Delivery Man

"For the record, this is bad idea, boss," said Snoofk.

Nick's bushy eyebrows lifted into his snowy locks and he lifted his hands, showing the splints.

"Nobody else can do it," he replied. "Dr. Tennant says I have to give up the reins this year. But the deliveries will go forward, one way or the other."

"Boss, sixteen hundred years of doing this, you were bound to get carpal tunnel syndrome some time. I'm surprised you didn't get it sooner."

Snoofk pulled a sheet of paper from the massive stack on the mahogany table between them.

"I'm just about done with the list. Did you want to re-check it?"

Nick shook his head tiredly and lifted his steaming mug, wincing in pain.

"Sixteen hundred years and never a single error. We're good."

"Boss, isn't there someone else who can do this? Someone who can stop the clock? What about the Rabbit?"

"The Rabbit is vacationing in Melbourne. Besides, he only does Spring. You know how he hates the cold."

"What about what's-her-name... that lady who collects teeth?"

"She'll demand a fee, and for this it will be huge. We can't afford her."

The two elves sat in silence for a few minutes. A gust of wind beat against the shutters causing cold air to seep in to do battle with the pot-bellied stove, and Nick to grasp his mug of hot chocolate closer.

Finally, Nick gestured at Snoofk.

"Go ahead. Call him in."

Snoofk lifted the phone and spoke.

"Send Carl in, Dottie."

The door to Nick's office swung open, and a tall, slender demon walked in, to the sound of clumping hooves. He had a white beard, like Nick's, but that's where the similarities ended. Two horns protruded from his wavy hair, to curl around behind his ears like a ram's. His fingers ended in large black claws. His body was covered in fur, which was slowly surrendering its ebony color to frosty white. But more tellingly, where Nick's eyes twinkled merrily, Carl's were twitchy and malevolent.

Carl clumped over to the table and took the seat next to Snoofk, putting his hooves up. He leaned back, causing the floorboards to creak.

"So, to what do I owe the pleasure?" said Carl, grinning wolfishly. "I haven't seen you in - probably a generation, brother."

"Get your feet off the table, Krampus," growled Snoofk.

Carl removed his hooves and his unpleasant grin turned into a terrifying scowl.

"I hate that name," he said. "Sounds like a medical malady."

"Then it suits you, Carl."

"If I hear it again, I'll cut a few more inches off your height, shorty."

Snoofk bristled, and raised himself up to his full three feet.

"I'm not scared of you, Carl. You're here because we let you be here-"

"I'm here because you need me for something. Am I right? And before we get started, how about something to warm up this office a bit?"

"We've stoked the stove to capacity," said Snoofk.

"I'm talking about that bottle I can smell in your cabinet. How about it, brother?"

Carl looked back at Nick. Nick sighed. He went to the cabinet on the wall and removed the bottle of schnapps and three glasses. He brought them back to the table and poured. Carl lifted his in the air and smiled.

"To the holidays!"

Carl drained his glass while Nick sipped at his. Snoofk left his untouched. Grinning, Carl put his glass down, and Nick poured him another.

"So what is it? Naughty list a bit longer this year? You haven't let me do my job in what... two hundred years?"

"Kidnapping is frowned upon these days," said Nick. "But I've got a special job for you."

"Does it have anything do with that?" said Carl, gesturing at Nick's splints.

"Suffice to say, I can't drive the sleigh tonight. I need someone who can operate it and stop the clock."

Carl grinned and sipped at his glass.

"And you're coming to me? Why didn't you ask the Rabbit?"

"He's on vacation. Look, it's gotta be you!"

Carl leaned back in the chair again, drawing another glare from Snoofk.

"So where are the monitors?"

"Monitors?" said Nick. "What are you talking about?"

"Monitors! You've got webcams in every bedroom, right?"

Nick pulled off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.

"I don't know where everybody got the idea that I watch while they are asleep, like I'm some kind of pervert. There are no monitors. There are no webcams."

"No? What are the perks, then?"

Carl's eyes dropped to Nick's gut.

"That's right. All of the baked goods you can cram down your throat!"

"Hey!" said Snoofk. "You don't talk to Saint Nick that way!"

"Wait! Speaking of perks, I've heard that you took some liberties with the ladies! Is it true, what that kid said about you and his mother?"

Nick's eyes widened in surprise.

"Huh? Oh, hazelnuts! That was her husband kissing her, not me! Look, some people like to cosplay."

"Cos-what now?"

"Cosplay. Some mortals like to dress up like me and, uh... never mind. Let's get back to the job at hand."

"I just don't see why you would do this job without perks, or pay for that matter. Will there be any perks for me?"

"It's like you said, baked goods."

"I can't eat all that crap!" said Carl, pointing to his flat stomach. "I've got a figure to maintain!"

"Then how about the satisfaction of knowing you brought some joy to the world?" said Snoofk.

"What am I, a sucker? Come on!"

Nick leaned forward and looked into Carl's black eyes.

"Haven't you ever wanted to be more than just feared and hated around the world?'

Carl snorted at that, but looked uncertain.

"I just want what's coming to me," he said, but the rude confidence had left his voice. "Nobody remembers who I am, any way."

Nick stood up and went to an old wooden chest in the corner, and extracted a large burlap bag. He brought it back and set it in front of Carl.

"You will get whatever gift you want from this when the job is done."

Carl lifted the bag. It appeared empty.

"Is this a joke?"

"It's my gift bag."

"You carry gifts for a billion households in here?"

"Look, when you get to the house, you reach inside and the proper gifts for that household will be there."

Carl set the bag down and stared at Nick.

"Are you telling me that this bag has a transdimensional portal to Amazon?"

"It has whatever gift the recipient desires. Don't worry about how."

"Does the Rabbit's basket work the same way? Maybe connected to a chicken coop, or something?"

"Will you do the job or not?"

Carl grabbed the bag.

"Whatever I want?"

"Whatever you truly desire."

"You've got yourself a delivery man!"

Nick smiled.

"Good! Now for some details. First of all, there's an order to the deliveries. Once you've stopped the clock, you go in that order to be sure that you are at the correct household."

"What difference does it make what order I go if the clock is stopped?"

"That's how it's done. Just follow the list. Second, do you remember how to get down a chimney?"

Carl gestured at his nose with his index claw.

"Couldn't forget that one. But honestly, I think I'll just go in the front door. Those chimneys can get pretty filthy."

"You'll take the chimney because that's the job!"

Carl slumped in his seat and licked his lips with a forked tongue.

"Fine, have it your way. What else?"

"No pranking."

Carl’s face twisted into a grotesque impression of innocence.

"I know you. Your pranks are in the worst possible taste. And one more thing."

"Yeah?"

"You don't get your gift until everyone else gets theirs. That's the terms. You accept them?"

"I do," said Carl. He stood, drained his schnapps, and snapped off a salute.

"Then get going. The reindeer are already prepped. Keep an eye on Prancer. He's been letting his attention wander lately. Oh, and don't forget the uniform."

"Uniform?"

"I've never gone on a delivery run in my birthday suit, and you won't either."

Nick opened the chest again and drew out bright red suit with white furry trim. He tossed it to Carl.

"I wore this in my younger days, when I was in better shape."

"You're kidding!"

Nick shook his head.

"Put it on."

Carl donned the suit, which still hung from his frame like sails despite being obviously too small for Nick. His hooves poked through the pant legs, looking for all the world like tree stumps. The horns would not cooperate with the hat. Snoofk began snickering.

"I look ridiculous!" said Carl. "You can't expect me to wear this!"

"Part of the job, Carl. Don't worry. If the clock stays put, nobody will see you in it anyway."

Nick chuckled as Carl made a face and angrily grabbed the bag.

"Whatever's in here had better be worth it," said Carl. "I'm off. Don't wait up!"

After Carl had left, Nick's smile disappeared. He sat down and drained his schnapps and wondered if he had just made a huge mistake.

"I trust that you did the right thing," said Snoofk.

"Do you? I wish I did."

The elves listened as the wind rose outside.

* * *

The fire in the stove had burned down to embers when the door slammed open. Nick was startled out of his slumber at the table where he had fallen asleep, and knocked over the empty schnapps bottle.

"Done!" exclaimed Carl, brushing snow from his suit. "And let me tell you, it was a blast!"

"You delivered every gift?"

"Every last one, and in order, just like you said."

Carl slapped the bag down on the table.

"Just one left to deliver - mine! But before I do the honors, let's celebrate! Where's that bottle?"

Nick went to the cabinet and drew out a new bottle of schnapps, and Carl raised an eyebrow.

"New bottle? Were you that worried? Have a little faith, brother!"

When both had warmed themselves up, Nick queried him on his delivery.

"Well, Nick, the clock stopped exactly like you said. Nobody saw me, which was definitely a good thing. Hold on..."

Carl quickly stripped off the red suit, which looked matted and rather filthy.

"I'm kind of glad I wore it. No use dirtying myself up. A billion chimneys! Anyway, you know me. I had to have a little fun with it."

Nick's eyes blazed.

"Carl, what did you do?"

"Nothing bad! Just left a little memento."

"You pranked, didn't you!"

"I signed all of the presents! That's all!"

Nick slumped in his seat, then chuckled as he imagined the mortals trying to figure out who "Carl" was.

"Thank you, Carl."

Carl beamed at him, looking somewhat less demonic.

"And now, the moment of truth!"

He reached into the bag and pulled out an object, and confusion swept over his face.

"I don't understand," said Carl.

He raised the new burlap bag, which he had just pulled from Saint Nick's bag. Suddenly, Nick leaned back and brayed laughter, his gut shaking like a bowl of lingonberry preserves.

"Hey Nick, I get that you're jolly, but this isn't what I had in mind!" said Carl.

"Ho, ho, ho! This is what you really desired! To be a benefactor, not a punisher!"

"What do you mean?"

"Carl, you never wanted the job as Krampus! You've always liked children."

Nick stood, walked around the table and put a splinted hand on Carl's furry shoulder.

"Look at me. I'm getting too old for this, and you've proven you can do the job. It's your time, Carl, and my time to retire."

Carl set the bag down, looking dazed.

"I guess... you're right. So, what now?"

Nick poured two more glasses of schnapps.

"Here's to Christmas, and to the new delivery man!"


Word count: 1991