Wow to the Vows or Was it Woes?

         

So there he was impatiently strumming his fingers on the dark crisp fabric of his newly rented tuxedo. " It's going to be great to write our own vows," she had said, " so romantic, so perfect."
Hell, it made him wonder if his future 'better' half knew him at all. I'm a God damned data entry guy, who watches too many zombie shows. I'm not that romantic to begin with and worst of all I have the memory of a gnat and the finesse of a freaking goat, he thought to himself, now pacing the chapel in earnest. THe eople gathered there looked at him and smiled. Good thing was they were probably thinking he was impatiently waiting for his bride to be. If that were only true, but in all reality he was wishing his Elenor a sudden bout of diarrhea in order to give him time to come up with some magical vows. I mean he had written some vows, who was he kidding he had written at least a dozen and they had been utter crap. They had ended crumpled,tossed,burned and in one instance consumed; maybe finesse wasn't the only thing he had in common with a goat. "Still stressing about the vows dude? " his best man Alex chuckled, "I told you I could write them for you man, I'm good at bullshit."
And there it lied; the problem with this vows thing. Elenor didn't deserve bullshit, if he was honest she deserved better than him. He felt his best man pulling him towards the pulpit, " it's showtime dude, and stop sweating you gonna make Elenor run away from you."
He took the offered handkerchief and stood in his designated spot waiting for the inevitable. The doors to the chapel opened and there she was, his Elenor looking so perfect, smiling as bright as the sun which was now setting outside. He was struck by her beauty; others might not see it but to him Elenor was the good Lord's masterpiece and it was that beauty that enthralled him now. The priest was saying something that sounded like he was underwater but what did he care? Elenor was looking adoringly up at him. Then he felt a very solid pat on his back that kind of shoved him out of the fog he was in. "Dude, the vows, it's your turn first," his best man whispered in his ear as everyone in the chapel started laughing. Now he was sweating in earnest , his adrenaline was amping up, his heart pumping so hard that he hardly heard himself stutter out a pathetic I love you, which the priest eagerly commented on," Let's hope that's not the end of your vows or this wedding will be over before it starts, " the priest mocked him. Just then a loud boom sounded as the doors to the back of the chapel where ripped from its hinges and thrown on the floor by the creature that now stood there looking at the mass of screaming people. The creature turned it's reddish molted head their direction and focused it's eerie yellow eyes on Elenor before lunging for her. No time to ponder, no time to crap your pants it was time for action and he grabbed the encrusted Cross from the mantle and met the creature head on. No hesitation and that superhuman strength that comes only from love guided his hand as he thrust the cross deep into the creature,'s heart. The big creature screamed, showing rows of serrated teeth as it fell to its knees but refused to die. He looked at the creature then took a long candle holder and shoved it up through the creature's eyes and into its brain. With an agonizing hiss and a cloud of dark smoke the creature dissolved into a smelly liquid puddle and he jumped over it to reach his Elenor who was coming out of the rectory behind the pulpit. They ran to each other and hugged, he then whispered in her ear. " That's my vow to you Elenor, I will slay all enemies and vanquish anyone that tries to harm you, real demons or the ones in your head. I will be your shelter and your champion because you are the most important being in this or any other universe for me. I love you forever and even after." Elenor cried tears of love as she held him tight. And that my friends was how He added some wow to his vows. Thank God he only planned to get married once!