I wish I didn't have a name...

I wish I didn't have a name. Sometimes I think that if I didn't then maybe I wouldn't be like I am. Stressed. Fearful. Tired. Confused. I'm stressed over the fact that sometimes I say things in my head, bad things. I wouldn't ever dare say these things out loud, except for those time where I can't control it and they come out anyway. I am fearful over what might be said or done when things I do or say come out. I hate that. Everyone is always trying to control some part of me. My brain. My future. Always. I think that's why I write. I write because I'm in control. Well, at least in a way. In a way, I'm not in control, because I have those days were my characters take over. They become more than just words on a screen or in my head. I love that, sometimes. Then, I don't have to make the decisions completely based on what I want. Mostly because I never know what I want. I want everything and nothing all at the same time. It's different when writing. Sometimes I think I'll cry. Then, I do cry. Like I'm crying now. And I can't help it. I don't know where it comes from. It just happens, randomly. I think it's a character that I've yet to write. He or she is trying to get my attention or something. And maybe this is too long and stupid. I just felt the need to write. Write something. Write down something stupid or something that doesn't make sense, maybe. If you're reading this, maybe you can help me. I don't know what to do. I'm a junior and I think I know what I want to go to college for. Dramatic writing or film-making or screenwriting. You see, I've always wanted to be a writer. Somehow, it's just always felt like a piece of me. I've never been able to fully share this part of me, but I'm trying again right now. I'm sitting here trying not to obsess over every sentence, because I know they aren't perfect. That bothers me just a tiny bit. I want to go to SCAD. For those who don't know, it stand for Savannah College of Art and Design. This school could give me some vital education for what I want for my future. I'm scared again. I know it's dumb. I keep hearing people in my head telling me that. I know. I just can't stop myself from the self-deprecation. Do you think I should go for it anyways? I could do good things, I just know it. I don't really have experiences though. I don't let people read my writing most times because I'm afraid of rejection. That's honesty if you ever hear it. It always come down to that, doesn't it? Fear. I wish I had no fear, but I guess then I would have any reason to write. I wouldn't have any motivation. That what all the great philosophers say, right? I'm not sure. I spend so much time on the Internet nowadays, I feel like it's the only safe place. It's a place where no one can tell if I'm crying, screaming, or whatever. If you're still reading, then thanks I guess. This is my first little thing on here. I hope it isn't too rant- like. It's another thing I can't help. Let me know if you can help me, because I'm starting to lose hope. I really don't want to work in a food place like the rest of my family for all my life. It's sad, even though I'd never tell them that. I couldn't handle people yelling at me because I didn't get their order right. Lord. I'm soft-hearted you see. Then, the manager would probably be yelling at me with my full name like my mom does. Ugh. I wish I didn't have a name.