Paradigms

WORD COUNT 1985



Is perception reality? If so then, is the reality that I am just getting started, or am I finally nearing the long-awaited end of my pathetic existence? Or maybe I’m just exiting the frame to start another and if so, will it be as dark and dreary as this one, or will there be another reality in store for me?

“Relativity is: Holding your loved one in your arms for an hour, seems like a second; but holding your hand on a burner for a second, seems like an hour.”

Here I go again trying to quote Einstein… I don’t know if I got that right, but hey… “Perception is Reality.”

The truth is I don’t know where I am. Looking back, I wonder if this has always been, or is there a place where this all started? Sometimes it is so hard to tell. From the here and now, I think that is what I am running from. Does that put me at the end of a journey? If so, then is it not a wonderful thing? Not because the journey was great; I mean look at it, so dreary and drab from this perspective. Can you blame me for wanting to leave it all behind? Like Schleprock from the Flintstones cartoons, with a perpetual raincloud over his head. The past is filled with continual Despair, and looking forward I see nothing different to raise even a glimmer of hope. That’s right, I see nothing else, that is my reality. If I had the means, I might ensure that this was the end. But alas, I do not.

So I ask you the question; is this the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning?

From under this rain cloud, my perspective is one that shows only a dark, thick forever, both behind me and going forward. But from your perspective do you see something else? From the outside of my miniscule reality can you see a larger picture where maybe, just maybe there is a tiny glimmer of hope? Is there a place where the colors of the rainbow really exist? Is there a place where the warmth of the sun can penetrate the exterior that I where, and take away the chilled soul that never seems to see anything but darkness? Is there a place where the warm feeling of being held in a warm and loving embrace really exists? Please, please tell me yes! I really, really need to hear YES!

Like always, I beg and plead, and after longing for an answer, after waiting for what seems like an eternity for you to tell me, as usual, I hear nothing back.

So I ask this question again, like so many times before… Are you real?

Oh, sorry I didn’t notice you sit down. By the look on your face I’m guessing that I was thinking out loud again. I hope that I didn’t scare you. Sometimes I get so lost in my own thoughts that I start talking to myself.

What?

No, I don’t need any help right now. Wait, maybe I do. I mean I don’t want to be rude, or pry, but could you answer a very personal question for me? And don’t be afraid to tell me to go fly a kite. I get that quite a bit, not the kite part, but you get my meaning.

No, in fact they seldom use the phrase, “Go fly a kite!” It always seems to be so much so much more graphic than that, but I try to keep my life PG, even if it’s not PC. Anyway, back to the question, I mean if you’re willing, but I warn you it is deeper than just how are you doing?

OK, thanks, so here it is…

Do you think that there is anything bigger, greater or other than this life? I mean, like life after death, reincarnation, anything that makes this life worth trying to get through; or is it all for not? If it is for not, then why? I mean, why do we try to do anything? Why not just end it all before the suffering begins? Why do we work so hard to get to the inevitable end? And honestly what is the end?

Yeah, your right, it is more than “A” question. But I guess each and every one of the questions could be wrapped up in a single question. Is there more to life than life its self?

If, like you say, there really is an end what is it? Do we stop existing and that’s it? Is there a spirit or ghost or something that keeps going on? What difference does it make, if there really is nothing else, why keep trying? If there is something else what the hell is it? Sorry for the H word thing. I’m just in a place right now where I really do want to know, and sometimes I let my emotions override my thought process. My wife says that I really do need to insert a brain-to-mouth filter in there somewhere. But if I did, chances are I wouldn’t be talking to you right now, would I?

Ok, here is a better way of putting it then… Is my life really worth living?

No, no I do understand, it is a question that really does deserve more time than we have here. I guess one might say it deserves a life time. But I just get so frustrated with the endless stretch of desolation that seems to be this existence.

An example, wow. Ok here you are, hypothetically of course…

Once upon a time, a boy, with a little better than average intelligence, was born into an average family in an average little American town. The boy survived the largest natural disaster of its kind ever recorded, to move away to an average American city; some might say upgrading.

The boy struggled in school to meet the average scores, even though his IQ was significantly better than average. The school system branded him less than average and yet he struggled to show otherwise. He flunked basic classes, but he could tear apart a lawn mower engine and rebuild it by the time he was 10. By the time he was 15 he had designed and flew his own supersonic model rocket to an elevation greater than that of the jet we are on now.

When the boy was 16 he got his first job waiting tables. He worked his butt off for less than a minimum wage. He struggled to get enough funds to get beyond high school, but he didn’t know anyone who was in a position to offer him more, and eventually dropped out of high school to join the military.

Our subject scores high enough on the entrance exams to allow himself a far better than average position and stay away from the average “dodging bullets” kind of service that so many of our great young men face. After serving for his country and getting an education in the nuclear field, he exited to find that his average intelligence school mates had all gotten jobs working for far better than average wages, because of the influence of those they knew, not what they knew.

This somewhat better than average intelligence man now has a better than average education but cannot get hired into an average wage job. So our subject starts again in a less than average position and never seems to get ahead. He works hard and long his whole life. He raises several kids under slightly less than average conditions and gets them through it.

The man eventually dies, and is buried in an average grave and his children eventually stop coming by to visit the grave.

Was it worth struggling through the education, knowing that his efforts would never be rewarded with grades or a job and income worthy of his elevated intelligence?

Was it worth all of the late nights, working extra hours to get the money for his kids to get a better than average education, if he still could not afford that education?

Was it worth the all-night vigils watching his children while they were sick, only to be ignored in death like any old historic figure that has long since been forgotten?

Is it worth it?

Ok, ill give you that. There are always success stories that rise above their surroundings. But question to that is; how many success stories arise from the millions and millions of failures or billions and billions of average stories. I mean, if you had those same odds in the lotto would you still play?

Ok, ok, that’s right millions play. But are they average or less than average, and will they win?

Thus, the rich get richer and the average Joe just keeps pushing through it. If that’s my end odds, is it worth it?

Yeah, yeah I know, but is it really worth it? I mean really, really worth the hours and days on end spent grinding away?

Ok, lets say that he does become one of those that made it. The end is the same. How many wealthy pass away, to be laid in a grave that, in just a few short years, nobody visits or even remembers. Hell, even the Pharos of Egypt… Sorry for the “H” word again. But really, even many of the Pharos went into oblivion without any long term, not to mention eternal recognition of who or what they were. Only a few remain in our collective consciousness. And then, only because of their massive wealth and ability to wring every drop of hope and prosperity out of those who served them. Is it worth being remembered for that?

OK then, if it really is worth it, I will wager a week’s pay that you can’t name 10 people, well known throughout history, and, that are remembered for good. Tell me when they were born, who was their significant other, how many children they had and what they loved to do when they weren’t making history.

Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln, that’s three.

No, Obama doesn’t count. They have to be dead and buried, and collective history has to determine their value as good.

Yes, franklin spent a lot of time inventing but what did he do that was even more of a passion to him when he wasn’t making history?

Ok, I’ll give you Franklin.

Churchill, good. What did he like to do when he wasn’t fitting Hitler?

No Churchill doesn’t count then.

See, my points made. Is it really worth it?

Out of the billions and billions of people that have been born and died throughout history, you can’t even give me a basic understanding of 10 of good people. So, the question remains; Is it worth it?

Well, captain says were all about to be released on good behavior.

No, no. really I enjoyed our conversation. I’m the one who needs to apologize for being so down. I do appreciate your time though, really I do! And I hope to see you here again.

Really, thanks for the invite, but no. I have to get back to the grind. But, should our paths cross again, I do hope we can continue this conversation, or perhaps start another?

Wow, I wish I had his kind of optimism.

Unfortunately, the grind goes on, and I still don’t know if this life is worth living. I mean really, you tell me of your great omnipotence and give me a set of rules to live by, then we never meet again, except in church through some self-proclaimed mediator who then asks me to give still more.

Is it really worth it?

As I sit here in this god-forsaken hell hole, slowly dying…

I still have to ask the question…

Is it worth it?