Loading Complete

Hello, YouTube. It's RayzonAgenda here once again. I do have to mention, after six long, amazing years... this will be my final video. We've had a lot of great times here, it's been an absolute blast making this show. "Loading Complete" has been one of the highlights of my entire life. I've loved meeting you guys at Cons, you've all been absolutely wonderful and it's your support that has kept this channel going as long as it has. To be honest, the reason I am stepping away... to say the least, it's a personal matter. I figure, in my final video, I will let you all know about my life, why I am stepping away, and what happens next.

You see, it wasn't too long ago when I was just like every other YouTuber with a video game obsession. I watched guys like The Angry Video Game Nerd and saw something I could really connect with. Video games were always my main source of connection with people, be it tournaments, be it online matches, even just gaming with friends. However, as life began to drag on... I noticed I really needed something a little more, "substantial" in my life. I dropped out of college in my sophomore year, something I have always regretted... but I just couldn't justify the cost when everything I did there felt just so... fake. I know a degree is important in this world, but I just couldn't latch onto anything as passionately as a large majority of those around me. The only things I really liked were video games and messing around with short films. Once I discovered YouTube, I found something to latch onto. Something to combine the only two things I felt I had real passion for and created "Loading Complete." (Laugh) I'll be honest, I had about fifty other mini-shows before I really found my stride. Go ahead and find them on the site, if you can... might be worth a laugh. They are.... heh, rough, at best.

I try to be humble, like most of the other guys on here, but seeing that this is my final video... I can say, with all honesty, I have made a VERY comfortable living through this series. I'm not saying I'm rich, by any means. Hell, I'm just in a small, two bedroom house... my car, we'll just say it's far from new... but, I haven't had to worry about money. Bills come up, emergencies arise, hell... fun in itself, have not had to worry about. I just haven't had the same types of concerns my friends have had and that's something I have always been grateful for. But, there was always something nagging at me... that I was just a video game nerd, making video game videos... and nothing else.

Honestly, it was something that tugged at me for a while, but I could never put my finger on.... until I met her. Angelica. No... no, not her real name. I'm not playing that game. Not going to be that subtle, you need to work a little harder. My life is on the line here, and I am NOT going to go that far, that soon. I .... heh, sorry. I'm getting ahead of myself here.

Jesus. It's funny. Looking around. The house feels a lot "greyer" than it did this morning. I know it looks the same as it has every single day... but, right now. It feels grey, the light in the windows feels more piercing... more direct. It's the physical manifestation of an epiphany, and we know that epiphanies aren't always pretty.

Where was I? Oh yeah... Angelica. There's no fairytale first meeting here, I didn't meet her at a con. She wasn't at my panel, and she sure wasn't a cosplayer. Nah, the way we met was less than ideal. I met her through a friend of a friend. The exact details are not as important as the moment my eyes turned to her. My heart, literally, hurt the first time I saw her. It was as if she was a real-life photoshop, but she was real. Up to that point in my life, faking my way through school, faking my way through college, spending my life playing fake people with fake lives on a television screen, creating a fake job, speaking to fake people.... sorry, but she was the realest thing I had ever seen. I don't think that's right... realest. I can fix it in edit later. Just gotta make a note of-... heh. Was going to make a timestamp, but I forgot.... this won't be edited. I just plain won't have the time. Just do it and get it done.

Sorry, I keep getting off track. It took me about a month or two to work up the courage to even admit I was interested in her. I asked my friend for her phone number, to which he said... "You live on your computer and you seriously haven't Facebook stalked her yet?" Honestly, I hadn't. She was too real. I couldn't go after her on the computer, I had to do this old-school. I had to do this far away from the identity I had created, I felt like anything less would be undeserving of her. "Loading Complete" and being with her were the only two things in my life I put complete effort into.

So I called her. Yeah, it was a bit awkward at first because I wanted too much too soon. That was my fault. She had lived in my head for the previous month, I had imagined all manner of conversations, what-if scenarios, our first fight, our last fight.... granted, I knew this was all just me being stupid. But, I had thought about her so much that I figured we would have more to talk about than we did, right away. Kinda like how when you have a dream where somebody you know really pisses you off, then even though you know it's a dream.. you wake up and you're still kinda pissed.

But a few phone calls later, and I started to get a handle on the real Angelica versus the imaginary one I had constructed in my brain. I'm not going to lie to you and say she was better than I imagined, there were difficult times. Things I tried to force. I mean, I guess I couldn't really wrap my mind around the idea that she just couldn't get into Lord Of The Rings, Game Of Thrones, stuff like that. I mean, she watched them with me, I just couldn't take my eyes off the bored look she would exhibit. She assured me she was cool and she was watching them because I liked them so much. I appreciated it, but... it really took me out of the movie. I can't stand be the only one enjoying something, I don't mind doing it for others... because at least I'm there with them.

She worked in the mall at Gacy's, a horror-themed clothing store. I always felt like horror and fantasy were, basically, the same thing just a little more blood. She loved to wear black, and she even created her own custom blood-splatter clothing. You can find it online. Please, buy some.... I know it will really help now. I have over 600,000 subscribers, if even half of you buy one item... man, it'll make the next few months so much easier to manage, financially.

But that was a difference we had. We had more. But most of them seemed to create a sense of balance. She was pretty independent, which made "Loading Complete" easy to manage while she was around. I was able to work on my videos, do research, write, edit... toss all these ungodly hours into doing what I do and I didn't have to worry about her getting angry about us not spending enough time together. Hey, let's get this straight right now, if I wasn't working... I was with her. I loved her, I was addicted to her. She had this smile that always filled me with this, indescribable warmth. She loved Italian food. I was a terrible cook, though. No, I AM a terrible cook. Heh, I never did get any better.

Our one year anniversary, I attempted to make some Spaghetti for her. Yeah, spaghetti. I messed up spaghetti. Spaghetti is not meant to be crunchy. Bless her, she tried to eat it. She let me down easy, laughing... "I'm sorry, I just can't eat this." She leaned in with a kiss, "But I love you for trying." As I backed away, she spit a crunchy spaghetti fragment into my face and laughed. The way she did it, I couldn't even be mad. It was the period on the exclamation point. You don't meet that many people in life who can be honest, address your faults, and let you down easy while still making sure they know you are loved and cared for. I suggested we just get dressed up and go to Olive Garden after that, to which she was more than game for. We finished the night with a walk down by the docks. It felt cliche, it WAS cliche.... but I was with her, she was with me, we were US. I can deal with cliche for a moment that perfect.

But... I wouldn't be speaking of her in a past tense if things didn't end. In the last few hours, my epiphany occurred and I began to see everything clearly once again and this is why I am able to be, finally, honest.

As I said earlier, although "Loading Complete" took real, actual work. Although my bank account was not hurting. I always felt a little less than an actual adult. I didn't have to "go" to work. I didn't have a commute. I didn't have to punch in, no nametags... no bosses. Granted, I have signed more partnership contracts than I can count and I did have to answer to others occasionally, but I really never had anything that could be described as a daily grind. It sounds stupid to say, but having what most would consider a dream job, really felt like I was being held back. It felt like I was holding her back. The conversation among people would always bring up jobs, everyone would talk about going to the office, getting into traffic, complaining about bosses and co-workers, being too tired.... having to get up early... working 80 hour weeks to shore up numbers for the end of the fiscal year. But here I am... wearing my same faded Mario shirt. I started to feel like I was a burden, I was holding her back, I was not what she needed. I felt embarrassed of myself, and worse... I felt she was embarrassed to be with me.

I know now she probably wasn't. But it was a feeling I couldn't shake. My mood started to change, and I know you all can place the time line fairly easily. It was when I stopped putting out content for about four months. Sure, I did the quick news bite clips just to keep my sponsorships up, but looking back... they all took a darker tone. I had lost a lot of my humor, and it was showing. I started getting more people unsubscribing from me, losing viewers, I started to lash out. I blamed YouTube, I blamed the viewers, yeah... I blamed you guys. But it was really my own fault, because my judgement was clouded by everything I couldn't resolve in my own head.

I became very short with her. I started becoming more sarcastic in my responses. I was angry over something that didn't even exist and it started to drive her away. Our last fight started when she saw me standing in my office by the doorway. She asked if I was all right and I told her I was tired of the office. I owned a two bedroom house and only had real use for one bedroom. I told her, I was imagining a day when my office would be cleared out, and in its place would be pastel blue or pink. A crib, a mobile... a child to cement our future together. She looked me in the eyes, she said the thought was beautiful.... but that children wouldn't be in her future for quite some time. I know what she meant, now.... she wanted to build us more, she was enjoying us, children were not ruled out... she just wanted more time for us. I should've known that, but I was so embroiled with trying to get away from my fake YouTube life and start something legitimate, difficult, and respectable. I... I took it badly. I took it to mean she didn't want kids with me, that I was too immature... that my career choice was something for babies. I couldn't handle it. I threw my keyboard across the room and watched the keys explode against the wall. It was a complete mental breakdown, a tantrum. It was then that I had a thought, the most rational thought I could muster at the most irrational time.... a question, where at any other time could have been a real constructive turning point, regardless of the answer. I asked her, "Is the reason you don't want kids with me is because you still feel like I'm nothing but a child?" .... to which she honestly answered, "Right now? Yes, because that's exactly what you're acting like. A little boy that didn't get his way and is now throwing his toys around the room." That was it... I was done.

All my fears, in that moment, were realized. I was fake, my life was fake, she was embarrassed, I was absolutely nothing to her. But, a small spark in my brain told me not to let go. I needed time away, I needed time to reflect. Once the dust settled, that night I made the decision to crash GamesCon. Yeah, the video of me walking up on stage during RetroMatt's panel and trying to take it over NWO style was born from the worst and weakest moment of my life to that point. My intention was to get myself straight, and I was on the phone with her every night, I was texting her the entire weekend. I apologized, I tried to atone, she seemed to accept it. I still remember her telling me on the phone, "I can't wait to be wrapped up in your arms when you return." She had a slight purr in her voice when she spoke a word that included an "r" sound... it felt like home. I felt like everything would be better once I returned.

But we know how this goes. Our breakup conversation lasted about six hours. She told me she didn't want to break up, but felt she was forced to. I didn't want to believe her, but every time I wanted to get angry... I kept remembering her stance on children. It felt like it was time for us to go our separate ways. I wanted to fight for us, but given what we had been through...given where we wanted to go... there was no more us to fight for.



..... but this is where it gets hard.

..... this is where it gets real.

She began dating some other guy.... I know his name is Richard... and that's accurate. Look his ass up. Richard Sinclair. Normie. Very normal. Insurance Agent. Not glamorous but the motherfucker could put on a suit and sit at a desk 40-60 hours a week, especially during the end of the fiscal year. He had horrible commuting stories.... his motherfucking gas gauge was almost always on empty and he had to walk to a gas station in my stupid fucking suit in order to fill up a gallon of gas to put in his fucking car. I just.... GOD! It's getting real again for me.

He had a real job, he had a real life. He was normal and boring and nobody knew who the fuck he was outside the city limits. I was jealous of the guy who was supposed to be jealous of me. But, I kept calm. I... well, trust me, I kept calm despite what I just said. Because I knew she was with him as a change of pace, the rebound. I finally regained a bit of my mojo, I realized I had given her a pretty damn sweet deal. Our problems only stemmed from what I had imagined was true and that was my fault. I was a damn good boyfriend and she was a damn good girlfriend, however... I just needed time to sort myself out. She could have fun with Richard and once that fizzled out, hopefully I would be back to where I needed to be, more confident and more secure and we would get back together. After all, she didn't want to break up.... she just wanted me to get more mature, and I was getting there.

But then the deal breaker. It became Facebook official four months into their relationship, she was pregnant. She wanted kids with him after four months.... I had been with her for over two years and the conversation always ended with her saying it wasn't the right time. Well, it became the right time pretty fucking quick with Richard. It was then I knew, she didn't want kids with me.

But fuck it, right? Richard's a hack, he'll fail, he can't provide for her like I can... and she's still in love with me. I can love his kid as my own, hell... I'm even cool with him being baby daddy. She and I can live in peace, we can share custody... I'm fine with that. She's with him, she has his kid, she's in love with me. It's a small consolation for him. He'll never be apart from her, because she shares the child with him.... but she's with me, the one she truly loves. Everybody wins!

I needed confirmation, though. I needed a reason for us to meet. I needed to see Angelica and I needed a good reason to do so. I looked around the house and I found it. This small, black porcelain vase with roses painted on it. It was the first thing she bought when she moved in, the first "our place" purchase rather than "my place." It was grown-up. I always had a special connection to that vase.... it didn't feel like she was giving me an object, it felt like she was giving me herself. As long as I had that vase, I had her. I needed to meet with her, I needed to hold that over her head.... I wanted to see if she would accept it if I tried to give it back. If she took it, it was all over. If she wanted me to keep it, we were meant to be.

So we met up. She told me she loved Richard, that our time had passed.... but I could go ahead and keep the vase. She was still the same as before, I got home feeling great.... but something changed. I looked down at the vase, I no longer saw her. I saw a vase... a black object that had no meaning to me any longer. I smashed the vase.... I let it sit on the floor, I gazed down upon it and realized the metaphor was accurate. Ten minutes ago I held my future in my hands, the one thing I could always count on and look forward too... but in moments it was on the floor, broken, shattered, never to be replaced. You can still see it on the floor behind me, because what's the point? Even if I cleaned it up... it's nothing.

.... but I couldn't shake this feeling. It was over, my dreams were destroyed. But I had to do something. I flat out refused to accept her answers. She loves me.... how could this guy just swoop in and change every one of her deepest held beliefs so soon? He's not better than me! He's not smarter than me! He's a Joe Nothing, he's absolutely everything I was far superior than. Isn't that what she wanted? Confidence? I have it, and she STILL doesn't want me. No.... no, I needed her to admit that she loved me.

.... and the house just got greyer.

.... because we're now speaking about the events from today. Why I am out of breath, why I am making this video, how my epiphany came too late. How a man who is so worried about how fake his life is made everything more real than I could have ever imagined.

We were in the car together. Not three hours ago. Angelica and myself. Not a lot was said, she couldn't speak. The chloroform had done its part. My eyes wanted to look at her, take in her beauty one last time. But I could only focus on the road, where we were headed. I had searched for rationale in my head, any part of me to tell me this was not how to go about this, but it never arrived. I was bound and determined, in a moment where my irrationality was at its most dense, for some reason I felt clear.

We reached the field.... by now they know which one because of a phone call I placed before I hit record. It was there I had put out the blanket, the picnic lunch I knew would never be eaten, even when I made it. The subterfuge wasn't necessary because I had surprised her in her backyard. Richard was at work, she was doing yoga... wearing earphones. It was almost like I had planned that part.

I waited for her to wake up. She screamed. I understood. She asked if I had gone crazy. I honestly answered, no. I asked if she loved me. She was silent. Even a knife to her throat didn't loosen her tongue. I begged her to lie to me, to tell me she loved me. The only thing she admitted to me is the pregnancy wasn't real.... it was an inside joke between her and Richard. Something unfunny. But something they had devised... something I didn't care about. I don't know about reality and fiction, but I do know it hurt me. Why didn't she mention this when last we spoke? Why didn't.... I don't even care. I did ask her if this meant we could be together again.... no kids, no ties to Richard. Nothing standing in the way of being with the guy she truly loved.

To which she said, "I already am..... " she looked up to me with those big brown eyes, the glazed over look, the one that shows love in a manner few can express through words.... I knew she was talking about me, "... Richard."

I blacked out as my hand grasped the knife and I made the motion. I felt it tear through flesh, the resistance of bone, the soft puncture of a lung, the hilt to her breast. As the blood began to pour, as I repeated the motion to her stomach, to her shoulder, to her sternum... she did not scream. She sobbed. She said no more. Richard was the last word she spoke.

As the haze began to clear, as I became cognizant of where I was was, what I had done.... I watched the final moments of her life as I knelt down beside her. An old story I had heard theorized in your final moments, you imagine the person you feel safest with coming to take you away. Jesus, God, whomever you pray to.... in some cases, a lost one, a loved one, it didn't even have to be someone who had died... just some one who brought them peace. I don't believe any of that, my epiphany had come too late and I was living in its glow. As her final breaths began, her crying had stopped.... she began to smile as her hand reached out. I don't know for sure who she saw, but my gut tells me.... it was Richard.

I realized the one thing she had never felt from me. I gave her stability, I gave her love, I gave her everything I knew how to give. Richard felt less than me, just he was more normal. I always felt she wanted that normalcy, I was embarrassed of my life. I worked so hard to let her know I was something more than just a video game nerd who made videos, I tried so hard... I kept us moving, I kept everything going. But what I didn't realize is, I wasn't giving her peace. I was so obsessed with proving I was more than I was, I didn't realize I was exactly what she wanted... just I refused to relax. Richard was normal, he had a routine, there's peace in that.. It's not remarkable, but it's predictable.... you can cultivate money, possessions, you can cultivate a following. I signed numerous autographs and have taken thousands of pictures with you guys, something Richard has never been able to say.... but if you can't cultivate peace in your home, you can't have a family. It was something so simple, so stupid... I went too far. I destroyed lives.... all because the one thing I thought I couldn't ever do for her, was something I hadn't considered and something that could have been easily remedied.

I made the call before I got back in the car... I left her, I left the knife... I left my DNA. I would have stayed at the scene for the cops to arrive, but I felt I needed to make this video. I needed my confession to go viral, and I know it will happen. This is not meant to shock anybody, although I know it has.... and I am sorry. This is because I needed somebody to realize, I know what I did was wrong. I feel regret, I feel remorse, I am not a cold-blooded killer... I also want to be clear of my intentions once this video ends. I know I will be hearing police sirens at any moment, perhaps if I look outside I may even start seeing them lining up in front of my house. But once I hit upload.... my part is over.

Why did I kill her? Why did I get to that point? What did I hope would happen? .... I wanted to be the last one she had ever loved. I wanted to marry her and create a family. I wanted to believe, even if we were apart, I would still be the last one she loved. She may be with someone else, but her thoughts and heart were still with me. But, in that moment... where even a lie would have saved her. She chose the truth, because Richard gave her the love, the peace, the passion I could not. What I imagined was not equal to reality. Fantasy and horror could not have been more different, only thing I was right about is... there was a lot more blood.

Which is why... once I push upload, once I see them. I will walk out of this house.... I will not stop. They will tell me to stay where I am, to put my hands behind my head, to get on my knees. I will not. I will be gunned down in front of this house with this video on repeat. I will not be lauded as anything I used to be great at. My name will become tarnished, my channel will probably be blocked by YouTube. But, my confession will be out there... because you can't stop the flow of a viral video. It's because, after all this time.... I know I deserve it. My fame came from these videos, it's only fair that my shame live on forever in that same form.

... and I hear the sirens from a distance. So I'll wrap this up. I am sorry. But for one last time.... I'm Rayzon... this is my Agenda.... "Loading... Complete."