A Sticky Situation

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You may not believe this, but back in the early days of the Clinton administration I had a job for a while working in the White House. Although I was officially listed as a "Security Guard", my real job was making sure Mr. C didn't get himself into too much trouble. (or if he did, at least make sure Hillary and the Press folks don't find out.)

Now it's a little known fact, but his first days in office, Old Bill was pretty nervous and fidgety. The White House psychiatrist told him he needed a hobby, something creative that would take his mind off the troubles of his job. Bill had always liked the dramatic arts, so he decided to enroll in a sock puppet class being offered at the community college up in Frederick, about an hour's drive out of DC. He figured the drive up there would help him unwind, and if he wore a ball cap, jeans, and a faded t-shirt nobody up there would recognize him. (or if they did, they might just think he was his brother.)

The strategy worked for a while, and he was having a good old time making sock puppets and putting on plays with the rest of the folks. Then one day, a young well endowed White House Intern, Veronica Boobinski, signed up for the class. Now she recognized Bill right away, but she didn't let on none. Like many young women, she was attracted to a man with power like Mr. C, so she managed to talk the teacher into lettin' her be old Bill's "study partner" in the class.

The two of them got along well, had a great time together in class. Then back at the White House the next day, Veronica managed to "accidently" be walking down the hall right when Bill was leaving his office. I wasn't there to hear what was actually said, but I'm told the conversation went something like this:

"Hello Veronica, I didn't know you worked here!"

"Well hello Mr. C, I didn't know you were the President!"

"Say Veronica, would you like to come into the back office with me? I'll show you my sock puppets..."

Now I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. It was completely innocent. You see, Old Bill had set up a little stage for the puppets in his back office, complete with a video camera on a tripod, a big screen TV, and one of those really expensive VCRs. (After all, he was the President, he could afford it.) Bill and Veronica had so much fun together back there that day that it soon got to be a regular thing. She'd meet him late in the afternoon and they'd spend a couple hours together staging plays with the puppets, filming them, then playing the tapes back and laughing their heads off, just like a couple of school kids. I had to make sure it was their little secret though, who knows what kind of ideas those dirty minded reporters would be thinking if they saw the President escorting a young lady into his back office after hours.

One day, there was a big old Press Conference scheduled for after dinner, at about seven o'clock. But there was mischief making going on at the White House earlier that day. It seems that a reporter (I'm pretty sure he was a Republican) had gotten wind of the goings on between Veronica and Bill, and he wanted to cause some trouble. The reporter somehow managed to sneak past the security guards (don't blame me, it was before I came on shift!) and he planted an evil sock puppet with a big bottle of nasty glue in the back office. The evil puppet went to work, unravelling all of Bill's tapes, smearing them with the glue, and tossing them on the floor, and generally making a mess of things.

Bill met Veronica as usual, and the two of them headed towards the back office to play with his puppets. When they opened the door they were horrified to see the tapes unravelled and scattered all over the room. Veroncia went down on all fours to try and pick up one of the tapes to salvage it, but was quickly caught on the sticky tape and stuck to the floor. Bill came over to try and help her, but soon was trapped himself, just like a fly on paper. This got the President really mad, but the harder he struggled, the worse things got.

By the time I heard Old Bill's shouts for help and got there, the two of them were stuck together on the sticky VCR tape in what appeared to be a highly suggestive position. (looking like a pair of prize winnin' pigs at breeding time, if you know what I mean.) There were sock puppets and busted tapes strewn across the floor, the room was a real mess! I recognized what had happened immediately, and quickly threw the evil sock puppet out the window. Thinking fast, I found a bottle of nail polish remover in Miss Boobinski's purse, which I used to get the two of them unstuck. I hustled them into the elevator down to the White House Baths in the basement, where Mr. C's personal valet got him all cleaned up, just in time for the Press Conference.

It sure was lucky I got there when I did. You can imagine what would've happened if the reporters had found out about the whole affair! I could just see the headlines now:

"White House Sock Scandal: President and Young Female Intern Caught on Videotape!"