I'm Not Sorry

I'm not sorry.

Those words are with me every morning and every night. Can't say I really know why. I don't have anything to apologize for. To apologize is to ask for forgiveness and I wouldn't dare. Not when what I did is so unforgivable. I won't ever apologize.

I'm not sorry.

I open my eyes. Rub my face to clear the sleep away. Time to shave again. I am still the President of the Allied Nations – current state of the world notwithstanding. Even if I'm the only being allowed to see it anymore, there is an image I'm expected to uphold.

Besides, Dole has to be able to recognize me when he comes back. He married a man, not a Neanderthal. And he would be the first person to point out the difference.

I'm not sorry.

Those words are the truth. Used to be that a part of me was sorry. Sickened by all of it. Full to bursting with so much regret I was sick. But wishing couldn't take the codes back. Wishing couldn't lift my thumb from the pad that responded to my print alone. Wishing could never turn back time to before that day.

I'm not sorry.

I was in college the first time I saw him. Sitting beneath one of the trees engineered to hold fluffy white blooms year-round. Twisting the environment into whatever someone wanted to pay for had become a billion dollar business in those days. Technology and creativity had truly taken the cap off of what humans were capable of.

There was a book in his lap and even now, I truly believe he was so deeply involved in the poetry within that he didn't notice me standing dead still on the path, watching him. I think my mouth may have been gaping open, but there's no way to be sure with the way memory tends to fade.

When he did notice, “Nothing beside remains. Round the decay of that colossal wreck...”

“The lone and level sands stretch far away,” I finished when it became obvious he wanted me to. Ozymandias was one of my favorite poems in those days. Now that there isn't much else to think about, I think about that sometimes and know that he'd known that day what the future held. It was like a little hint.

He raised his eyes straight to mine. They were the strangest color, more of a turquoise than just pure blue. That color is burned into my memory after all of the years I spent with them on me. Taking me in. Changing me. Becoming a part of me forever.

I wish I could say that my first words to him – not taken from a poem – were the things that inspired poetry. Words that would make women and men alike weep at their beauty.

I was so struck by his eyes and his skin and his hair and his nose and lips and the bits of smooth skin peeking from his shirt that I couldn't even think of one word. My knees failed me. I dropped to hit the concrete hard. My first word was nothing more than the sound the impact forced out, “Ah.”

He smiled and then he laughed. The sound wasn't human. It couldn't have been. Humans weren't capable of such music, no matter the instrument. He hopped his butt to the side so I could sit beside him. After that, we were never far from each other.

The violin makes the most beautiful sound. Alone or with others, it's so perfect. It doesn't even matter which song is on, every note runs like fingers over every inch of my body. A thousand files of violin music was my one request when I ascended to the presidency. Every president got one and when the world didn't end during their short reign, it remained in the bunker for future presidents to enjoy.

I've walked every inch of this place at least a hundred times. I've seen every request. Some of them only wanted special foods. President Macmillan had a strong taste for all things spicy. And not just spicy. Hotter than hell, spicy. I'm quite amazed the old man could ever stomach anything like it. I tried some and aside from it being almost impossible to eat, it gave me the absolute worst shits of my life.

Another – I can't remember who – liked cheesecake. Freeze-dried cheesecake. That is more than enough on that subject. President Cardenas had a large stuffed bear brought in that she claimed her great-grandfather had killed. Until now, I'd never seen a bear up close. Also until now, I had never climbed on top of a dead bear and pretended to be riding it around the tundra. There are a lot more hours in the day to screw around when you are probably the only one left.

Most interesting find? Dear President Beaufort – may her soul rest peacefully – had used her request to ensure there was a trunk full of sex toys hidden away. Dildos, plugs, clamps...if there was any kind of god out there, I'd ask them to bless her soul wherever it is. I remember learning about Beaufort in school the same as everyone else and she never struck me as some sort of deviant. If anything, the opposite. A kind grandmother figure.

Took me a good couple of weeks to get past all of the things my overactive imagination could show me. That wasn't to say I hadn't enjoyed her request a time or ten. Again, bless her soul.

The words on the bag said that the meal I grabbed for today was Beef Stroganoff. It didn't really matter. After about a year, all of the foods started to taste about the same.

Dole was the one who urged me in this direction. The campaign was hard, the things I had to do to win went so far against my nature that I wanted to quit so bad. And then he showed me everything. His every truth.

“I can't do this. I'm done.” The room was getting smaller. Eventually it would crush me the way this whole campaign was. It was a horrible, nasty business and I didn't understand how I'd ever thought I could make a difference in this world.

“Conner – ”

“No!” I was suddenly on my feet. Energy vibrated through my body and I needed to do something before it shook me into little pieces. I started pacing the room.

Dole's arm caught me across the chest after a couple passes. He turned me, putting his forehead to mine. “Please...just calm down. We can talk about this.”

“I'm done.” I kept my voice soft. Anything louder and I thought it might lead to screaming. “I'm done, Dole. I can't...be this. It's not me.”

Dole pressed our lips together and I would never admit how much that one thing could calm me. “I need to show you something.”

Dole tried to pull away from me and I grabbed him. I pulled him in tight to my front, hands on his ass. This would definitely take care of the nervous energy. “Later.”

I tried to kiss him and he dodged me. That was the first time that had ever happened. I was so shocked, I let go of him. Dole smiled as he backed away, but it was a heavy, sad smile. “I want to. So bad. But you need to see this. Now. It's...it's really important.”

Dole looked away from me and when he looked back, his eyes were gone. No...not gone. A solid metallic green filled the whole of each socket. Dole fidgeted, looking more nervous than I had ever seen him.

Dole stripped off his clothes and I dropped into a seat when I backed into the bed. I hadn't even noticed I was moving. Completely naked, Dole pressed a finger behind his ear. He muttered something that didn't sound like any language I'd ever heard. What I could catch of the sounds, anyway.

A line appeared in the middle of his face. It continued down the center of his chest and down his stomach. The line slid apart as other lines appeared on each of Dole's legs.

Underneath his skin, he was a deep dark red. Small appendages pulled away from where they'd been pressed into his torso. They made me think of the legs on a centipede, only about a hundred times larger. It was the same for his legs, smaller legs twisted together to create a more human shape.

I'd seen enough. “What...what is this?”

“This is why I need you to become president.” Dole held an arm out to me and several of them moved together, reaching. “Conner, please – ”

“No. What's happening? No.” I pulled at my hair. The pain helped me think a little and I ran for the door. The room swirled around me and Dole was suddenly between me and the only exit.

His skin – his human skin – had folded up by itself until it was nothing more than a flesh-colored coat. Dole shrugged out of it and it hit the floor with a thick, wet sound. “Conner, I can't let you leave like this. You'll get yourself killed. Please, just sit back down.”

My eyes focused on the strange mouth with all its little parts and couldn't make sense of how he was even speaking in a way I could understand him. With Dole's voice. It didn't look like a mouth designed for human speech. Shaking my head, I backed away. The open door to the bathroom caught my eye and I turned. Before I got the door shut and locked, I saw that Dole hadn't yet moved.

Too many footsteps outside. I backed away from the door. All of my attention was on listening to that thing coming closer to the door, so I didn't notice the bathtub coming up behind me. The world spun and I knocked my head on the wall while my legs stuck out over the side.

Dole's voice was just suddenly at the door. He – it? – sounded worried. “Conner? Are you okay? I heard a thump.”

I stayed still. Maybe if I could stay quiet enough, Dole would leave. He wasn't anything more than a bug, right? How much of his attention could he keep on one thing?

The instant I realized how I sounded inside my own hand, I felt sick. Dole was still in there deeper than the buggy exterior. The cover isn't everything. Wasn't that what I always used to say?

There was a soft knock on the door. “If you don't at least say something, then I have to assume that you're unconscious and I need to break this door down to help you. Don't think I won't.”

Conner took a deep breath. He could see Dole's strange new form every time he blinked. “I need you to leave.”

“I can't do that.”

“Not...not permanently.” I hauled myself out of the tub to sit on the side. Why Dole had requested something old like this, I have no idea. He could be so disgustingly vintage sometimes. “I need a little...time?”

“You have a campaign rally tomorrow. I need to be with you. It looks better for the voters.”

I rubbed my face. “'Campaign rally?' Do you seriously think I can still go do that when I just found out...”

There was a clicking sound and I couldn't help imagining all of those legs bumping each other. Maybe the door, too. “I'm going to cover up again. It's hard to breathe your air like this.”

“The...suit...helps you breathe?”

“Yes. So you don't have to worry about seeing me like that again.” He laughed and it was the laugh I fell in love with. “You have to keep with the campaign. You have to become president.”

“Why? What could be so important?”

There was a long pause. “Earth is the only planet we've found that can possibly sustain us. But we can't just move here. Things have to change.”

“What kind of things?”

“Things that only the President of the Allied Nations can do.”

“Is Dole even your real name?” I stretched when I stood. There were a couple sore spots, but nothing too bad.

“Sort of. Dolevaryi Matashyishshsh...” It devolved from letters I could understand into a series of hisses.

I glanced at the mirror and stopped. My skin was more pale than I think I'd ever seen it. I liked my lips. My mouth had gone dry. “I think sticking with Dole is going to be my best bet.”

Dole chuckled. “Probably.”

“You lied to me.”

“I'm sorry. Trust me, I've almost told you a million times. But I was so scared. I mean, if I showed you this on the first date, you would have run away from me screaming.”

“You don't know that.” I put my forehead against the door. “Twenty-two years. You've been lying for twenty-two years.”

“Conner, come out. Let me show you I'm still the same person. Let me show you how much I love you. If you can't deal after that, I'll leave and you never have to see me again.”

I unlocked the door and opened it. Dole had moved to stand several feet from the door. He had both of his hands up to show that he wasn't a threat and he wasn't wearing a stitch of clothing. He looked completely normal, but there was no way I could pretend that I hadn't seen what I had.

“I'm still me, Conner. We fell in love in University. We've been everywhere together. Dined in Italy. Drank in Germany. Danced in Spain. Saw all of America. That was the same me as is standing before you now. Nothing's changed about me.”

“But I know, now. You're some kind of...bug-man. This,” I waved my hand at Dole's body, “this is fake.”

“I've worn this suit for over half my life. It's more real to me than...that. Every second I've spent with you has been real. Every time I've touched you,” Dole reached a hand toward me and I shook my head. Not yet.

Dole rubbed his thumb on the gold band on his left hand. “I love you. Why else would I put up with my crazy artist?”

I smiled and it faded just as quick. “You pushed me into politics because...? Is there some invasion you need help with?”

“It's more like salvation. Please, I...” Dole was trembling. His throat kept working until he found the words he wanted. “I'm sorry I had to lie to you, but I'm not sorry that I got to live these twenty years with you. You don't ever have to see it again, but if you can't take what I am...then I'll go. Just say the words.”

I forced my feet forward until I was only a step from Dole. I put one hand flat on his chest. Dole felt the same as he always had. A little softer with age, just like me. I thought about asking if it was some design in the suit, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to know.

What I wanted was for things to be normal. Needed them to be after seeing...

I slid my hand over Dole's chest and then up to Dole's neck to cup his cheek. These were Dole's eyes. Dole's nose. Dole's mouth. Did it really matter what was underneath? I know Dole's likes, his dislikes, his every thought. I know him. Nothing had changed.

“And the verdict is...?” Dole whispered.

I shut my eyes and found his mouth. It was easy, something I'd done a million times. The tension in Dole's body seeped away. He raised his hands to my sides. I ended the kiss, pressing my forehead to his. It took me a minute to put the words together. “The only thing that's changed is that I know more about you. But I still know you.”

I put my hand on Dole's side. For the first time, I can feel the strangest barely-there flutter of something else under Dole's skin. “I still love you.”

I didn't realize that I was moving us closer to the bed until Dole stopped me, breaking the next kiss. “Are you sure?”

“That I love you? I am positive that I proved that when I almost broke my knees the first time I saw you.”

Dole pushed back from me. “You don't understand. I'm not human. I never have been. All of it has been a lie. I was born in space. Hell, I wasn't even born, I was hatched from an egg!”

“How big was it?”

“What?”

“How big was the egg? You're man-sized now and I need something to keep me from imagining some kind of egg the size of those beanbag chairs they had in the dorm.”

Dole blinked at me. “I can't tell if you're being serious of full of shit right now.”

“I just...have so many questions. Such as were you always this big or were you some wriggling larva at some point?”

“Cantaloupe-sized. You're really not scared?”

“Oh, I'm terrified.” I smiled. “Of engaging in a game of chicken with a demented semi next time I'm on the road. Of making a fool of myself on an international level. Of losing you over something so out of your control as biology.”

“'Out of my control?' I lied to you about being a giant bug.”

“Could be worse. At least I'll be waking up next to a bug tomorrow and not a giant slug. Shit, is that offensive? Are there slug...beings?” I wasn't even sure where the words were coming from, now. I'd always been of the curious sort, but now there was a whole other race – perhaps many races – of beings that were so far from anything I could know.

Questions were forming in my head by the millions every second. It was more exhilarating than overwhelming even though I could practically feel them filling up my body until they threatened to explode from every orifice.

“How could something like you even evolve to this level? What kind of environment? Climate? Competing species? Can you make – ”

Dole's mouth on mine only paused the question, it did not stop it. The second I could think, I finished, “– make me pregnant?”

Dole leaned back, giving me a look that clearly said he thought I was crazy. “What was that last one?”

I shifted, suddenly uncomfortable with all of Dole's attention on me. “I mean, is it something I need to worry about, now?”

“Why would you even think...?”

“Because,” I dragged the word out, mind scrabbling for a way to justify the question, “every science fiction move I've actually sat through ends up being about aliens that basically come to earth to have sex with young girls.”

Dole smiled and I could tell that he couldn't control it. He slid his hands over my sides and then down to squeeze my hips. “Okay, I'm pretty sure that says more about your movie choice than all science fiction.”

Dole shoved me back and I fell on the bed. “And I know without a doubt that you're not a young girl.”

I shifted, adjusting my back on the mattress. Sometimes, I could lay in just the right way to make the muscles in my back cramp. That was not the road I wanted to go down right now. “You're wearing a very realistic man-suit that folds itself into a jacket. I'm sure you have the technology – ”

“Now,” Dole climbed on top of me, “you've gotta shut up.”

I loved him and I still do even after what I did. For him. For them. For the future of humanity.

There wasn't any time to waste once the inauguration was over and the codes were in my hand. That night I did it. Dole was off-world. He had to speak to his people, he said. They will come to settle once everything is over. We will be together again soon.

I've lost track of how long I've been here. My face is strange when I can stomach looking at it. A little older. A little grayer. There's a low level madness in my eyes.

I've been alone for so long.

It was in 2089 that we as a world almost fully united turned our attention to the stars. Exploration was really moving forward and we all believed that our new enemies would have to come from out there. Not on the surface. Not anymore.

We have no enemies, now.

It was my decision to do it. No one forced me. There was no threat of harm to me and mine. My decision. I chose to eliminate most life forms on the planet to make way for his people to survive. Life on a ship floating in the dark spaces behind a moon is no life.

Earth needed to change for them and I think that it would agree that this was for the best. The Ruiners have been burned away.

I am the last President of the Allied Nations and I did what no one else could. I made contact with another race. I saved them at the expense of all of humanity. I gave everything for them. For him. For love.

The last thing I do before bed is turn on the big screen. It comes down from the ceiling. My voice doesn't sound like mine when I use it to work the controls. “Run last transmission.”

Every time. My heart stops every time I see the creature on the screen. Even the first time, I knew it was Dole before he spoke. I'd only seen him like this once in our time together, but I knew. I know. Dole was possibly millions of miles away right now.

“I'm sorry...I don't know if you're alive. If anyone on Earth is still alive and able to see this message. I lied to you. When I told you there would be nothing but truth between us. I may have fudged it just a little. It definitely wasn't invasion because Earth had nothing that we need. It wasn't salvation, either, because we're not a broken race. We have a home. I've never seen it, but they tell me it's real.

“I'm not part of an exploration group searching for a new home. I was born on a military ship whose sole purpose is finding intelligent life and...” Dole fidgeted. It was funny how even like this he did some of the same things he did as a human. “We destroy anyone that might become a threat to us in the future. I was chosen because the vast majority of us cannot wear the suits. It's a type of allergy. My job was to find a human that I could nudge into a position of power where they could deploy the planet's greatest weapons.”

Dole leaned closer to the screen and even though he looked nothing like the man I married, I did, too. Even after watching this video over a thousand times. “Conner...I loved you from that first day on the quad. Ozymandias and everything that came after. That was too perfect of a moment. Everything humanity built is in decay. Kings have risen and fallen and I made you into the last. You'll die in a castle underground surrounded by your kingdom of one. I wanted, with everything in me, to take you with me. But like I can't survive on your planet, you would die trying to breathe the atmosphere on our ship.

“If I can, I will try sending more messages. I don't even know if you're alive to see this one. I hope so. Maybe I just need to think I'm talking to you. That you're listening to me. Maybe I need to think you don't hate me even though I'm sure you have to.”

Dole glanced around as if making sure he was alone. “I'll come if I can find a way back to you. I am so sorry. No matter what, I still love you.”

I mouthed the words along with him. Dole reached up with one of his larger limbs to shut off the camera and I caught my glimpse of the gold ring fit snug around the base of one of the smaller limbs on his side.

I shut off the screen and stretched. Something in my back popped. Is that normal? I don't know anymore. Maybe there isn't a normal if I'm the only one left.

The knocking came after I had taken two steps toward my room with the extravagant bed that was almost too comfortable. The logbook said it had been chosen by President Simpson. A good choice, in my opinion. What was the apocalypse without a good night's sleep? Better to face each numberless day.

It didn't happen again and I was about to chalk it up to my growing case of the crazies when there was a hissing sound like the airlock on the door being disengaged. I ran until I was in sight of the door and couldn't go any further. The lock turned and the whole door popped. No one should be able to open that door from the outside.

It swung in. At first, all I could make out was a shape, but one thing was obvious.

It wasn't human.


A/n: Thanks for reading and I hope you liked it. The two lines of poetry came from the sonnet 'Ozymandias' by Percy Shelley. I would suggest looking it up if you're interested.