The Lazy God

Bob was an ordinary guy. His favorite TV show was the original Star Trek. He used to play racquetball. But for some reason he didn't any more. He lived alone, and never had much interest in other people. His friendships never lasted, and he never dated. If he was anything, he would be straight, but he wasn't much of anything. It might have come as something of a surprise one day when he became a god. Naturally he wasn't surprised by this because when it happened, he was all-knowing and so at that moment nothing could surprise him.

"Huh. So now I'm a god," he said to himself. He continued watching the episode of Stargate Atlantis that he was already halfway through. It was the one where they're on the ship that is sending them to alternate universes and Dr. McKay has to somehow figure out how their alternate universe drive works and get them back to their original universe.

"Even though I'm a god now, Dr. McKay is still awesome," he remarked.

When the show was over, he got dressed and left his apartment. He didn't have much say in this, because it was what was going to happen and he saw it coming. He went to the mall. Why? Because it was destiny. And who was Bob to question destiny. He saw his whole day as it played out already. It simply was. It might as well have already happened, it was a historical fact that he was going to waste the rest of his afternoon on that. "I wish I wasn't going to hang around the food court eating nothing for the rest of the afternoon," he said to himself nonchalantly. "But at least I make a friend."

After he was sitting at a table, the ability to summon all the wealth of the cosmos at his fingertips, or to skip a step and just summon any food that could be bought with it, unfortunately it wasn't what he was going to do, so instead he looked around at all the little restaurants in the food court he wasn't buying any food from. Gosh but he'd like to have some of that Chinese food at the Chinese place. But he could see he wasn't going to buy any. Time passed. Finally it was late afternoon or about dinner time.

"Hey, dude, how's it goin'?" a man said to him as he sat down opposite him on the same table, with a sub sandwich.

"Hi Mark," Bob said.

"Whoa. How did you know my name is Mark. Do you know me?"

"I know everyone and everything," Bob said matter of factly. "I'm a god."

Mark laughed, looking at Bob, who looked over at him impassively. His laughter died down awkwardly. "You don't mean that seriously, right?"

Bob sighed. "Yes, I'm quite serious. I'm a god."

"A god of what?" Mark asked.

"Nothing in particular. Just a god."

"Are you THE god?"

"Sadly, I am the only one," Bob confirmed. And he knew it was the truth. If there were any others, he would have known about them. "It is awfully lonely at the top. Though to set the record straight, I had no hand in any human religions. They are purely inventions of humans."

"I see," said Mark. Mark ate from his sandwich for a few bites. "What exactly is it about you that is different from a regular human then?"

"I knew your name, didn't I?"

"Well that's true. But can you give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight's drawing? We still have a few minutes left to buy a ticket."

"I suppose I could. But I won't."

"Why not? You want to have the jackpot all to yourself?" Mark said mockingly.

"Telling you the winning lottery numbers just isn't what happens. I can see what happens. This conversation, I could see it. But I could also see that I wouldn't tell you the winning numbers. Nor will I buy a ticket myself, in case you are wondering. It's just not in the cards."

"So you can see the future, but you can't change it?"

"Can't? Or won't? Or is there any difference? I have no intention of changing it."

"But how can you prove that you're god then? If you can see the future, but what you see is that you will fail in any attempts to prove that you are god, and you can't or won't change the things you see? I could do the same thing. I could claim to be god and refuse to give you proof too and blame it on it being foretold that I wouldn't prove it."

"I knew you were going to say that," said Bob.

"Of course you did," said Mark.

"But I prove it to you another way," Bob said. "In a few seconds."

"Oh? And how is that?" said Mark sardonically.

"Look in my mouth." Bob opened up his mouth.

"Look in your mouth." Mark replied dryly. Bob nodded once at this.

Mark sighed and looked in Bob's open mouth.

"Oh, FUCK! You really are god!" Mark shrieked in astonishment.

"Told you."

"Oh my... you! Oh god, no, wait, I shouldn't say your name in va..."

"Please, god isn't my name. My name is Bob. Just say 'A' god, it's a description. I don't like this just 'god' business. Even though I'm the only one. Don't call me god. I simply am A god."

After a few seconds of stunned silence, Mark said "so, did you, uh, create the universe?"

"No, of course not, don't be ridiculous. Can I have some of your sandwich?"

"What does god need with my sub sandwich!"

"That was the best line from Star Trek 5. Paraphrased a little bit."

"Star Trek 5 was the worst one, until Insurrection. Do you like Star Trek?"

"Maybe. It's not without its faults," said Bob.

"Well of course YOU would think that. You must be the toughest critic in the universe."

"I'm pretty forgiving."

Mark tried to stifle a giggle but ended up laughing at that. He went back to having some of his sandwich, after giving Bob about a fifth of it off the end he hadn't bitten from.

"So what brings you to Earth?"

"I have always lived on Earth."

"Really."

"I've only been a god since this morning, you see. I was born in 1980."

"So until 1980, there was no god, but now there is?"

"1980 was when I was born. I wasn't a god then. In a sense, until this morning, there was no god. But I can go back in time, so that distinction is irrelevant."

"Is there life after death?"

"No, that's stupid."

"You could MAKE there be life after death. Right?"

"Then it wouldn't be death."

"Has anyone ever told you that you're the most useless god ever?"

"You're the first."

"What difference does it make whether you exist or not?"

"I don't know."

"I thought you knew everything."

"Almost everything."

Mark finished his 4/5 of a sandwich, while Bob somehow made his 1/5 last just as long, even though he ate it at the same rate. It was a miracle.