS!".
Trust me, I had the same thought.

You see I was born in a very devoted christian family( did I forget to mention my dad is a pastor?) so they don't do the whole, stay out late clubbing or have your boyfriend in your room after nine shit. They were and still are against the whole relationship but they do it respectfully. The only reason they don't let all hell break lose about this is that my boyfriend Jim is also a pastor (I know, I know).

Any who back to the point. As time has passed I have moments when I question if this is who I really want to be with.
For example; I LOVE to travel and during the summer I leave for a month or two and I explore. Once I mentioned that to Jim and his response was,
"Well that's gonna be a problem".
And then here I am thinking what, the fuck do you mean thats gonna be a problem?!

I'm with him because he's a good man and he's so in love with God and I admire that but I don't think he's in love with me and to be honest I don't think I'm in love with him.

Last week my ex messaged me on snapchat. I had posted a short video of myself playing with one of the filters and his message said;
"Stop playing and let me give you my last name.
I've loved you since preschool and I still love you now"

Yes I've known him since preschool and he confessed his love after high school.

I told him I had a boyfriend and that things were pretty serious and he replied with;
"Oh come on you know that wont last but I'll respect it and let you enjoy it. I'll be back in about a year to make you my wife so tell your dude to enjoy you while he can because you'll never be his again".

Obviously I didn't reply to that, I mean I didn't know what the hell to reply. Then yesterday I posted a short video with one of my students (I work with kindergarten) and he sent me a message again this time it said;

"I love how you are around kids, I love your passion and dedication for your work. Stop playing and let me give you my last name, you know its destiny"

I again reminded him of my relationship and how it is serious.

The hard part is when I tell my mom what he's been doing and she says,

"Well I always did like him, such a hard working man, very determined. I wouldn't mind having him as a son-in-law"

So now its midnight and I can't sleep because I'm questioning my decisions.

Am I dating the right person?
Am I dating him for the right reasons?
If I stay in this relationship will he change me?
Do I really want to marry him?
Do I want a good life or do I want a happy life?
What if I leave him and he was really the one?
Does the fact that I'm questioning it mean that he isn't the one?


As I'm thinking all this my phone rings;

"Hello?"

It's him.

"Hey babe"

"Hey, whats up?"

"I was just thinking about you... You're really special to me, you know that?"

I feel like he wants me to repeat that to him but I just can't and all I can do is whisper a;

"Oh yeah?..."

"Yeah. I feel really blessed with you, I'm so thankful that the Lord put you in my life"

At the moment I can't say the same so shamefully under my breath I push out a;

"Yeah?..."

"Hey I'm that the gym is it ok if I call you before you go to sleep tonight?"

"Yeah that's fine"

"Ok then babe, talk to you later"

"Ok, bye"

"Bye, I love you"

Shit, now I know he's gonna expect me to say it back but I don't know if I do;

"Yeah, ok..."

"Hey I said I love you"

I know he'll know something is up if I don't say it back so I say it...

"I... love you too..."

"Bye"

"Bye"

I know this is going to sound bad but I put my phone on "Do Not Disturb" and even as I'm writing I see that it seems like I'm a total bitch but haven't you ever gone through this? Isn't this normal? Am I really a bad person? or is this just a phase?

Don't you ever feel like you don't want to say "I you love" but you also don't want them to know that you're questioning whether you love them or not. So you lie... for that one moment you lie because you think it'll make things easier but it just makes it harder because now that word has no meaning to you and maybe it's just one of those nights were I'm questioning everything for no reason at all.

I don't know. I just had to write this out. I know it's all over the place and it follows no story line but hey thats how my life is at the moment: a total mess.

This has no happy ending at moment so I guess it's "To be Continued"...